I'm in the mood for a laugh, chuckle or giggle
2006-10-06 00:05:56 · 8 answers · asked by helpme1 5 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Here are a few things you have probably never thought about;
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny
for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were
buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be
a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you
naked anyway.
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about
him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut,
why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're
both dogs!
If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables,what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same
tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but
call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you the take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out
window?
2006-10-06 06:02:42 · answer #1 · answered by Imajica 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I got emailed these last week for a laugh:
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the
casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped off, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
A WOMAN'S POEM
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the **** out of him...
Like his MOMMA used to do.
And this is REAL 911 CALLS transcripts
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the
kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven .
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
2006-10-06 00:52:28 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The military makes a decision they have got too many officials so come to a decision to permit a couple of opt for early retirement, in addition they stated that the 3 men and women to depart voluntarily will have an further retirement bonus multiplyed by way of £one thousand among any two selected facets on their frame, the primary military officer to be measured says I'd love to be measured from the end of my head to my ft and leaves with £one hundred,000 the moment officer is a little bit cleverer than the primary and stretches out his fingers and says from the end of his left hand center finger to the end of his proper hand center finger he leaves with £a hundred and fifty,000 the final one to be measured is specially scarred and asks for the end of his penis to his testicles, the health care provider asks him to rethink, unconvinced by way of the mans unwise option! The guy nonetheless insists on getting those 2 facets measured, in order he strips off the health care provider appears on the guy and exclaimes "well lord wherein are your testicles?" The guy evenly replies "within the falklands"
2016-08-29 07:04:45 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Help, I hope this helps!!
Did you hear about the man who was snorting Sweet and Lo?
He thought it was diet coke!!
Blonde jokes--(I'm blonde so I can tell em!)
Why did the blonde lose her job in the M&M factory?
She threw out all the W's!!
How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out on the screen!!
Some oldies--
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck??
Quackers and milk!
Why couldn't the man join the ladies sewing circle??
He couldn't mend straight!
Enjoy!!
2006-10-06 00:17:20 · answer #4 · answered by bigsis1197 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
did you hear about the Irish tap dancer who broke his leg..
HE FELL IN THE SINK..
how do you send an Irish man mad.....
put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner...
what note do you get if you drop a grand piano down a mine shaft
A FLAT MINOR...
2006-10-06 00:22:22 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you know about the guy who wanted to kill a bird so he walked up and threw it off a mountain?
2006-10-06 00:14:24 · answer #6 · answered by daydreamer 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Try drowning a fish in water..put out a fire with petrol...
2006-10-06 00:19:30 · answer #7 · answered by lim h 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
where do you find a dog with no legs?answer....right where you left him!
2006-10-06 00:24:39 · answer #8 · answered by rosesrbl 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋