Why do emotionally abusive mothers deny all?

Question

My parents divorced when I was 3. She married an alcoholic when I was 5. He was mean, acted like us kids were dirt. Mom left him every year for 8 years. We would clean out the house while he was at work and move, only to come back each time. Mom was always too busy worrying and fighting with him. Never got attention. As a teen, she turned crazy it seemed. Called me names, horrible names. Did not want me around. Just always cruel and neglectful. Confronted her when I was going thru therapy 4 years ago. Denied all. Always says she was a good mom and everything she did she did for me. We have still had a relationship since then, but she often upsets me with her words. She is very dramatic and negative. She recently said an awful thing and we have not spoke in a week. She will not return my calls. So much more to all of this, but do not have enough room to type it. I just feel emotionally drained and I have a husband and son to think about.

Answer 1

Denial is a way of dealing with guilt. As hard as it may sound the best thing for you to do is forgive your mother. You have a family now that needs you. I learned so many things from my mom, both what to do and what NOT to do. We all do the best with our children and we makes mistakes. I was around 23 years old when mom and I talked about how I felt. Not everything was resolved and yes there were things she flat out denied. But in order for me to get on with my own life and for my emotional well being I had to forgive. Harbouring anger and resentment, we allow ourselves to lose so many precious moments that we could have had. I wish you the best!

Answer 2

Your story, sadly to say, is like many others & not as bad as some. That does not take away from your pain however. It sounds as if your Mom is a very troubled person. She is an enabler (of her husband). In other words his doormat. She'll keep going back to him saying she loves him. She doesn't, she just doesn't want to be alone. In her head, she has to .....think....... she did something right, so she thinks she has been a good mother. Maybe she did the best she knew how. So often, we Moms don't realize what words can do to our children. Even when they're grown, they are still our "children" & can be hurt by our words & actions. Please don't try to rationalize any irrational acts. It cannot be done. Please seek help from your minister or family counselor. It will really help you come to terms with these things. You will learn how to still love your Mom with all her faults but how to protect your psyche as well.

Answer 3

i think your mom knows what she put you through her way of dealing with it is denial.you probably will never have the relationship you want the your mom.the most important thing in your life should be your son and husband.if your mom is emotionally draining you then maybe you should get some distance between yall. good luck

Answer 4

Sometimes you have remove yourself from the situation, if you dont want to repeat the cycle of abuse, you need to let your mother go, you cant change the past but you can make a better future for yourself and your son.....

Answer 5

All I can say is to pray ; pray that God will be able to heal all your hurts and pain and help you to forgive your mom and don't carry that negativity to your new family (husband and son). Pray ... it works. God Bless.

Answer 6

my husbands mother was committed twice and is totally mental. we have no contact with her, our choice. toxic people are very hard to get along with, make it work if you think it is possible. if not cut your losses.

Answer 7

she denys it all because she doesn't want to lose it all...

it is confusing, but it is true.

You can't really change her ways by face-to-face, but you can pray.