For military wives, service members, or vets?

Question

My husband is coming home from Iraq in a few weeks YAY! but I am worried about things. I know alot of soldiers come home and are fine, but then some aren't ok at all. What should I do to make things good around here until he gets back into things? I know try not to argue with him but is there anything else? Also how are they about talking about their experiences? I have heard people say don't bring it up to them at all. Thanks for any help!

Answer 1

I think that the best way to help him deal with things is to let him know that you are there, and don't make assumptions about anything. Even a casual comment like "I'm so glad you made it home" if y'all are watching the news can bring about feelings of resentment- He is gonna think about people that didn't make it. Survivor's guilt can be a tricky thing to deal with, especially if he lost a lot of close friends or had to do some stuff that he feels is morally wrong.
Let him know that he is loved, and if he wants to talk fine, not talking is ok too. He may want to spend a lot of time alone- let him. He may want to spend time with his Buddies that were there- let him. He is going to go through ups and downs, but the best thing is for you to remain steadfast, and let him let you in.
All of this being said- If for any reason you feel physically threatened, LEAVE. Go to a hotel, a friends house, anywhere safe, and let him cool off. Let him know that you aren't leaving for good, just for him to cool down.
I've noticed that my friends who are returning seem to be compelled to save complete stangers, and are not afraid of ANYTHING. They have faced death. They have beaten death.
This seems to fade after awhile. But most of all LOVE him unconditionally, and know that you will never really understand what he's been through.
See if there is a spousal support group at your base. See what counseling is available for him, should he need it. Keep a diary so that you can see if anything is changing for the better, or if things are not getting better.
I wish y'all the best!

Answer 2

My husband came home from Iraq a year and a half ago. Don't ask many questions. It was really hard for him to talk about things. Every once in a while he might say something, I act really interested and sympathetic and then he opens up a little more. That's only happened in the last few months. My husband takes medication for PTSD. His symptoms were being short tempered, sleeping 90% of most days or getting no sleep at all, violent nightmares (he'd wake up bruised), sometimes very emotional (what ever he was feeling was extreme), paranoia, and secluding himself from others. Before he got help, he would drink himself happy or asleep. He doesn't drink at all now and the medication really helps. He still has some very bad days, but they are few and far between. He still jumps when there are loud bangs (no more diving under tables though), he also has wierd driving habits he picked up in Iraq. He scans overpasses and changes lanes while under them. My husband lost a few best friends over there, so I think thats why its been so hard for him. He just recently dug their pictures out of a box and hug them on the wall.

Good luck. If you see signs of PTSD don't pressure him to get help. My husband had a hard time he kept thinking if he got help he was less of a man and not a good soldier, now he know its the opposite. He eventually did it on his own time. Be supportive and understanding. Hope everything goes well.

Answer 3

As the wife of a disabled Vietnam Veteran, there are support services on base for spouses also, most VA hospitals have spouse support groups. There are also places called, "Vet Centers," they are not affiliated with the VA in any way. They are there for the Vet and his family. I can only talk about my experience, because everyone's is different. But I will say this, coming back from combat changes a person. As his wife, you will need to be patient, loving, supportive and understanding. Above all, remain strong. He may say, or do things that he doesn't mean towards you. Something, may trigger him that you or he may not expect. For my husband, when the air from a fan would hit him, he would have a flashback. He would do things, and say things that were not meant towards me. I could tell, by the look in his eyes that he just was not here. His body was here, but his mind was in Vietnam. My husband remembers the fan blades going around on the chopper when he was injured being air vac'd out. So it could be anything. You will have to see how things go with him when he does return. You need to know that you need to take care of you too. Everything can be fine, and then one day or years later, something could happen to trigger him. Or it might not. Just be aware of what could possibly happen. So you don't get into a fight over something simple. When it could end up being PTSD rearing its ugly head. I have learned over the years that anniversary dates are a very emotional time. Those dates can be anything from a friend that was killed, to him returning home, or something traumatic happening. He also might have survivor's guilt when he comes back. My husband felt like he should have died in Vietnam, but though he came back crippled, both mentally and physically, he couldn't understand why he came back when so many of his friends didn't. Out of the 9 that went over, 3 came back, including my husband. The other 2 committed suicide. My husband didn't seek help for many, many years. Because he thought he could handle it himself. And he ended up self medicating himself. I am not saying in any way, that every Vietnam Vet came back like this, I am saying this is my experience. I will tell you as a wife of a combat Vet, that we have been through hell and high water. But, I made a promise to him, that I would never leave him no matter how bad it got. And, it did get pretty bad. He does still get help today. And though it has been 34 years, there have been alot of good times too. Just know that it isn't you, its war. It's not his fault either. Just grow together. Sometimes all you can do as a wife, is just be there for him. To hold his hand, wipe his tears, and give him lots of hugs. If he does decide to talk about his experiences, he might want to speak to a professional first. Not a civilian, because it's different. I know you may have heard alot of bad about the VA, but in all my years, my husband has been taken care of wonderfully at the VA and Military bases. I say take him to a professional first, for the reason that he has seen things, and done things that he would probably feel he could not tell you, his wife, let alone a woman. If he does feel comfortable enough, and wants to talk, let it be his timing, not yours ok. Try not to worry, and enjoy every moment you have together.

Answer 4

As a Vietnam vet with PTSD, I will suggest this.
Keep doing things now has you have been doing only with the exception of him now being home with the family.
Do not ask him about any of his experiences, let him bring them up.
Watch for sudden mode swings. Fits of rage, crying for no apparent reason, etc.
Each war is different and each person is affected differently.
If you live near a base or on the base, watch for returning soldier support groups, or one for you as well.
If he starts showing any of the signs above DO NOT confront him with it, but seek help quietly at first or as the circumstances may dictate.
Good Luck, for I know as a vet these guys/gals coming home are going to have problems.
Remember to be in a combat situation one day and then be at home so quickly will take time and adjustment.
Be for warned about any loud noises, helicopters, etc. may create a flashback situation.
Other than that all of the above have given you good advise as well especially warplesno. Also be aware the man you married may or may not be the man returning, give him time and space, and above all let him know he is still loved.
Again Good Luck and wish there was more I could do to help, besides the "take a soldier fishing" events I get involved in around Kentucky.

Going to add some links that may or may not help you out but lots of info.

http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/treatment/fs_treatment.html

http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/veterans/fs_managing_stress.html

http://www.ncptsd.va.gov/facts/specific/fs_family.html

http://www.ptsdsupport.net/vetcenter.html

Answer 5

Definately don't get into fights, and definately don't bring up Iraq. If they want to talk about it, they will bring it up. My husband is there as well, and he comes home in febuary! I can't wait. Just be patient with him when he comes home. He may not be as attached to you as you would like. But it is becuase he has been at war for the last 6-12 months... (I don't know how long he has been there for.) Also, don't pressure the whole sex thing. lol. I know that kinda sounds funny. But if he wants to get intimate, then that should definately be his decision for the time being. Good luck when he comes home, I am so excited for you!

Answer 6

Chances are he'll have PTSD of some degree. Don't expect the Armed Forces to help because they don't care. Prepare yourself for therapy of some sort and implore him to go with you.
Killing other humans leaves residual effects on the human psyche because it's NOT NORMAL.
He might seem that he's handling things well, but I can almost guarantee you that it will only be for a short while.
Then get him to think about leaving the service.
Most importantly, take time to study the Bible together and see what it says about forgiveness. He'll need it and he'll want it.
I still have nightmares even though I have had successful treatment.
But turning to Jehovah God as my Sovereign Lord and Almighty God is what finally worked.
God Bless and thanks for reading.

Answer 7

First of all, to say the military doesn't care is incorrect. When my husband came home they were doing reintegration sessions for a week before they even had leave. They got half days of mini-seminars (which did try their patience after having been in a combat zone for so long), but it provided a transition from always-on, to having leave which was always-off. They filled out surveys before they even left to come home, and again after they got back. The Army also did periodic check ups on them over the following year. This is supposed to be an Army-wide program. If your husband is in a different branch, I'm not sure what all they'll do on his return.

Try not to worry, and certainly don't look for things to be wrong. The advice I give is let him know ONCE that you're there to listen if he wants to talk, and then let things fall as they may. Don't hound him, don't even ASK him to talk to you. If he wants to, he will. Don't be offended if he talks to other people about it, especially soldiers, and not you. He wants people who understand. You will NOT understand, no matter how much you think you will, and he knows this. If he comes to you anyway, great. My husband tells me some stories, but doesn't bring it up a whole lot. Usually if they talk a lot about the HARD stuff, they're either lying/exaggerating or unstable. The stories I get are about the time they lit the orchard on fire, or blew up the pump house (boys and their explosions), or the kids who would hang around for candy and water, or how he hurt his foot 2 days before coming home because he had to jump off a wall to avoid incoming fire. I get some "holy-****" stories, too, like the RPG that flew right through the back their truck because they had the doors off, right after the one skipped across the hood. But if someone got hurt, or if there was intense fighting going on, don't expect to hear about it.

DON'T go through his picture collection. My husband came home with literally stacks of cd's full of pictures. If he wants to show you something, he'll find it and show you (mine has some fabulous pictures of sunsets and mosques, etc). Don't go perusing through them yourself, chances are you won't like what you find. (I'm talking aftermath, etc, not other women.)

If you have kids, it's very important that you keep them in their routine. They'll adjust better this way since they'll have a familiar stability in that routine. If you have more than one, it's a good idea to have your hubby spend individual time with each of them. Keep up your routine as well. If you're out of the house for a while, fine, he'll have time to himself. It will also keep things from feeling like they're falling apart.

You're right on with not arguing with him. He'll need time to readjust to the safety and quiet of home, and to find his place again in the life you (and your children) have been leading while he was away. Include him, tell him what's going on, but don't expect him to jump in and take over, or even be really involved with stuff right away.

Don't be his servant, he's still a grown-up, but be helpful and patient with him. If you find him zoning out somewhere, just tell him you love him and let him be. Don't ask what's wrong, don't ask if he wants to talk, just "I love you," and that's it.

The most important thing you can do to help him come back is to be there, be supportive, and tell him sincerely that you love him. Everything else will fall into place.

Answer 8

my husband came home from iraq onR&R and ended up staying home with us due to our infant having to have open heart surgery. at first all was normal...he was happy to be home with us. he is still happy to be here w/us but feels guilty about his "buddies" that are over there. make sure to let your husband help you around the house..w/the kids if you have any. us military wive learn to do it all on our own why they are gone..but just take some time to relax when he comes home and let him help you. also..let him tell you about his experiences when he is ready to...be a good listener to him. and be a shoulder for him to cry on when he needs it. he has been through things and seen things that we would never want to experience. avoid large crowds of people too..if he has any form of PTSD this can cause problems and cause him to freak out. do not be afraid to seek consuling if you feel that you need it..but do not go through the military for this..they will kick him out. find a service such as lutheran family services ect...and do not bill it to tricare. there are places out there that will help you pay for it. my husband and i do consuling..and it is helping lots.

Answer 9

Well, I met my husband after he got out of the military but he did help clean up the Pentagon when it was hit in 2001. We met in 2003. They were on suicide watch and had to talk to counselors after everything they had seen. He had nightmares for months after that. He's only talked about it to me once and we've been together for three yrs now. I have told him that I am willing to listen if he ever wants to talk. Holidays such as Fourth of July and Veterans Day , Memorial Day, September 11 are a big deal to him. He got a tatoo in memory of Sept 11 as well. If he hears a patriotic song or sees something about Sept 11 on tv he gets a lil choked up. Luckily he didn't have to go to Iraq. So I know war is a little different than cleaning up bodies at the Pentagon but I figured any similar situation would help ya out. But all I can tell you is don't pressure him to talk about it. He'll talk to you about it when he is ready to and just be there for him. Tell you husband thanks for fighting for our country and good luck to both of you.

Answer 10

I'd try and give him a little space to adapt to the homefront again. Talking about his experiences? I'd let him come to you on that subject. He might want to tell you about it, but it's up to him. Don't push him if he doesn't want too though. Just make him feel at home and be yourself. You guys will do fine.