parent teacher conference..&...discipline?

Question

we went to parent/teacher/student conference tonight and with my 8 and 6 year old sitting there my sons teacher asked how i discipline him? resently we have been trying many forms of discipline with our children to see what works best... time out, loss of priviledges, rationalizing, reward systems and the occasional spanking when the crime fits the punishment. so when she asked me that i explained all of our methods. and she stopped me on rationalizing... and asked well who decides the consequences? i was shocked at first... of course the parents right? should he have a choice at 8 yrs old? i mean its his choice to behave the ways he does and i explain that to him, but should he get to pick his punishment when he chooses to misbehave?? then she went on to say... well no wonder why he looks at me like im crazy. because i let him choose. im lost please any feedback (serious) will be greatly appriciated. thanks!!!

my concern is shouldnt a child be taught by his parents that when you make a bad decision your actions will have consequences... i dont want to raise a child that grows up and robs a bank and thinks its okay because he will just choose to loose t.v. for a week?? how can she think that letting the child choose will teach him any life lessons??
also she does have children... and they seem to be well behaved.
has anyone else let their child choose their punishments??

Answer 1

Sometimes I will let my girls chose there punishment, but I give them only 2 choices (these are for bad offenses). I will give them a choice of all day in there room + grounding for 1 or 2 weeks, or a spanking (this may sound like a easy choice for my girls, but they don't like spanking so it's rare they take the over the lap choice) Other times we don't give them the choice, for example if they have a fun event coming up, we ground them. Other times we just spank them. Remember we are only talking about serious offenses here.

They also must be old enough to make this choice, for example my 10, and 7 year old we do this with but not my 3 year old.

Good Luck

Answer 2

oh wow--is this ever crazy--but i know some people that think like this.

Want to know what another teacher (and a Mom as well) tells parents? I teach second grade. Druing open house I am famous (or infamous) for suggesting that if I have to call them up about their child's behavior they should give a spanking.

Consequences are just another word for punishment. It is one part of discipline--but we choose what degree of disagreeableness the child has earned by misbehaving. They do not choose.

This idea of choice all comes from the absurd idea that children are on equal footing with adults--and should be our pals and equals. Horsefeathers--it is our job to make them into adults.

Having a child sit there when you have a parent-teacher conference is equally absurd. This is a time to talk about your child. How can one do that when they are sitting right there? Heck--we would never even think of doing that in front of another adult we were talking about. It is just nonsense.

You just do what you think is right. You do not need to consult on the issue with your children. And I wouldn't take too much advise on this type of issue from this teacher.

Answer 3

you are doing the right thing you are the authority figure. I know how you feel that these teachers are being taught BS psychology of positive reinforcement and decision making. Another knock to good parenting. You are teaching him that life you cant choose your punishment in life, when he grows up if he kills a person the judicial system isn't going to let him choose his punishment and you need to explain that to his teacher that she might try to work with your parental enforcement and come up with an appropriate punishment list for him. Granted the are some kids that can do well with deciding consequences but usually they know that they choose which ones can get them what they want.

Answer 4

My concern is that the teacher didn't say anything about trying different types of discipline, especially at this late stage. There should be ONE type of discipline already in place in the home, should have been a LONG time ago, long before they were even in school. Then "spanking" wouldn't be needed because the parents wouldn't be getting so frustrated and angry enough to have to hit in order to be obeyed. All spanking does is teach a child that when one is angry or frustrated it is perfectly acceptable to hit. Great thing to teach a school aged child I'm sure. Frankly I think both you AND the teacher are lost although I can see where she is coming from...but her theroy only works if there already IS a set discipline form in place...your family obviously has none...except hitting.

Answer 5

My son is 11. I usually pick the punishment for my son. But from time to time i will give him a choice of 2 or 3 equally punishing consequences. If he chooses 1 that I do not feel fits the bill I will let him have that one and add another to it. I have also been known to call the police on my own son. 1 for stealing from a store. and the other was for vandalizing my car (used a rock to scratch a nice little design in the paint). But ultimately the choice is yours. Do what works for you and your son.

Answer 6

The only problem here is that you are questioning yourself! Don't!! His teacher has no right to tell you how to raise your children. If a child is in harm, then it's a good point for them to step in. This is not the case here, so stop worrying about what other people think. Many times as parents, we feel intimidated by teachers as if they know better than we do. Their life is lecturing people, so of course they will often lecture us as well!! Remember that the next time you go to a parent teacher conference.

Answer 7

That's BS. The parent should make the rules, and stick to them, lay out different situations that would deem different punishments. Like you hit your brother, the punishment is doing all his chores for a month, and stick to that, he knows the punishment in advance it, and I'd go further, if it happens again that's the 2nd time, chores for 2 months, etc. Kids need boundaries, they want boundaries, they don't want to always wonder what will happen, you need to spell it out to them. I'm surprized her kids behave, just wait until they are older, I'm sure it will be a different story. To me that's like saying to a criminial, do you wanna go to jail or rake leaves for a year! Society has to be more responsible and spell out punishment that fits the offense, you see kids the way they are today from lax parents who don't enforce rules and stick to what they say they are gonna do. I remember with my nephew sitting in a class watching a teacher saying: "If you don't stop you will have extra homework for a punishment" She said that like 10 times and there was no extra work and the misbehavior went on and on. You don't learn from choosing your own punishment, that's why society has laws.

Answer 8

Do you really want to get me started on this topic???? I go rounds with my son's school! And I am a teacher!

Look, here is the deal.... the schools have no business even asking questions about what is going on at home. I tell the school straight up.... you are here to teach my child. Ask yourself the question, "Does this have anything to do with reading, writing or math?" If the answer is "no" then you do not need to discuss it in your class, or ask me about it. I am the parent and what I say goes. If you want to play the "choose" game with your kid fine, but do not try to tell me how to raise my child.

You need to set boundaries with that teacher right away. Do not let me try to bully you. I have no problem setting boundaries with the school. There is too much dipping into what is going on at home in order to boost funding. If they get to label a kid they get more money. It is a vicious, ridiculous waiste of our time as parents, and a waste of academic time for the student.

Keep teachers focused on doing their job, instead of trying to put the blame on the parents. If she is having classroom management issues she needs to change what she is doing, not ask what you are doing.

Answer 9

Does she have children of her own? If not, she doesn't have a clue about discipline even if she is a teacher. Continue to do what you have been doing and ask her to notify you if she has any problems with your child in class so that you can handle it yourself.

Answer 10

The child chooses his/her behavior, but they don't have the right to choose the consequence of that behavior. Some consequences are inherent in the behavior but many are not. It is the parent's responsibility to choose the consequence.