Twisted relationship--Love my boyfriend but I still love my ex as well! Help!!?

Question

So, I have a thing for older guys. I'm 20 and my currnent boyfriend is 37. Ive been with him for almost a year now, and I am very much in love with him and we're about to move in together. He gives me the world, and is very honest, genuine and sincere. He is very faithful (TRUST ME--HE IS) and soooo sweet. He is an amazing cook and sooo considerate. He's something that you actually read about but dont think that men like that actually exist. So...yes, I am very fortuante to have him.

Prior to him I was involved with another guy who is 40. We met 2 1/2 years ago and first started as friends but there was immediate, intense attraction between us. And we began to date. However, early into the relationship, practically before we did anything with him, he told me that he had a "girl" and was involved with someone. He said that he wanted to let me know before things went to another level. I hesitated very much at first, but the temptation between us was too much to bear (cont'd below)

So I gave in to the relationship between us and so did he. We began to secretly date and I ended up falling in love with him and so did he. About 10 months into the relationship I found out that his "girl" was actually his "wife" and confronted him about it. He was very apologetic but now I had something different to face, I was in love with a married man and was now involved in an affair.

So shortly after I found out he was married, I met my current boyfriend and began to see him, however I was still linked to my ex and he had no idea about my new beau. So for a couple of months I was seeing both men & began developing serious feelings for my new guy.

So after things started getting very serious I decided to tell my past guy what was going on and that I could no longer see him. Thats when all of the feelings came out. He told me that how was I to expect to just shut his feelings off. How was I to expect that we could only be friends when he still felt a certain way about me...

So I of course had my hands tied, because I was loving this new realtaionship but still loved this other guy deeply.

So after avoiding to see him for the last couple of months, I finally told him that I could no longer play both sides of the fence, didnt want to lead him on or waste his time. Especially since now my boyfriend and I are moving in together.

And now, its so hard. I called him the other day and he said that he cant bear to even talk to me on the phone because our feelings our still there. He still loves me and I still love him. But I cant just not communicate with him because I care about him and have to at least call him to make sure he's ok.

I love my new boyfriend--he's amazing, but I must admit that part of my heart is still with my ex. But what is there to gain? He is married to another woman, but he's in love with me and im in love with him. So what do I do? Leave my boyfriend to be with him and go back into an affair, or secure whats more stable? Help.

In reply to Scooter Girl:
I dont date older men 4 what "they can give me" or am using my current boyfreind for anything. So for you to make that current judgement of me is wrong. Obviously if I was using anybody or up to no good then I wouldnt be on here seeking advice from a general public. My ex was the 1st man that I dated who was that much older and myy current boyfriend just happened 2 follow. my current boyfriend and I did start out as great friends and never did I think that when I met him I would end up being with him. This wasnt anything that was plotted. Im not some gold digger or whatever u think that I am. Financially I am very well established, graduated college early & yes only @ 20 I am earning 6 figures, so me "using" someone...for what? I dont depend on anyone. Im just a girl thats in love with two men and am looking for advice. And also just so you know as soon as I found out that my ex was married while I still communicated with him I stopped having sex w/him.

Answer 1

Oh no honey I don't envy your situation.

Here's the thing- being in love with a married man will get you nowhere. You realise that. But also bear in mind that part of the passion and excitement of your relationship wil always be tied to secrecy and "naughtiness". Never underestimate the power of unavailability when it comes to matters of the heart. It's the oldest story in the book- when he can't ever really be yours, you are desperate for him. Take all that away and you might find there's not much there.

You are just going to have to get over this guy. He isn't ever going to give you the life you want, and once you've recovered you will be so glad you didn't waste another minute with him.

As for the other guy, he sounds like a keeper- IF you genuinely love him and think you coul dbe happy with him, and only him, once this other relationship is gone. I understand it can be confusing, but don't let a great guy get away because you're still involved in the head f**k of this affair. Sometimes relationships overlap, but you have to figure out what you want quickly and stick to it. When your heart isn't giving you all the answers, use your head!

Good luck.

Answer 2

First of all, you said something in the very last line that spoke volumes. "...or should I stay with something more secure?" You are not in love with your current boyfriend, because if you were, you would not even think about other guys, ex or not. You may love the fact that he is good to you, treats you great, provides for you and the stuff you mentioned before, but you are not "In love with him." Just re-read your question, the married cheater (ex) is never talked about in the context of how he provides, what he offers or any of the practicle things in life, it is all about how you feel about him. Then when you talk about your current boyfriend, you are all about how he treats you, the things he does, how true he is, but it is not about the heart.
You need to end it with your current boyfriend, because he obviously deserves better than you. He does not have your heart and you obviously have his. It will hurt him, but it is better than for you to keep trying to fool yourself and him. Then you need to dump the lying, cheating ex. He is not in love with you, he just wants you on the side so that he can have some variety when he wants it. There is no future there either and even it you two did ever get together, you would never trust him...

Answer 3

The first thing you need to do is not move in with the man you are currently sleeping with. You are just using him, sounds to me like you need to try and grow up first. 20 is still very young and you have a lot of life ahead of you. It also sounds to me like you are just dating older men for what they can give you. And as far as the married man is concerned, shame on both of you. Who do you think you are messing with someones feelings and emotions, break it off and keep it broken off. How would you feel if you were in his wife's shoes????