Hi I need some really funny and really good jokes. It is hard to make my husband laugh. I even told him a few blonde jokes and others from here and he didnt find them funny. So can anyone help me. I will read everyones joke to my husband and the first one that makes him laugh gets 10 points. Unfortunately I wont get to pick my best answer until Saturday. So, Please help me. Any joke will be fine. Just make sure it is funny and really good.
2006-10-05 04:33:05 · 14 answers · asked by Katherine S 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
you go up to someone and tell them to say "fork" 20 times then you ask them what you eat soup with and the answer is a spoon but they might say fork because they have said it so many times........
here another..
you go up to someone and tell them to say "milk" 20 times and then you ask them what cows drink and the answer is water but they might say milk because they have said it so many times.....
2006-10-05 04:38:31 · answer #1 · answered by steer_showen_chik 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
http://www.amazingjokes.com
this site has all sorts of jokes, and they are categorized.
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialised?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you
2006-10-05 12:36:18 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for
a $2 item that she doesn't want. 2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife. 3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him
a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try
to understand her at all.5. Married men live longer than single men, but, married men are a lot
more willing to die.6. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two
people remembering the same thing.7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women some-
how deteriorate during the night. 8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does. 9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument
2006-10-05 12:11:34 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on christmas lights?
If dracula has no reflection, how come he always had such a straight perting in his hair?
Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?
If Jimmy cracks corn and noone cares, why is there a song about him?
why do drugstores make the sick walk all teh way to the back of teh store to get their prescriptions wjile healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice"?
Why are softballs hard?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
2006-10-05 11:36:29 · answer #4 · answered by Dont call me retarded 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
THE SWALLOW: A STORY WITH A MORAL.
The young swallow was having such a wonderful time that he completely forgot that he was supposed to fly south for the winter. He was out from dawn to dusk chasing other young female swallows and in all, he was having a fantastic time. However, as I said, he had forgotten something. As October arrived and the weather worsened, he suddenly remembered and made a mad dash for the South coast. It was too late. Snow and ice began to form on his wings, he lost height, his strength was gone, he was knackered and began to fall from the sky. He landed in a field where as he lay, he realised he was dying. However, a passing cow, which in fact did not see him in the grass, shat all over him. The swallow was too cold to be disgusted but as he lay there in the mess, he realised that he was getting warmer. He realised that he was not going to die so he began to sing. He sang like he had never sung before - at the top of his voice in fact. The singing was so loud that a passing tomcat heard him. He cleared off the sh*it, killed the swallow and ate him. The Moral of the story is: It is not necessarily your worst enemy who puts you in the sh*it and it is not necessarily your best friend who gets you out of the sh*it. However, when you are in the sh*it, keep your bloody mouth shut.
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2006-10-05 11:41:14 · answer #5 · answered by thomasrobinsonantonio 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The other evening, my wife was cooking something when she came out of the kitchen and asked me, "Do I smell like olive oil?".
So I asked her, "Do I smell like Popeye?".
We got married by a judge. Now I think maybe I should have asked for a jury.
2006-10-05 11:39:13 · answer #6 · answered by GreenHornet 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A girl goes on a first date with this fellow and he takes her to a carnival.He asks her "what do you want to do"? and she says "I want to get weighed", so they go to the guesser and he guesses 120 and she weighs 117 so he gets his dollar back. some time passes and he asks her again "What do you want to do"? and she says "I want to get weighed" So he takes her back to the guesser who guesses right this time so he loses his dollar. They get a bite to eat and then he asks her "what do you want to Do"? and she says "I want to get weighed". By this time he is thinking she is really weird and decides to end the date and take her home. They shake hands and he drops her off. Her roommate Laura is up and asks " how did it Go"? and she replies "Oh Waura, it was wousy!
2006-10-06 17:30:45 · answer #7 · answered by Silva 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A couple had their first child and they wanted to name it special so they found a foreign name "Discom" and the little baby became little Discom.
Then they had a second baby and they said they wanted a normal name this time so they named him plain "Bob." Little Bob was a happy child.
For their third and last baby they really wanted something special and they thought and thought until finally they thought up a very special rarely used name "Ulated".
2006-10-05 14:30:08 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
The only really funny one I know is one my friend told me:
U and 3 of your friends die and go to heaven. The only rule is not to step on the fluffy pink bunnies!
So one day 1 of your friends is makin out with a really ugly guy. You ask her y and she says, 'I stepped on a fluffy pink bunny'
A few days later your other friend is makin out with a really ugly guy. u ask her y and she say, 'i stepped on a fluffy pink bunny'
A few days later your friends see you makin out with a really hot guy and they asked you 'WOW! how did you get a really hot guy?' and the guy says, 'I stepped on a fluffy pink bunny.'
2006-10-05 11:42:14 · answer #9 · answered by zammivox 2 · 3⤊ 0⤋
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm
a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he
asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will
you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring
hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep
in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."
--------------------------------
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES
He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
2006-10-05 11:40:09 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋