A question for anyone with siblings, even adults?

Question

My husband and I want 4 kids. We have one daughter, 19 months old, so far. The only siblings I have are 4 older step brothers that I never really got close to, and a 8 year younger half brother that I had a hard time getting along with due to the age gap. What advice do you have for a parent as to how to treat siblings? Obviously, be a good parent and such, but as far as the sibling dynamic goes, what is your advice? What do you wish you could say to your parents about how they treat/treated you and your siblings, ie: "im so glad they treated us equally" or "i hated that they always compared us" whatever... Just interested in, when we have more kids, what we can do to help them build a good sibling relationship that will last, so that even when we are gone someday, they still have eachother.

Answer 1

I have 5 brothers and sisters and I liked being treated equally. The one thing I am mad at my parents for is making me watch my younger siblings all the time after school, so I couldnt play any sports. Other than that it was fun.

Answer 2

There were 5 of us and we weren't a blended family. The oldest and the youngest were definitely the favorites. My advice would be to just pay attention to how you treat the kids. My parents were always so proud of the oldest (and they had reason to be) and they really babied the youngest, but sometimes the 3 in the middle were left out. I don't think my parents realized they did this and even now they still do to some extent. Try to spend individual time with each child and if you can try to help each child find their own interest. Of course if all your kids play baseball or something like that that is great. They'll always have someone to play with. And make sure they have their own friends. It's OK if they are close in age and have some of the same friends, but they don't have to be friends with someone just because their sibling is. And make sure you don't label the kids. The smart one, the athletic one, etc. All in all, I loved being part of a big family. Good luck. It sounds like you'll be great parents.

Answer 3

I would foster affection between them from the start. They should always hug each other upon greeting and leaving and say hello and goodbye to each other. As a mom of two I have found that this is one mistake I made. My kids love each other but I wish they were more affectionate. My 12 year old will leave to go to a friends house and my 6 year old won't even know he left, so make it a point for them to acknowledge each other and I think the rest will just happen naturally. It isn't wrong for older siblings to help out with the younger ones, in fact it should be a pleasure for them to help. Don't overdue it but it is just a natural process in the family, it is about teamwork. My grandmother had 11 kids. Trust me there was a lot of help, teaching and parental like interaction between the older and younger children that was often initiated by the older sibling..

Answer 4

One thing I wish my parents would have done differently is to set similar expectations for us. I'm the oldest, and quite frankly, I was as close to being a perfect daughter as you can get. I can count on one hand the number of times I was spanked, and probably 2 hands for the number of times I was grounded. :) My younger brother, not so much. He got into trouble all the time, but his consequences were never as harsh. They still aren't. My youngest brother is in between the two extremes. He's a good kid, but he's lazy. Anyway, I have always been a pretty independent person, so I only ask for help when I need it. My brothers BOTH just EXPECT help all the time. One even went so far as to say it was unfair that my parents didn't pay for a plane ticket for him to visit his girlfriend. That's the one thing I wish they would have done differently. Just because you can get more out of one with less effort doesn't mean you shouldn't set high expectations for the other children.
Best wishes for your future family!!

Answer 5

I have 5b & 2 sis I also the youngest
I have 3 children of my own until I read your ? I have realized that I have never compare my children I have appriciate them for who and waht they are I have let them make choises with my suport
the are 17 14 & 9
they get on so well together I was told by the 17th year old was because they are not jealous of one and other
My advice is for you to spent time with each one separatly
I have giving each one a saturday meaning that day is for you
no one else but you I will do what he wants go to movies and lunch together Sunday belong to all of us
the 4th Sat of the month was for family
this method had made my children confident in their individuality
and respect and love each other
But no matter what advise we giving you at the end you need to find something that work for you
Good Luck
a little trick is to have her help you withthe second child
and always thank her, tell her how important she is, thank God she is here to help you
just make her part of everything concerning the baby
Again Good luck

Answer 6

the key is to treat them all equally, so they wont think you love one more than the other, which builds up envy. you will have to always understand them each. by the way 4 kids are too much for now have 2 and see if your comfortable. because having 4 kids means a lot of responsibility and patience. teach your kids lots of manners and to share things with each other. make sure that when you go out to buy something, you buy for all if dont have money for all then save it for later till you have enough for each to get something, so that they can see they all have the same amount of love from you two. always have possitive behavior around them. from a 15 year old. and good luck

Answer 7

Never,never set different rules according to the child's gender or(when they are older) their age.My mother does this to me and my sister;there is an age gap of 7 years between us.My sister is let run wild and I'm tied down to where I can't even move a finger.Trust me,different rules only fuels jealousy.Praise them equally and make sure they play games together,and while they're kids,let them share a room if they want to.Accept the fact that they all can't be perfect,but try your best to get them all involved in the same activities like painting,reading,gardening;when their older,teach them sports as a group.That way,they'll learn together and help each other.

Answer 8

I have a younger sister by 3 years. My husband has twin younger brothers by 2 years. I didn't get along with my sister and he got along like best friends with his brothers. There's nothing that can be done to "shape" sibling dynamics. Group dynamics, including family dynamics, form themselves. There are lots of books about sibling order that you may want to read, but these also fall into order themselves.
I know you don't want to hear this and want more detail, but just treat your kids like your kids and just love them for themselves as an individual. I'm older and my parents always compared me and my sister. But it didn't bug me because it was always "why can't you be like your older sister" to my sister. I was always the one to be like.
One thing I do suggest, if you want 4 kids, is to take each one out by themselves like once a month. Like month one, leave the younger 3 at home with a sitter, and you and your husband take the older one out for dinner or something. The next month, do the next kid, and so on. Just so they all feel equally special. And do something that particular kid enjoys. Like don't take them all out to eat at the same restaurant. If kid one likes baseball, maybe take him/her to a baseball game. Then for kid two's passion for science, take him/her to the planetarium, etc.

Answer 9

I have one younget brother and a little advice is. Don't blame the eldest all the time for the little one's mistake. Because i get blamed for everything that my brother does. And also something that has already been said is don't make your children look after your children. Especially when theres Teenagers looking after babies because it feels like your pushing all the stress and unwantness onto your kids and teenagers are very hormonal and they will get so stressed and they will push away from everyone. So thats also a little advice. Also make sure your always there with all your kids, do activities, fun days. Trust me, your reading someone from a little experience from the no good family days.

Answer 10

Providing a safe, loving, positive environment is the best thing you can do.

I wish my mom had been a little less partial to my brother, but they did good. I'm not sure what their secret was.

Oh yeah, don't make (or really even let) your older kids be the "parent" over the younger kids. I've seen this backfire hardcore.