Suggestions for helping to raise step-daughters ages 8 and 11?

Question

I love my step daughters very much and they love me ;however, their mother is very jealous of me ( I am 11 years younger than her and she was married to my husband for 12 years). The children often say mean things to me that they have heard from their mother. I have been married to their father for 3 1/2 years.My husband attempted to get custody immediately after their divorce and was awarded joint custody;however, their mother has recently been arrested for conspiracy to manufacture amphetamines, so we are trying to get custody again. This has agitated the children because their mother has convinced them that their father had her arrested and is trying to "take them from her". It is a sad situation.

My step-daughter's mother is by no means an example. I realize she's their mom and they will always love and protect her, but at the same time she is hurting them mentally and emotionally in many ways and I am asking how I can help. Also, my husband has never said a bad word about their mother in their presence. We have talked to the girls about our concern for their well-being and ensured them that they will be allowed to see their mother anytime they wish. The woman peels out in my drive-way and has threatend me several times in the children's presence. I haven't mastered the art of being the bigger person , but I am pretty darn good. As far as not worrying about how this affects me, I have a two year old daughter with my husband. She idolizes my step-daughters and that is what is causing my concern with the way they talk to me and disobey me. I don't want my own child to think that behavior is okay.

Answer 1

Just be a role model, mentor, and friend to them. Be a shoulder to cry on, a ear to talk to if they wish. leave the discipline to dad, I am not accusing you, but there are to many evil step parents lurking around these boards.

Good Luck

Answer 2

No matter how much you want to get in the middle DON"T..... Never say anything bad about thier mother...... When you insult or say bad things about thier mother you are insulting 1/2 of them... Make sure your husband knows not to insult thier mother either...

Let them know that you are there should they want to talk... but don't press them they may not be ready to open up to you.... Ask if they would like to have someone to talk to besides you, a pastor, counselor, or other trusted adult you can help them find to talk to..

When they accuse your husband of having thier mother arrested explain that he doesn't have that kind of power... Explain that a persons actions are what get them into trouble with the law but don't use thier mother as an example of this.... Do not get into a huge discussion defending your husband he is a big boy and can defend himself...

Children repeat what they hear thus them saying mean hurtful things to you... When they say these things calmly explain that they are hurtful and you would appreciate them not saying them.... Do not become emotional and make counter accusations however.. Just lay down the law the comments will not be tolerated... The end...

The custody battle is between your husband and his ex wife... Don't allow them to drag you into it.... They have a past together and thus have unlimited ammunition to use against each other... You will only be collateral damage in any battle between them... Your husband will use you as a weapon against her things like "My wife would never do that" and "my wife could do that better" are the ways he can use you as a weapon... She will use you as a soft target... by insulting you she can place your husbands focus on defending you rather than attacking her... All are typical methods used in the battle for custody and dominance after a divorce...

If she is accused with amphetamine manufacture she will likely be facing some time in jail should she be convicted, thus making the arguement of custody moot... Your husband will gain custody by default due to her incarceration.

Your step-daughters are going through a rough patch right now and need a stable, understanding, non-judgemental adult touchstone... You can be that for them now and it will give you a good foundation to build a relationship upon in the future... Make sure to tell them how sorry you are that they have to go through this, assure them that none of it is thier fault (kids blame themselves for everything when marriages crumble and parents flounder)..

Be there for them, keep rules in your house firm and fair they need that one unchanging stable place amidst the storm....

Answer 3

You're doing many right things, IMO. Those step daughters are old enough to see what's going on for themselves. They may not understand everything.
As far as their disobeying you - ask your husband to sit down with you and the girls - to present a unified front - and let them know that they don't have to love you, but they MUST respect you and not do anything disrespectful in front of the little one. Kids under age 5 are very impressionable and often mimic and learn what they see. If they have an issue with you or something you say, they're to come to you privately instead of in front of their sisters.

Good luck!!

Answer 4

Your not kidding,

Well its never easy, I think you need to just kiss them and hug them and remember that its not gonna be easy to have them everyday.

They will love their mother no matter if she is a crackhead or not so you'll never be able to convince them she is anything other than the best mother ever, and she can't be that bad if they're that good.

Secondly, Just let them tell you stuff. You don't always have to explain how its their mothers own fault , if she would have just did whatever diffrently- ect..

and I am NOT saying you are doing this but the thing is you can't fix something that ain't broke

You hurt their mother, ( even if it was dad) he is perfect too

some one has to get the blame and its always gonna be you. Sad but true. time is the only thing that will heal, both the children and their mother.

Try to be nice to their mother, if she acts crazy and jealous give her that cause she's entitled, and never bad mouth their mother. even if your husband is doing it , defend their mother . because thats how they feel.

Let the girls know that your on the same team.
And that you would never want anything to ever happen to their mommy
and that you are not trying to take them away from their mommy

Ask them what they think you can do to make things better for mommy and for them?

listen to them, cause they should have a say so, their opinion counts.

But you see at their ages they already know a heck of a alot more than you think - If you want the truth -the truth is you are stealling them from their mother even if its for the good.

And in their eyes this is the worst thing possible

because daddies leave and mommies don't

and they need to take care or their mommy.
thats what people do when they love eachother they take care, defend, sacrifice, pick them up when they are down.

So I suggest alot more listening , hugs, kisses, support, see it from their eyes. not yours.

And stop worrying about the effect its having on you because honestly , thats what being a parent is about -self sacrifice you never sleep, eat, rest until they are taken care of , and that doesn't leave much time for you. And as sad and hurtful as it might be you just need to suck it up. and BE the ADULT. Not as easy as you might think

plus it'll be for atleast the next 10 years or more. so get used to it.

Goodluck let me know how things turn out.

Answer 5

First of all, blood doesnt mean ANYTHING. Moms leave just as much as dads.I have raised my stepdaughter for 6 years and always had her living with my husband and I.When mothers do stupid things that hurt their children, it is not your fault and its not theirs.If she didnt want them taken away,she should have made the right choices.A woman who raises their stepkids and love them are some of THE MOST strongest women on the face of the earth.They should be respected and commended,NEVER judged or pushed around.The thing isyou are raising your kid,and its not your fault that "their"marriage didnt work out.You feel in love with this man and his children.You dont have to put up with anyone disrespecting you.Keep contact at a minimum with their "mom" let the kids walk to and from the house without appearing.Just watch out the window to make sure they get to and from the car ok. The stepmoms in my eyes are the bigger people,they seem to be theones that always keep their cool,when the "real mom" doesnt even think they have to try,but if they truly had their kids interest at heart and selfishly not their own, they would act like a grown respectable adult especially in front of their kids.The women dont have to like each other,but they do have to present themselves like ladies because of the kids.I think you deserve a HUGE medal for what you are going through. What is best for them kids should be first,not what their mom feels,shes the one that messed up her life and theirs,now youre picking up the pieces and cleaning up her mess.I appreciate what kind of woman you are.I have always said they should have a support group for stepmothers,I know Ive needed one a few times.You are doing the right thing and dont listen to anyone that doesnt have enough since to tell you that too. Right on!

Answer 6

If that's the type of person their mother is, they have probably been through all sorts of hardships you may never know about. It is very important to remember that they really are not mad at you, they are mad at the world.

Looking at the situation from the outside in may give you some perspective on this. Consider another family in a similar situation. Can you understand how upset these children must be? Can you see how they are looking for ways to lash out?

The fact that they are lashing out at you is both good and bad. It is good because they feel comfortable enough with you to let out their true feeling - - just don't take the comments personally. Think about where the comment comes from. If they are repeating something their mother said, you have a perfect opportunity to calmly tell them the other side of the story. They are trying to find out the truth. It is important for them to see both sides. Do not put down their mother though. Make sure your comments are about you, your husband and the children - not the mother.

For example - instead of saying "Your mother" should not have been making drugs in the house. "She" was endangering you. etc. etc.

Say "Your father and I are very concerned about you being in a home where drugs are being made. We are concerned about your safety." - The children already know who is to blame and do not want to hear it again.

Since you have a younger child, use it to your advantage. Try to get the older children involved with raising the young one. Ask them if they would like to help with feeding, bathing, clothing etc.
If they are not interested, start out slowly. Would you mind grabbing a clean pair of pants? - Please pick out a couple of toys to keep your sister/brother busy on the car ride - and work your way up. It is important that the children know that they are not "bad" like their mother and that you trust them with the care of the young one.

Young children are always wonderful at making even the hardest person melt. You may find the older children talk secretly to the young one about their problems even if the young one doesn't understand - just like people do with their pets.

If possible, getting a pet for each of the older children can work wonders. Cats are low maintenance, cuddly, and wonderful companions.

Also, you must work on teaching to the children to talk to you nicer. Don't expect them to be perfect, but you can't allow them to treat you badly either. Explain to them that you are concerned about the younger child hearing it. I'm sure they want to protect the young one too.

Think about someone you know that you wouldn't dare say something nasty to and someone that you would. The difference isn't you - it's them. Some people demand respect and we give it to them. Others lay down like a door mat and we walk all over them. Make sure you expect respect and ask your husband to back you up.

It is important that you and your husband are a team working together. If the children suspect problems in your relationship, they will not want to get close to you for fear you will be gone soon.

Hope this helps.

Answer 7

Boy this is a tough situation. I'm sorry for you and your husband, but really sad for your girls. One of my children is adopted from foster care and we got her when she was 10. It is hard because she hates her birth mother one day and hates me the next for taking her from her mother. The older she gets, the more she understands that her mother had serious problems and that having rules and a life is better than what her mother was able to provide. I hate to say this, but I think you just have to let them have their feelings and let them know that you are here for the long haul and that even the times that they have hard feelings toward you -- you still love them. Eventually, they will come around.

Answer 8

im a fifteen yo guy and that i think of shes hitting the degree the place her horomones are flowin. In different words, shes becomming a young person. the start of her era could sign that, yet early teen syndrome (as i like to call it) happens to approximately each and every female at that age. She is probably noticing the fellas now and that's likely considered one of the reason in the back of her fixing her hair and each little thing. additionally she could be wanting right into a clique in college, like the cool crowd. And peer stress is probably influencing her additionally. Dont provide up desire! Youre her step mom and he or she loves you wether she shows it or no longer, and youre her be sure so which you will nicely known the indicators of starting to be up. if she hasnt been given "the controversy" yet, shes due for it. you may coach her approximately her physique and you will be the single she would be able to inform something to. Then she'll look as much as you and refer to u. you would be her maximum suitable buddy...and if she wont permit you, then shop attempting. i'm hoping ive been of help and convenience.

Answer 9

Go to a counselor. Take all the kids to see him or her to talk bout what is on their mid. You would be surprise what they are thinking and how they feel. If you don' have the money you can have a family meeting in the house and listen. The key word is Listen. Don't over react to what they say but keep it in mind. Try to stay open minded so they can come talk to you about anything. You can also stop her from coming to your house. Your husband can meet her at the mall, so the kids can see her. She needs to stop disrespecting your house.
Best of luck!

Answer 10

Make a plan with your husband and step children. Let them know they have a right to their feelings but its not okay to display them in hate and anger. Enroll the children into counseling as well as family couseling if needed. This way the can learn how to deal with their emotions more appropriately.