I have a very aggressive two year old does anyone have any ideas?

Question

My two year old is very aggressive at home, she will bite, hit, pinch, etc. My husband and I have talked with her day care teacher and she doesn't do that kind of stuff there. We make a point to put her in time out now thinking she was hitting because we spanked her. She can be the most loving child with kisses and hugs for everyone then turn around and go after you like an wild animal for no reason with no warrning. I'm not sure what to do to control her, I feel as if we have tried everything. Please help!

She is doing all of this when we are haveing family play time. (every evening until time for super after super bath times and bed times start.) It will be going fine the out of no where it starts, and she will be laughing the whole time.

She has been signing since she was 6 mo. (thats when she first started really reponding to it) Everything in my house is very routine. If my husband and I have something to talk about, we do it outside or in the bedroom while she is asleep or having play time by her self. (in between bath and bed) We try to make a point not to do it infront of her, but it has happened.

Answer 1

Give lots of love and stay as calm as you can. As someone else has said - explain with words but don't expect her to understand all the content. She will, however, understand the tone.

Her reactions may be day-care related even though she does not behave this way at day care. Although I never had to put my children into day-care, I did find that both children I have put into kindergarten (at age 4 here) reacted with violence. Both children took some time to adjust to their new surroundings, both went through biting etc even though they had never showed any sign of physical aggression previously. I asked the teacher and they were model children while in her care, were well liked etc.
Some wise soul told me to stay calm, it will pass - they have expended so much energy being good at day care/kindy that they need to let it out. They trust mum and dad, feel secure at home and know that they won't be rejected if they let go of some pent up feelings.
I was luckier in that at 4 my children understood more of the words used to change the behaviour - you may have more trouble with a two year old.
I think distraction works better for a two year old than either time out or spanking. Explain that you don't like the behaviour, that it is not acceptable and then ask them if they need a big hug and then move on, change the subject, their focus etc etc. Be consistent and make sure that all incidences are dealt with. Try (as hard as this can be) not to raise your voice at them, just change the tone to strict/ disapproving. Keep angry raised voices in your house to the absolute minimum - behaviour changes remarkably when they don't witness anger from people they love.
Good luck!

Answer 2

Put her on her bed, explain to her why hitting is wrong and she can get up after she apologizes. Ask her what she can do instead of hitting. Explain that using words is better than hitting because then you know why she is mad and how to fix what is wrong. Generally it makes children feel as if they are in control of the issue if they come up with the answer. Instead of hitting they can "ask Mommy for help" or "have Daddy share with me." This really helped my daughter when she was having aggression issues after her father passed away. At two years old they are right on the line between being helpless and using words and it can all be very overwhelming for them. A little time and some positive reinforcement really helps.

Answer 3

I'm wondering how consistent you are with your punishments/consequences. Personally, I don't buy that if you spank your kids, they learn to be aggressive. I am from a country where parents spank their kids & teachers paddle students and let me tell you. I don't know one person who dares to hit their parents or their teacher, and we don't have all this school violence. Proper spanking (not in anger or excessively hard) given with an explanation of why the child is getting spanked can be quite healthy. The academics are in fantasy world on this topic and when one of their unspanked students comes to school to shoot them for giving a detention, THEN maybe they'll wake up... if they can. Don't let it be your child. Establish discipline and respect. Not all children need spankings to get it, but some do so as parents you need to do what you need to do to produce an adult that will contribute positively to their family and society.

SO back on topic. Whatever discipline method you choose, be consistent and give the consequence EVERY SINGLE TIME. If you give it sometimes, but not others, you might as well not give it at all. That on and off pattern of feedback just leaves the child trying harder (acting out more) to get you to give in like you sometimes do, so the behaviors actually get worse. If the child knows EVERY SINGLE TIME she does something unacceptable, she goes to time out or gets a spank on the hand she will stop that behavior because it's a guarantee she will get punishment. People give up playing the numbers game as soon as they realize they will never win, but win just one time and they'll try 100 more times just hoping!

SO, If you have other adults in the house you have to have everyone on the same page or it won't work. Especially since your child already knows where she can and cannot get away with things. She will play daddy against mommy given the chance. Kids survive because they know how to manipulate us adults so well with their cuteness and "innocence". Remember they have been getting you to do what they want since before they could say mama and dada, by age 2 they're professionals =)

Put your game face on, and establish healthy levels or respect and restraint in your child now or she will be totally out of control later and you don't want that.

Answer 4

The fact that she is doing it at home and not at school should turn on a light in your head.
Trying to reason with a 2 year old is a waste of time and spanking only teaches her to hit back.....
Are you two united in your rearing habits, or are you on opposite sides of the field...
If she needs one on one give her your undivided time and also teach her play on her own when you have other things to do..
It sounds like she is head srong but she has learned the bad behaviour and it continues because she can get your attention that way.You can change it if you are firm and stick to your
guns...reward her for good behaviour and don't try to reason with her when she is bad .. just give the time out and tell her why... don't ramble on, let her be.....she stopped listening to you long ago...
so it might take some time...

Answer 5

I think that your child may be frustrated by not being able to communicate what she wants have you tried maybe taking a sign language class for toddlers? It works well with my 1 year old son. Also maybe you might want to discuss ADD with your pediatrician. It could be a chemical imbalance. The temper tantrums are normal but the hitting and biteing is not good. I wish you the best of luck hon. This will only get worse if you dont address it now.

Answer 6

If she doesn't do it at school, then it is something you are doing. Somehow you are rewardeing her for her bad behavior. When she is throwing a fit, she has your attention right?? Maybe she is just trying to get your attention. Try setting back some time just for you and her. Be consistent in your disclipline. If you are only discliplining when you are irritated and you let her get by with more when you are in a good mood, that can create problems. Do it all the time. I'm sure she'll get better with a special time set back for you and her everyday and with ocnsistent disclipline, but if not, remove everything from her room. Nothing but her bed. Then, tell her she can earn her things back by being good. Also, really praise her when she is being good! That helps a lot too! Good luck!

Answer 7

I recently saw a documentary on Rage. And rage occurs most at your daughters age. The thing is to teach her how to house it and to carry on. She is having some definite feelings. She needs to speak them and not strike them. You can definitely model this for her. Do more speaking with her than striking. Give her words when she is frustrated.

Not being allowed to participate when misbehaving soon teaches a child that when I do this behavior then I don't get to have fun with everyone else. Fair is fair. So keep the rules clean and reasonable.

Teaching a child to communicate feelings and a child having the knowledge when to take a break and count to three and then re-enter the situation are skills she will use for a lifetime.

Answer 8

If she is not doing that at school, but she's doing that at home, it probably means she is trying to get your attention. Children will scream and yell and cry because they feel like their parents are not listening to them. If she starts doing that again, try to get her to draw out her feelings on a piece of paper or a big poster board, ask her to draw a picture of how she's feeling and why she's feeling that way. That way, it will calm her down, and it will also show you why she's acting out like that.

The problem might also be from the home...for example, do you and your husband argue about things in her presence? Does your husband yell a lot? She might be getting mixed messages on how to express her feelings at home. I would also consult a child psychologist and see if she can help.

Answer 9

Try to find out if there is some kind of pattern to her behavior;
Does she do it after being told "no"?
After eating a lot of sugar?
When she's missed or late for her nap?
After playing with a certain child?
After you've "turned a blind eye"?
A change in her daily routine?
If you can find the pattern then you can adjust your behavior accordingly, if regular discipline isn't working.

Answer 10

Check out Dr. Sears, The Discipline Book. We've found great advice there on gentle discipline techniques for toddlers and explanations as to why they behave the way they do (what's developmentally appropriate, what isn't, and how to handle both cases).