Should I confront my stepdaughter with all the nasty things she sad to me?

Question

My stepdaughter has been angry at her father for years for reasons she is now understanding. She wrote me and said alot of really horrible things to me directly and I want to call her on it. She is coming to visit this weekend because she just had a baby and wants us to see her after the fact that just 2 months ago she said that I was not to be a part of her child's life just her dad.

She never wanted anything to do with her dad for years till he got married. The same with his ex-wife. He has been divorced for 15yrs.....we've only been married 2 1/2 yrs.

She is coming to stay two nights.....They are from another state. Its not a couple hour visit.

Answer 1

no cause once she has settled into adulthood she will understand more,you could make things worse

Answer 2

I understand you feel angry and hurt, and I think you have a right to. I also think you are the older and wiser head in the equation. Although it might feel good on some level to call her on it, in the end- how would you feel about yourself? I've often heard that revenge is sweet, but my experience is that it leaves a more bitter taste in the mouth than sweet. There is no way of knowing what has happened in the past, between the ex's and the daughter. There isn't really any way to repair most of the damage done. But a new baby is an excellent excuse for a new beginning. You can't change the past- you can influence the future.
Perhaps if it would make things easier, you could try to approach the step daughter in a calm moment, just the two of you (though baby might make a silent third). It may be she regrets some of the words said in haste and hormone overload, and would appreciate the chance to mend things. She is coming to visit you after all- making quite a trip with a new baby in tow. That alone speaks for something, or at least it should. Perhaps if you would be willing to reach out to meet her, things in the future can improve for all of you. I don't see why you couldn't tell her how hurt you were by the things she wrote, and that you don't think you deserved them. It would give her a chance to apologize and for you to graciously understand. I wouldn't recommend an "in your face" attitude, as that really won't help matters and will just give justification for more hard feelings.
Young people are not always wise, in what they do or say. Sometimes it is necessary for the older and wiser one to give just a bit more leeway than would ordinarily be given- especially if the younger person is a relation. If for no other reason, consider the child. A baby is a new start, a new chance to start things again. The new baby will not have been affected by anything from the past, and can provide an excellent reason for you all to work to rebuild your relationships. And it is the baby who will lose the most if the group of you won't try to mend fences. Surely you can try, all of you, if not for yourselves, for the baby.

Answer 3

That is a tough one. Do you think you can talk to her in a non accusatory way?
She may not have wanted anything to do with her father in the past, that does not mean she is not sincere now. And as far as the horrible things she wrote you, does she even know you? Was she pregnant when she wrote them? What kind of relationship does she have with the babies father?
The fact that you are allowing her to come at all says that you have a capacity for kindness. Although I am no expert I would recommend using that kindness to try and get to know her and the baby and give her some sense of family that she apparently hasn't had(being that her parents have been divorced for a while). Being unkind will just make her feel justified in treating you in an unacceptable manner. Don't give her any ammunition.

If she does not respond in kind, try not to let her negativity affect the kind of person you are.

Answer 4

Did you show the letter to your husband? If not, I would. He needs to know what she's saying about you. Although she's his daughter, you are his wife and he needs to stand up for you. He should be involved in confronting her.

If your husband is worried about losing all hope of any relationship with his daughter, then let him visit with her and go do something else while she comes for a visit. But you could leave her a letter of your own. I would include that your not being there this first visit is out of respect for your husband, but in the future, if she is going to come visit her dad, then you will be there. If she's old enough to have a child, then she's old enough to be held accountable for her actions and the things she says. I wouldn't let her off the hook just because she has a baby.

Answer 5

Absolutely call her on it! She is an adult, and should be treated as such. If she has the guts to say a bunch of nasty stuff to you, then she should have the guts to hear what she doesn't want to hear. If you haven't done anything wrong, you have a right to be respected, especially by an ADULT step child. Do NOT be afraid to stand up for yourself. She might even respect you MORE for defending youself in a mature, respectful manner.

BTW- Writing someone a letter is a way for manipulative people to have a one-sided arguement. If that's the way she chooses to communicate, perhaps you should do the same thing...write her a response letter.

Answer 6

She sounds very childish. Unless you did something very bad I see no reason for her to say you can't be a part of her childs life. It is up to her dad to tell her that you a part of his life and she needs to deal with that and respect you in your home. If possible, you should sit down with her and talk in the kitchen while Grandpa visits with the baby, that is the only way you will find out the answers that you want to know.

Answer 7

well this one is a toughie.Being a step parent is very hard, but it sounds like your step daughter is an adult, which in her part was very immature to write you a nasty letter.Is she upset because she feels that you took her mothers place or maybe she feels like her father loves you more.Being an adult that she is, she should have sat you down and talked to each other about your feelings, because it is good to "vent", however, there are apporaite ways to do that. If she is wanting you two to be part of the child's life, do so, having grandparents is a very valuable thing in child's life. Just sit her down when you see her, and tell her that you want to talk like adults and ask her why she doesnt like you, let her know that you arent trying to take anyones place or anything like that, and tell her you would love to be able to get along and be able to communcaite.

Answer 8

I am a step daughter. I realized as an adult that my father was often the cause of conflict. He would lie and manipulate my step mother and I. We didn't realize it at the time. So he might be telling you one thing to make himself the victim. They obviously have some emotional history.

My step mother and father are now divorced. I don't speak to my father but my step mother is now once of my dearest friends. But we went through years of grief to get here.

I wouldn't confront her...but I would invite her to lunch just the two of you perhaps and at lunch tell her that you would like to discuss the letter she wrote. She was probably angry and if she just had a baby-hormones make you think crazy things. From the lack of sleep to deep hidden emotions from childhood.

Answer 9

A situation like this never gets better with confrontation that is hostile in nature. I would suggest inviting her to a cup of coffee or for an afternoon of shopping, so it's just you and her. Keep in mind that if you let her know you're angry she'll become defensive. You need to tell her what she said hurt you, and that you want to be there for her. See if she understands. I would suggest that if she takes you up on coffee, ice cream, shopping, etc... that she wants some resolution too.

Answer 10

I would personally not call her on it. Let her deal with her bad feelings on her own. She may have mellowed with the birth of her baby . Her hormones may be on an even keel and she is feeling like a jack*ss for her behavior.

I would not leave when she comes to your house. It is YOUR house. Be civil. If she brings her issues to your house then all bets are off. She is an adult not a child. She can either learn to control herself of she can deal with the consequences. I would not be aggressive but I would certainly let her know where I stood and that I was not going to deal with her immature issues regarding you and her father.

As far as her baby is concerned, her bringing the baby to your house is what makes me think she has gotten over her issues with you. This gesture may be her olive branch. Don't hit her with it until you know what is going on.

Answer 11

To be perfectly honest, I wouldn't want my stepmother involved in my child's life either. She is a violent and manipulative woman. I wouldn't want my father significantly involved, but I would respect that he would like to see his grand babies. My father and I have never seen eye to eye and I would never want him to treat my child the way he treated me. I can't trust either of them. Neither of them show or have shown me any level of respect, I can't deal with the psychological warfare, I will not subject my children to the psychological or physical abuse.

It's a two way street. I'm sure she has her reasons. "Calling her on it" is childish. Do you really feel that strongly the need to "prove" a point? Suck up, be the adult, and let it go.