Has anyone got anything funny to say ?

Question

Tell us a good joke, cos I've been listening to my 7mth old screaming for most of the day, and could do with a laugh !
Otherwise I'm off to bed !

Answer 1

2 oranges walk into a bar, one says to the other: "you're round"!!

either that or

whats brown and sticky?

a stick.


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Answer 2

What does a moron thinks when he sees a banana peel.
Should I slip on left foot or right foot.

What does a moron thinks when he sees a banana peel again?
Oh Jeeezus, I will have to slip again!!!

Why does a moron stares at the Juice bottle.
It said "Concentrate"

How does a moron gets a white sheet of paper?
By photocopying another white sheet.

How to keep a moron busy?
tell him to sit in a corner in a round room or just write PTO on both sides of paper.

Why a moron will not enter the Arrow showroom?
It pointed to the next showroom

How do tweleve morons remove a nail from the wall?
eleven hold the wall and one will pull the nail.

Two morons were playing chess!!!

Answer 3

Hi!

I was telling my kids these jokes today, and they thought they were funny!!

Starvation in Russian by Henrietta Bottomoff !

Falling off Mountains by Eileen Dover !

Making Money by Ivor Lott ! (GROAN!!)

Great British Shrubery by Teresa Green !

Bubbles in the Bath by Wynn D Bottom !

Baby Sitting by Justin Casey Cries !

These probably won't make your sides ache, but I do hope they bring a little smile!!

Don't worry, I'm sure the screaming won't last too long!! I hope!

Best of luck with the little one!

Answer 4

okay, here's one. it's a four-parter:

1) how do you put an elephant in the refrigerator?

open the door, put the elephant in, then close the door

2) how do you put an giraffe in the refrigerator?

open the door, TAKE THE ELEPHANT OUT, put the giraffe in, then close the door

3) simba called a meeting of all the animals. what animal won't be there?

the giraffe. it's still in the refrigerator

4) you come to a river. you need to get across it. the sign on the bank says: NO SWIMMING. CROCODILE-INFESTED! there is no bridge or boat. how do you get across?

swim. the crocodiles are all at the meeting

Answer 5

Man goes into bar and asks for a pint and a whisky for the donkey, this is repeated all night, when the man goes to the toilet the barman goes outside to his table and tells the woman what her partner has been saying, the woman replies " aw, heaw, heaw, heaw..lways says that "

Answer 6

I told this one before, i got 10 points for it. A guy takes a woman home for sex and when he drops his pants the woman says "oh my, that's the biggest John Thomas iv'e ever seen. I have you know i have a weak heart". The guy says "well turn over on your side and i'll try and miss it" HA! HA! where's my 10 points.

Answer 7

A flat chested woman goes out shopping for a new bra.She goes into shop after shop asking if they have a size 28A but she can't find one anywhere.Eventually she tries her luck in a small lingerie shop run by an old deaf lady."Have you got anything in size 28A?" asks the woman."What was that dear?" says the old lady.The woman lifts up her T-shirt exposing her breasts and says,"Have you got anything for these?"The old lady peers at the womans boobs and says,"No dear.Have you tried Clearasil?"

Answer 8

A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly... "My as$hole itches, and I can't scratch it!"

Answer 9

FAVORITE OXYMORONES
Act naturally
Found missing
Resident Alien
Advanced basic
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Same difference
Almost exactlly
Sanitary landfill
Alone together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living dead
Small crowd
Soft rock
Butthead
New classic
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic natural gas
Passive aggression
Taped live.

Answer 10

Here are a few that I either made up or heard:

Three kids went to the circus. Soon they were brought before a judge. The judge asked the first boy, "What's your name?" "Johnny!" "What did you do, Johnny?" "I threw peanuts in the elephant pen!" "Oh, that's okay, you're free to go." The judge asked the second boy, "What's your name?" "Billy!" "What did you do, Billy?" "I threw peanuts in the elephant pen!" "Oh, that's not so bad, you can go." The judge asked the third boy, "What's your name?" "Peanuts!"

One day there was a flood. A man was trapped on the roof of his house. A lifeboat came by, and the men onboard said, "Come on, jump in, we'll save you!" "No, no, God will save me." So the lifeboat moved on. Pretty soon, a second lifeboat came by. The crew spoke, "Hey, get on, you'll be safe!" "No, that's okay, God will save me." So the second lifeboat moved on. Soon a helicopter flew by and lowered a ladder to the man. "Climb up the ladder! We'll save you!" "I have faith that God will save me." Well, the man died in the flood. When he got to heaven, he asked God, "Hey, God, why didn't you save me?" God replied, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, buddy, where were you?"

One day three kids, Johnny, Billy, and Ted, died and went to heaven. When they got there, an angel told them, "Okay, you can wander freely around here, but don't step on any ducks." The three boys agreed, and were careful not to step on any ducks. Johnny stepped on a duck, and suddenly this incomprehensibly ugly woman with hair all over her body was standing next to him. "What happened!?" Billy and Ted asked. "I stepped on a duck," Johnny answered. So the three of them...and the ugly woman...walked on. Billy stepped on a duck, and suddenly a grotesque, inhuman girl materialized right before him and clung to his arm. "What happened!?" Johnny and Ted asked. Billy replied, "I stepped on a duck." So the three boys...and the two ugly, grotesque ladies...walked on. Suddenly Ted found an utterly beautiful and pretty young woman standing right before him. "What happened to you?" Johnny and Billy asked her. She replied, "I stepped on a duck."

This guy went to the doctor.
"Doctor, how bad is it? Is it really that serious?"
"Well, it looks like we're going to have to operate on it."
"Can I have a second opinion?"
"Okay, you're ugly."

There were two offices side by side, one specializing in study of psychology, and other specializing in proctology. Since they were so close together, they decided to name them together. The first name was "Nuts and butts." Then it was changed to, "Odds and ends." They finally decided on "Queers and rears."