I am a bit torn. I have a 5 yr old from a prev relationship that was short lived, i was very young. the?

Question

fathers fam has always been halfass abt my son but i always tried to be freindly with them. when i met my current partner he said i need to stop contact w/them to let them do the work in having a rel w/my son which i have done. i guess in a way i just feel bad for my son b/c it is awkward to have parents that dont talk. my parnter says i need to just tell my son that his dad wasnt nice to me & thats why we dont talk. its a touchy issue but i know that if i want an improved bond w/my son i need to be truthful but i dont wnt to come across nasty eithier. i would find it easier to be friendly w/the dads fam as opposed to having animosity but i know they really used me and are more into themselves.they havent made any effort really to talk to my son after i stopped having my son call them. its very hard to have children w/people u dint love when you are young! my partner thinks b/c of my guilt i can be a bad parent at times.its very hard as i have made many mistakes having babe @ 19 yrs.

Answer 1

I totally understand. I had my son when I was 19 and she was 18. As it turns out she left me and my son when he was 4. She had found someone else and we didn't matter to her. I took it pretty hard but had no choice but to move on. It's been about 4 years now since she left. I've been there for my son as best as I can. I think I've done a decent job so far but I have thank my parents for their help and support. Without them I would have probably just collapsed on myself.

Now since she's been gone, she has not been a parenting figure in my son's life at all. She leaves out of the state as she pleases and comes back into his life when she wants. Of course to me, I don't like it at all. But I really don't have a choice. Even though he's 8 now, and I think he's starting to understand certain things, she can't just get up and leave when she wants and then come back into his life. The only reason why I don't make it a big deal is because he still loves her. Which is fine because that is his mother. But he doesn't understand the part that she's never been there for him or that she only shows up when it's convenient for her. From the day she left us till today, she hasn't paid a dime for child support and I haven't taken her to court or through any type of drama because to me, I don't care for her money. All I know is she messed up. I don't need her money regardless if I'm supposed to have it or not. I don't make a ton of money but I make enough to food on the table and still enjoy life with him.

So in my opinion, if his dad still wants to be a part of his childs life, he has to make an effort. If you don't see any type of effort then just let him be forgotten. Parents like us are hard to find and unfortunately society is never on our side. So we have to be strong for our child being both parents. If my ex was to move far away and disappear from his life, then I wouldn't do anything about it. That is a path that she chose and eventually my son will come to understand it. We've made it this far without her, it wouldn't be a big change.

Hope this helped you somewhat. I might have just rambled on about a bunch of nonsense, but I just want you to see, that you are not the only one in this world going through it. Be strong and everything will work out for the best. Good Luck!

Answer 2

When kids don't know what's going on, they fill in the gaps themselves and they do that by making up bad stuff about themselves. I'm serious. If a father suddenly stops calling for his son, his son is automatically going to start thinking that he is a hopeless little boy whom no-one cares for. You have to create a version of the truth which will leave no gaps for your child to fill in. You have to make a real and honest effort to have your son's father be a part of his world. The way they treat you is not important. What matters is that your son knows his father loves him and wants to have a relationship with him.
Tell your son as often as you can that the separation is not his fault, that both his parents love him, and that he is a wonderful child. Don't ever lie to him, but don't give him more information than he needs. You can be honest about your ex without being nasty. Your son is the only one who will be hurt if you are nasty about his father, and he will remember what you have said. YOu have to put your own feelings aside, and remember that this is a helpless child who did not ask to be here, and who did not ask for this separation of his parents. Put him first now, and you won't regret it.
Get a copy of Dr. Phil's Family First and put its principles into practice. It's one method to having the happy child you want. Make the effort, and good luck.

Answer 3

You may not want to hear this but your partner has no say so in how you handle your son and what is in or isn't in his best interest. Please don't start making more mistakes in the life of your child by allowing someone you are dating or living with to dictate how you handle your son. There is nothing wrong with being cordial with the family of the father to your son. Do everything you can to encourage a relationship with that family. If they do not want one that so be it. It is your job as a mother to make sure that your son is in an evironment that is heathly and safe. You have another issue on your hand. Do not allow a man that you live with or you are dating or even if you plan to marry to take over your son's life or the place of your son's father. You are the mother and what you say goes end of subject. You will know in your heart of heart of this family is looking after the best interest of your child. Remember what I said safety and healthy is what comes first for this little boy. Anything that doesn't adhere to that has to go.

Answer 4

Your partner seems to be tearing apart your family... You should do what is right by your son... He will be in your life FOREVER... Your partner may or may not be. He needs to respect your parenting choices and support you. Don't say nasty things about your ex or your ex's family. It is better for your child to know that you are not close to them, but that you don't have any animosity for them. I think you should contact the family one more time instead of cutting them out and explain that you would like for them to make an effort at the relationship for your son's sake. If they chose not to, then at least you tried and you can continue to speak kindly about them when your son asks. There will come a time when your son decides on his own that he wants to do something about that relationship and you need to pave the way... He is your number one priority. Your partner can't decide whether you are a good parent or not. Only you and your son can decide that.

Answer 5

i think if it was or is important to the family to have a relationship with ur child they would make more of an effort to talk to him or whatever. but since or if thats not happening then i think ur son would be better off without them..but being honest with him and telling him why is also something that should be done. he needs to know whats going on in this whole process i mean after all he is an innocent one in all this. just be as detailed as possible and just let him know things didnt really work out the way u wanted them to.

Answer 6

Your current partner seems to be the biggest problem when it comes to you dealing with your own feelings... You seem to want to keep that contact open for your son to his grand parents and fathers side of the family... and this is right and good... you can't depend on them to keep the relationship alive... You should not have stopped your son from calling them either... It's your responsibility to do as much as you can to keep those ties for your son... whether they work or not... at least you and your son will know you tried... In your heart you know it's the right thing to do...

Answer 7

I'm in the school of thought that says people should make the effort to see their loved ones. In my situation, my daughter's mother decided that she didn't want to be in our happy little family, so she left me and our daughter. She rarely makes an effort to see our daughter. I refuse to call her and ask if she wants to see her daughter. I will not stop them from seeing each other. In fact, I wish they could spend more time together. But, if my Ex doesn't make any effort to see her kid, she doesn't get to see her. She now realizes this and she calles me a week ahead of time, when she wants to spend time with her daughter. It works great.

Regardless of what your Ex's parents think of you, they need to make an effort to call your son. If they don't, then they don't really care about your son.

Also, there is no reason to tell you son any of this. Eventually he'll wonder why his Dad wasn't around. But, if you start telling him anything bad about his Dad, he will grow up to resent you for that. Let him figure out his Dad on his own.

Answer 8

my mom and dad were not togeather for 18 years of my life. when I turned 19 I made the desision to contact my dad. My mom used to tell me that he beat her up, and that just made me feel like I was part of an abusive situation. I suggest you just tell your son that things did not work out and that when he is 18 he can meet his dad, or dads family. Do not give your opinion or what really happened until the kid is older. Like 18. But sure. Let them come to you as far as visitation. If they want to see your son then great, but you can't force it on anyone. Concentrate on your family. Your current partner needs to kinda stay out of it. But he is just trying to protect the both of you. But tell him that he is also not allowed to talk about the othert dad. Just let it go until your son wants to know. Then your son had the right to know everything about his dad.

Answer 9

I am in the same boot now. My baby father is hfas and shtting. I don't want him to stop contact with his daughter, but i not bending over backward to make contact either. He come home and visit his other children but never the one that we share. I will never talk down about her daddy but I tell her that he is a busy man and I guess whenever he has time he will come by to see you. I never tell her when he is home, so I won't hurt he feeling,but when he does come by he know that he can come and see her. If he want he can take her out, but never spent the night.
I have been doing thing that way for 8 years now. And she see that mama isn't the problem is daddy. Try to keep ya mind open, I know that it is going to kill you, but remember your child is watching everything even if they are doing something else. They will make up their own mind about you and dad. Your son will jump on dad about the times he wasn't there when he is older. And of course dad is going to try and blame it on you, that why I say keep and opened mind. When its like you don't mind them going they don't want them but when you say they can't that is when they want them. i don't know why its like that. Try to keep alil bit of communication open even if it going to hurt you , just for the child. Show that you are the better man,(woman)!

Answer 10

look. you can't make your "in-laws" pay attention to your son. it's not gonna work. you will always be the bad person to them. you never mentioned what is your ex's take on this so it must not be good.
however, your partner is right. you can't always be the one to make the effort. you are responsible for you and your son. not them. if they do make an effort, let them participate. make it their choice. when your son makes the choice to call them, let him.
and your partner may be right about you acting on guilt for your son because of your past mistakes. i myself do the same thing and my husband points these out to me. because yes i do spoil my kids all the time out of guilt. but it's a learning process. and my husband doesn't say this to make me feel bad. he makes mention so my kids don't think to take advantage. And my ex was abusive as well. because my kids were witness to this, there is no need to explain what happened. so my oldest knows why. but you don't have to explain. all your son needs to know is that it didn't work out as planned.