Here's one for the books...?

Question

I have a 4 1/2 year old boy. Only child, pretty much has everything he could want, so yes, he is spoiled but not to the point of throwing tantrums to get what he wants, I can tell him no and he's okay with it. PROBLEM: he is in pre-kinder and is in trouble every day for being "rough" with the kids. He is a very big boy, weighs 80# and is about 6" taller than his classmates. We have taken away tv, video games, bike, tools(he likes to "build" stuff), candy, everything we can possibly think of. Nothing is working...he has been without all this stuff for 2 weeks, just plays with about 3 cars and 1 bear. Any suggestions?

I do know that I am at fault for letting him be overweight...that is not the issue...and about being materialistic, maybe you are right...and yes, I sit down with him everyday and talk to him...hello, this is why i posted this question, to get others input

Answer 1

I work with kid and problems. You should never use negative reinforcement only positive reinforcement. That mean don't take things way from him instead give him priviledges for being good.

This is how bullies are born. If he can get away with it he has power. You need to talk to him daily about other peoples feelings and how would he like that kind of behavior. Children this age can not make a connection between what they are doing and how it feels to get treated that way. You can help him make that connection. Size has nothing to do with it except he has strength and can use it. Many large boys are teddy bears.
Also spoiled kid can act out. They get spoiled if they get all they want. Belive it or not, kids who have everything, tons of stuff and their parents can't stop buying them everything.....these are the ones that have problems at school and with other kids. Kids want your time. It is more important than any possession. They will even take negative attention if that is what they can get.
So you need lots of possitive attention. Talk to him when he does bad things and explain in kids terms why it is not tolerated. Do not ever take things away from him. That stops working because kids begin to think they are not worthy and there goes their self-esteem. Instead, tell him if he is kind to the kids at school when he comes home you will bake with him or take him to the park or local pool and then follow thorugh. Do this for awhile and then tone it down to just extras around the house like let him help you wax the car or dust the furniture with you. Make sure the reward is appropriate for his age but feels grown up. Kids cherish time with you and the feeling of being older.
This will work but you must give time to it. He is worth it.

Answer 2

For one thing... if you have a 4 1/2 year old kid who weighs 80 lbs... you have some work ahead of you. He is Oprah waiting to happen.. in about 20 years, he is gonna be on a talk show... I come from a family of 8 kids.. all of us have battled weight all of our lives, because my folks had poor poor times when they were kids. I am not blaming my folks... let him keep the tools to build things, and the bike for exercise.. If he is 80 lbs he has had way too much candy to begin with. Maybe kids are making fun of him .. which makes him angry and be a bully.. you need to fix that now. Unfortunately.. my kids were the ones being bullied by the bigger guy.. so I am on the other end here.. but.. he is 4 years old, do not take away his childhood... 3 cars and a bear?? he is 4 .. Talk to the teachers at preschool.. maybe you all can come up with a plan to work on...

Answer 3

Check out The Discipline Book by Dr. Sears. It has some great advice on gentle discipline techniques and talks a lot about *why* children do what they do, which can shed a lot of light on frustrating behaviors.

He's still learning socialization and empathy at this age, so it's a great time to talk about how his actions make other people feel, using gentle hands, using his words instead of his body to express feelings or ask for what he wants, etc. Give him positive reinforcement when you notice him using those skills. Stay away from phrases like "bad boy" -- instead, identify the behavior that is bad. Use specific, concrete words at home. Instead of "Stop that!" try "Take your feet off the couch. The couch is for sitting. You can sit on the couch or wrestle on the floor -- your choice." It's longer and takes more thought, but it's an investment in your child's future behavior. You've helped him know specifically what he shouldn't be doing AND what he can do instead.

That reminds me. There's a series of books called Hands Are Not For Hitting, Feet Are Not For Kicking, Teeth Are Not For Biting (etc.) They might be a tad young for him, but the concepts and the drawings are great.

Good luck!

Answer 4

How about talking with his teachers on giving you a progress report? All he sees now is the negative. So ask them to e-mail or write a note to you saying how his day was. If he did well, he gets back a toy, gets to go to the park,etc.

Where he is bigger than the rest of the kids, he might get picked on and the only way he knows how to deal with it is with pushing and shoving. Honestly, it would probably be less of a big deal if he was smaller too because he's so big and push from him could send another kid flying. My 3 year old daughter is tough for her age, and when she pushes her 5 year old sister around, she flies. She's not overweight, but she is almost as tall as her sister. Maybe tell him that the other kids could get hurt if he continues. He will eventually learn how to play with the other kids, this is what pre-k teaches them. It's a hard situation to be in. Part of you feels like HE is the one who is being singled out and punished, and part of you knows what he is doing is wrong. Keep the lines of communication open with the teachers. Good luck.

Answer 5

I think I would start trying time outs! I found I had to do that with my 4 year old. Thats all that works for her. WIth the time outs, start the min.s with how old they are like my daughter is 4 so she gets 4 min in the time out chair. Make sure there are no toys or anything in the area. And make it a plain space like so there is nothing on the walls or anything so they can think about what they did. i tried everything before time outs, and I wasnt really too sure off doing that with my daughter but its the only thing tht works!! If that doesnt work, Im not sure what to do. But if he really likes going to Pre-Kinder, tell him that if he doesnt stop bullying the other kids he cant go anymore. ( and just skip one class or so, so that he knows you are serious) I hope this helps and I wish you luck, I know how challenging these kids can be!!

Answer 6

Karate (as someone mentioned above) is actually a very good idea, as they teach children to respect others.
My suggestion would be to explain to your son that the other children are smaller and may need him to be the "big boy" of the class. If he can be a role model, and help the other children he may forget about playing rough. He just hasn't had the experience of being around other kids, and he doesn't understand that they have the same feelings he does. He needs to learn how to be a "big brother" to the other kids.

Answer 7

Um, you do realize your son is a person, right? How about sitting down and talking to him about WHY he's acting out. Then tell him it simply not acceptable to act that way. Then give DAILY consequences. Drawn out consequences don't work well with young children. I'd give back his toys, its only stunting his intellectual growth, and he's clearly not learning the lesson. Everytime he acts out, there needs to be a VERY specific and IMMEDIATE reprecussion, and for God's sake, BE CONSISTANT!!! If you can't get through to your son by talking to him, then take him to a counselor who can.

And get the boy to a doctor, I'm not trying to be mean, but eighty pounds is way too big for any 4 1/2 year old. Perhaps other children isolating or teasing him has led to his destructive behavior. But seriously, you shouldn't be giving your son whatever he wants, you are contributing to the problem. And I'm guesing that's why he's over weight, from getting to eat whatever he likes. He could have serious health repercussions down the road, get him help now, for his sake!

Answer 8

Try & get him in a physical gym type class, karate, gymnastics. Anything where he has to learn to play with others in a very controlled atmosphere for an hour or so a day. The schools don't want to deal with it and it sounds as if he has lots of energy. Watching wrestling had to go in our house, and Dad had to knock off the rough housing also.

Answer 9

Have you tried really talking with him. It sounds as though his toys material things, play a big role in your thoughts. I'm not trying to be mean...that is the first thing that I thought of when I read your question. If talking with him doesn't help, I would suggest taking him to a counselor,and let him/her try to get through to him. And I do wish you and your child the best of everything.

Answer 10

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