My son is losing it need advice?? Very Serious)?

Question

My son will be 21soon. He totaled out his 1992 Truck, thank God he is alive and that is all great . I co-signed for his new 2005 PT Cruiser and he made 6 payments and then defaulted and naturally I got stuck with the payments and just couldn't handle paying for three New cars on my income. So I sold it. I told him I would give him my 2006 Mazda Tribute if he gets a job and keeps a job. Now he has a girlfriend that neither works or has a car. I never give up the Ship, but damn, what in Hell goes on in the mind of a teenager? I'm really fed up at this point. He hasn't even been home for three days, no calls damn he could be dead in ditch somewhere God Forbid...any advice from other parents with similar adolescent problems? I also suggested once he join the Airforce like I did when I was his age, but he doesn't want to do that so I'm out suggestions.

One more thing I forgot to add.. I LOVE MY SON WITH ALL MY HEART.

I have a pic of my Son holding his guitar I bought him on his 16th Birthday in my blog pics.

Answer 1

Of course you love him! And he knows this, which is good. But he also knows that you will save him no matter how stupid he behaves, which is not good.

You need to stop saving him or you're just prolonging his failure for when you're not around to to be his safety net. Your son totaled one car, defaulted on another, and you're really talking about buying him another car (a brand new car at that). Your child is just plain spoiled and it's you that's to blame. Don't let your love ruin your child. Use your love to make him stronger. He eventually has to survive without you. Don't be afraid to say "NO" or "PAY A LITTLE OF THE MORTGAGE" since clearly he thinks life is free. He will pout, ***** and complain... but he will also become more responsible and independent if you stick to your guns. Of course his girlfriend has no car or job, what good woman do you think will want your son if he is not doing anything for himself, still lives with his parents, and does not have a car??? Are you getting any of this? I'm sure your son is sweet and nice and kind, but he needs to learn to be strong and sensible, and independent. He'll never learn that unless you get tough.

Give him some bills to pay and let him know if he doesn't get a job and consistently do his share, he will have to find his own place. This is a life skill he needs to at least be learning at his age. You can even secretly put the money into a savings account for him rather than actually pay the bills with it (since you don't seem to be struggling). But you need to be firm and strict (late fees and all) just like the bank or a landlord would be if YOU (oops! couldn't pay your mortgage/rent this month).

DO NOT co-sign on another car under any circumstances. If he really needs a car let him know that you will go half on a used car when he has saved his money to pay the other half OR if he wants a new car and is able to lease or get an auto loan (without you!), you will match whatever he pays for a downpayment to help him out. Help him out with transportation until he can do this either with rides to work or reminding him there is this little thing called public transportation for people who like to crash cars and not pay their car notes.

Just don't be an enabler by allowing him continue to do nothing and live more comfortably than people out there struggling to do well. I'm not saying jump ship or cut your child off, just don't let your love be a crutch. Because the whole point of parenthood is to teach your child how to be a successful adult so in your old age you can watch them build a good life for themselves and the family that they create and be happy and feel good that when you die your child will be okay. That's love!

Answer 2

STOP ENABLING HIM AND LET HIM GROW UP!

He'll NEVER become a responsible adult if you keep handing him anything he wants/needs on a silver platter. 2005 & 2006 vehicles for a person who totaled out his first truck? Forget it! Get him an old station wagon or something that will simply get him from point A to point B if you're so inclined to provide transportation for him, and if he's not happy with it, let him get something for himself.

And as to not coming home: next time you see him, tactfully suggest since he obviously has someplace else to stay, that he box up the stuff in his room to put in storage so you can use it for a den, sewing room or spare bedroom. He might wake up if you start out by putting a few empty boxes on his bed or even start packing a couple with clothes, etc. Good luck!

Answer 3

let go
don't 'rescue' him let him make his own mistakes and live with the consequences
he hasn't been home...put his stuff on the porch...been through though mine was younger than 20....wouldn't stay in school among other things...he got his life sorted out real fast when I moved across the country(I m not saying you need to do that or would do that, but, you need to let go....if you don't give him a push(i know it's hard and hurts) he'll still be on your couch in 5 or 10 years(and where Will you be, mentally?) I think it's better to do this, let him know that you love him and want him to be happy in life but you have to stop being a doormat.
I really wish that things would go back to how they were years ago when you were expected to be an adult by 15 or 16. I think we are really fouling things up by babying people who are already grown up

Answer 4

I have a younger brother (he is now 33). My mom used to come to his rescue by paying his credit card bills (most over the limit), paying for totaled cars, paying off bad checks (the highest $5,000), giving him gas money, washing his clothes, even paying his childcare fees for his young son (the mother of the child thought my brother was the one paying!), and much more. She was his savior. Well, my mom passed 6 years ago and ever since then my brother lives back and forth between women, his credit is shot, his life is unstable and he can't keep an apt. and pay his bills. He still wrecks cars and is irresponsible! You know what? He now says he wished Ma did not do everything for him. He knows it. When he thinks I am babying my boys too much, he always steps in and reminds me of what happened to him and tells me he doesn't want his nephews like him. The bottom line is that your son is a grown a ss man! He needs to learn to support himself so he can one day take care of a family. Stop doing everything for him. Your love is overbearing and not allowing him to grow and be a man. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Your first sentence says it all "My son will be 21soon". He's no longer a teenager. You keep treating like one. You no longer have an obligation to him. Your job is done.

If I were you, I'd give him an ultimatum, "Get a job, pay rent, or move out." Tell him you love him, you care for him, but your job is done. He is no longer a minor.

You can help him get a job, find a place. You can show him how to save for a car. Your position, now, should be that of an adviser, and mentor.

Remember, love does not mean you have to play the sap.

Answer 6

He's not a teenager, and he's not an adolescent. He's twenty years old and it sounds like he is spoiled. It's time for him to let go of the apron strings and work for what he gets. Don't sign for things for him, because he obviously cannot be trusted to keep up with payments. Don't give him a vehicle, because he obviously cannot be trusted to drive it carefully. Tell him that if he is not working or going to school within one month, he will have to move out, and stand by that. At some point, you have to let him go and get your life back, and that means letting go of the stress and anxiety he causes you too.

Answer 7

If you love him with all your heart, try some tough love on him. Don't pay for every thing for him. He isn't an adolescent any longer either. Put down some rules. Give him a certain amount of time to pack his bags and get out. Or make him pay a certain amount a month. Whatever you decide to do, you have to stick with it and not bend at all. From what I'm reading here, you've been way too easy on him. My parents did that with my brother...he's now 30 and still living at home, trying to get out of bankruptcy...and my mother is still paying for several thousand in legal fees for which she took out a loan which my dad is not aware of.

Answer 8

I hope that you hear from your son soon and that all is well.

It's time for sonny boy to grow up. You sound like a caring parent but he is taking advantage of you and you're not doing him any favors.

Sometimes we have to let our kids fall flat on their faces to get their attention.

When he gets home sit him down and lay down some rules. It's your home and you provide the guidelines for what is allowed and not allowed. Stick to your guns!! It'll be tough but you can do it. If he has money to be gone for three days, he can start saving that money for his own place. His new girlfriend can get a job and they can split the costs. Set a time limit for when he has to be out. If he can be gone for three days then he has friends that can put him up if necessary. You aren't making him homeless...he is!

You really will be doing him a favor. Best of luck to you both.

Answer 9

You and I have much in common. Mine is now 22 and still at home. Unfortunately, our love consumes us and our hearts decide. We should NOT be enabling them to continue this way. We should be helping them get out of the nest.

Try reading a book called "Parenting Teens With Love and Logic" it is co-authored by Jim Faye and Foster Kline. They are wonderful and give all kinds of hints and tips.

We have to stop protecting our children from themselves because we end up crippling them from being able to take care of themselves. If we always clean up their messes, they never learn how to do for themselves. IT IS THE HARDEST THING TO DO, BUT YOU WILL BE HAPPIER AND, IN THE LONG RUN, SO WILL YOUR SON.

Answer 10

i think you have to let him go and show him what tough love really means i know they always seems like baby to us but at 20 year old his a man not a boy so you need to start treating him like that and be a little more tough with him i really hope you can work everything out and the best of luck for you and your son take care