Am I a bad mum ?

Question

I have a two year old girl and a three month old boy, and ever since my son was born I'm finding my little girl is doing more and more to provoke me - she's always looking for ways to get my attention which means doing things that make me angry. I constantly seem to be snapping at her and telling her off and feel so guilty that it's all I seem to be doing, I spend most evening in tears. How do I stop myself being so harsh with her but at the same time how can I stop her constant attention-seeking when I have my son to worry about too ?

Answer 1

She's just trying to deal with the upheaval of having someone about who's taking all the attention off her!

Ignore the bad behaviour, or at least try not to over-react, because you're giving her what she wants, i.e. attention. Praise the good behaviour instead, and try to reassure her that you still love her. Let her help out with the baby. And try and make sure that you have plenty of one-on-one time with her.

Answer 2

You are not a bad mom. We all have our reactions that we don't like. I am a mother of 4. Yrs. old 8,4,2 and 3 months. They are all looking for attention all the time. and alot of the time it is negative attention they seek thinking it is the only kind they will get. Here are some things I do that can maybe work for you.
#1-reinforce the rules though she is little she knows most thing that are wrong.
#2- Have mommy and me time. Take sometime out while the baby naps. Color, sing or whatever she like to do. Even if it 5 minutes here and there.
#3- Let her help with the baby as MUCH as possible with changing and feeding, throwing a diaper away and anything she can do even the smallest help with .
#4- Repeatedly tell her she is a good girl and you love her.
These are just a things that may help. I know how it is it can be hard but it will pass just hang in there. Hope these things help you as much as they help me. To answer your question NO your NOT a bad mother.

Answer 3

I don't think you are a bad mom. I wonder how I will deal because when my next child is born my daughter will be 2 yrs old.
You probably won't be able to stop you daughters attention seeking either. She deserves attention and probably needs just as much as your 3 month old. Do you have anyone who can watch the baby for an hour or two occasionally so you can spend time with you babygirl?

You probably also need some sleeeeeeeep. The lack of sleep you have from caring for 2 children can give you a short fuse. Maybe a friend or family member can give you a much needed morning or afternoon off and take care of both children so you can rest and relax, maybe get your nails done. If help is offered take it. It doesn't make you any less of a superwoman.

Answer 4

You have a lot of answers, so maybe you don't need one more. But I have a 3 year old girl and a 1 year old boy. From the beginning we included her in everything. She gets the diapers and wipes when we need it, helps get the shampoo and towels for baths. I fill a sink and let her clean the bottles (yeah, I do it right later when she's not looking), we let her get his pacifier, teddy bears, pick out his clothes and pajamas, etc. I also have her help with all chores as she loves cleaning, laundry, sweeping, dusting, dishes, etc. This gives her time with me. I also have guilt with being too harsh with her, as she still tries to seek attention still, but I think her attention seeking is at a normal level. Just remember that she's only two and wants nothing more than to be with you and have you love her. My son is very crabby, always has been, and demands a lot of time and attention, so I know it's hard on the big sister. But you're aware of how you're reacting, so you can make it better. Try something as simple as counting to 5, that'll at least give you a moment to check yourself. Or just excuse yourself to the bathroom for a cool down. During nap time or evenings let her stay up a little longer and do her fingernails or her hair. Play dressup with her when you have a minute. But mostly just include her in the everyday things and that'll probably be enough attention that she'll stop being annoying, or at least cut down.

Answer 5

It sounds like she just needs some mommy time. Set aside some time every day for just the two of you. You can even give it a special name like "Girl Time" or "Mommy Time." You might also want to try overly praising her at first when she does good things. I don't think this should be done all the time, but you have to be blatant about it at first. Compliment her for little things like closing the door quietly, saying please and thank you, saying something smart or funny. "I love the way you use your napkin. Thank you!" Once she starts to get positive attention, she'll soon see that it's the attention she wants. She's having to compete for your attention with a baby, which is no easy task for anyone. Even 8 and 9 year olds start to act out when their mom has a new baby. It's totally normal, and it doesn't make you a bad mum.

Answer 6

As a mother of two boys spaced 18 months apart I can relate.
You are not a bad mum, it is just to much for one person to handle. With the boys my husband took care of one of them and I made sure I gave 50/50 attention to each. Never had a problem with conflict.
My advice to you is, if you can get outside help to take care of the baby for a few hours and devote these hours with 100% attention to your daughter. This will make YOU feel less guilty, and have a better perspective of discipline with your older child.
If you cannot get outside help, be a little "negligent" with your baby,i.e., give him less attention than you did when your daughter was a baby. Remember that having two children is very different than a single one, so you cannot follow the textbooks to the letter, and on the other hand, at three months your little baby cannot hold a grudge to you, but I assure you a two year old can.
So, do what you must to not feel guilty, ignore judgement of outside people, try not to be a perfect mom, and everything will come out OK.
Remember, they do grow up, and you will NOT miss these days...
With sympathy,
fjv

Answer 7

For a lot of children negative attention is better than no attention. You are probably (and understandably) very tired and have a lot of demands on your time and attention at the moment. Try to spend some quality time with your daughter, half an hour each morning and each afternoon, maybe when your son is sleeping, or the 3 of you do something together like going for a walk or to the park. If you can praise and reward your little girl when she does something well or plays well then she will continue to try and please her mummy.
You are not a bad mum.

Answer 8

Of course you're not a bad mom! Anyone with more than one kid (except maybe multiples) has had to deal with this very same problem! My oldest 2 are a year and a day apart. She's now 12 and he's 11. Now, she was my first kid and the first grandchild, so she was used to being the center of everyone's universe. I was really concerned about how she'd feel about sharing the spotlight.

Well, I have the greatest friends and family! The day my son and I came home from the hospital, my dad brought over a very special, very small baby doll for the new co-mommy. He went and got it himself, which was so out of character for him then. Anyway, that doll was the greatest gift. Proportionately it was the same size for her as my baby was to me. We took care of our babies together, feeding, burping and changing them. She was so adorable toddling around with her baby, acting so grown up! At nap time, her baby had a special bed right next to my baby and we would tuck them in and then sit on the couch together and go "whew!" Then we had some "mommy time" together until she got sleepy too. It was great fun.

My friends were also a big help. Everyone who brought a gift for the new baby also brought a little something for the new big sister. They would congratulate her on her new position in the family and make her feel like she had a very imortant role to play. To this day my son feels like he has two mothers. Of course he doesn't think it's as cute as when he was little! Hope this helps. She just needs to know that she's still special. Good luck!

PS: My daughter will be 13 in January and still has that little doll. And her screen name: Bepa's Girl! How great is that?!

Answer 9

Sounds like your little gal is going through the terrible twos, which is normal. She is also still probably a little jealous of her newborn brother which is only natural. Try setting aside some time for each child individually, even if just a couple minutes and she will feed of the attention. Best of luck and anyone my age can tell you it's not easy but you'll get through it just fine mom. Don't be so hard on yourself and realize that everyone who's had children has had to face the same things as you are at present.

Answer 10

There are all children and you need all your resolve to be tolerant towards your two year old daughter.
You should gradually try and teach her that her young brother being so young also needs your attention the most.Teach her how to hold the baby by placing it on her lap and inform her that as the big sister she should learn to love the baby also.But never leave her with the baby alone. Find ways were the three of you interact and when she begins to annoy you just show tolerance because she definitely knows that the love she used to get is now being bestowed on the baby. Her actions will stop as time goes by particularly if the baby shows better growth.

Answer 11

I'm in the same situation, I have a 2yr old daughter & 10 month old twins, just lately my daughter has been playing up for my attention. One of the twins is now crawling so I am constantly chasing her & the other one only sits up so I feel bad for him as he can't join in with his sisters fun so I pay him attention whilst the other 2 are playing.

If your daughter wants your attention she'll look for it & if the only way she can get it is if she plays up therefore making you shout at her she will do it! Any attention is better than none at all to them! It is hard when you have a toddler & a baby, I know this 1st hand but the key is to try to leave a space free every day just for you & your daughter. I usually do it whenever I get the chance so it's usually lots through the day but sometimes only for 5 minutes. Read her a story or colour in a book, play with her toys, we have building blocks which my daughter loves, sometimes we get them out & make them fall.

Somedays I don't get the chance & I really notice the difference in my daughter, she really plays up so it definately works!

You're not a bad mother, you're a busy mother. I was in the same frame of mind as you this morning & I could have really done with someone telling me I'm not a bad mother so I really do hope this helps. Don't feel guilty, everyone gets stressed & if they say they don't they're lying! I certainly do, I shout so loud my neighbours hear me but they understand I have 3 young children & I get stressed! You're only human!

Good luck!