Why is it hurting so much Divorcing a man that was severely abusive for almost 24 years?

Question

After 24 years married to a severly abusive man I'm finally filing for divorce. But the 2 teens I have left in the house with me, he has them convinced because I have & have had Bi-Polar Disorder for over 25 years I would not take care of them. He made them feel quilty because I kicked him out. Now they both are telling me they hate me specially my daughter. Because I go to college and I have friends calling me to check on me she accusses me of messing around on her dad and has called me some very awful things. My Bi-Polar has been stable for many years since I got on the right meds. Now they both said their moving out to live with their father because they feel sorry for him. Now I've become so sad and depressed I'm thinking twice. I'd rather get a black eye or worse than loose my babies. Please someone tell me what have I done wrong except trying to grow back into a normal person again, but is it worth it at the cost of loosing my children to such a man.PS no money for lawyer tofight

Answer 1

if the children are in no danger let them stay with him for the minute,,you need time to adjust to your new life,,of course you feel reluctant and scared,,what has been is now not and this is not your fault,,you are right to move on from an abusive relationship and the kids feel like they have to choose,,they are just choosing the person who they feel is coming out of the marriage worse off,,this will not last forever and only time can help them understand,,avoid putting their father down and try to look to the future,,yours starts now..after 24 years you are bound to wonder what the hell you think you are doing but why not,,why should you stay,,did your vows say to love obey and be humiliated and abused,,i doubt it.......the kids WILL come around,,it wont be today or tomorrow but they will,their ages dictate their thinking at this point but do not let this stop you,,you are a role model for them both and even though they dont understand at present,,they will. stick to your guns,,make those new friends,,they are the ones that can teach you all about you,,not you the wife,,go out,have a life even if your kids still think you shouldnt,,we all know it wont be easy but if you do return or do as others want you to you will regret not taking that chance,,you get one life and your kids wont live at home forever and you may never get this chance again. hold your head up,take their crap and just let them know your love for them hasnt changed and you are sad they feel as they do but you have your reasons.

Answer 2

Your question is so simple even though he was abusive you still loved him for what ever reasons . This is not a bad thing we are only human and it is natural to love some one who abuses us this is apart of life and if you now like I now baby life should be taken as a lesson and a blessin. So don't hold harsh feelings towards him become right with yourself love yourself again that is were your going wrong you have become depressed but don't life goes on take this experience and make the best out of it . Get back to you and your babies because if your not able to be there for yourself how are you going to be there for your babies remember they need you more than anything not to say the children don't need there father because they do but that should be the most important priority in your life LOVE YOU FIRST and take this time and do you mamma GOD put you in this situation because he knows you can handle this so be strong and believe that god will make a way because he will , no need to worry about a lawyer if you are ment to have your babies the lord will make that happen except him as your lord and live life to the fullest and make sure that while you doing this get you together so when you see your ex again you be lookin so dam good that he has no other choice but to remember why he married you in the first place make his mouth drop mamma .It's not going to be easy but tell the devil he a lie and you and yo lord got this under control and say it out loud so the advisary satin now that you mean it love and mean it .GOOD LUCK MAMMA HE WILL PROVIDE JUST TRUST IN HIM REMEMBER YOUR ONLY HERE BECAUSE OF HIM KISSES.

Answer 3

First of all,you have taken a huge wonderful "first" step in the right direction. "You" know how staying with this man made you feel, right? And no one has the right to tell you how you feel, but you! It takes a lot to make hard decisions that you know ahead of time will effect more than just yourself, but is the "right" decision.It doesn't matter if it's your children, friends, or a relative, they haven't the right to make you feel bad, for "wanting" & "needing" to feel good about YOU. By going back to him, won't you be throwing "your" decisions & "your" life that you so deserve, away? You are on a positive road now, keep walking. It's time you did something for you. As for not being able to afford an attorney, you can still win this just by being honest. Write everything down & hand it to the judge. If what you say is the truth, you will
get through this just fine. And remember, by seeing this through to the end, "whatever" the outcome, your children will respect you more than if you turn back & give up.
Good luck & God bless. I'm proud of you.

Answer 4

Only thing I can tell you is if you LOVE then set them FREE.....You have to think of your health and well being and put yourself 1st in this abusive equation. You must think of you right now because you are BI-POLAR and episodes can happen when STRESS is equated into your mental health and daily life. You're setting yourself up for a trigger bi-polar episode...so keep your life and life situations to the least amount of stress as possible.

Let your children move out....it will only be a matter of time before the abuser shows his true colors. Children want to believe what they want....sometimes the truth is rosey colored and it doesn't take long before they'll Wake up and Smell the roses and they will STINK like an outhouse!

Get your divorce. don't use $$$$ as an excuse. Borrow the money, max out credit cards, do what ever it takes to rid yourself of your louse of a spouse! Excuses are for the weak minded...Be strong and do something positive in your life for once!

Answer 5

Oh sweetie.. you ARE doing the right thing... no person has the right to abuse you in any way.. you are infinitely worth more than that... your children will respect you one day when they find out for themselves how cruel their father can be.. at the moment they are confused and don't know right from wrong...

keep strong and get involved in some groups which help in this situation.. i am sure there will be some supportive groups for domestic violence situations in your area.. look them up in the phone book or phone a womens centre for more info..

good luck sweet and keep strong.. you are doing what's right for you.. without you those kids would have an even harder time.. they just don't realise it yet.. they will though.. trust me..

Answer 6

Divorce hurts no matter the situation. It's the death of dreams and hopes. I wish you got out a lot sooner but it doesn't matter now. A lot of times in a divorce someone tries to turn the kids against the other parents. Your ex is a really imature *** for doing that. Neither parent should bad mouth the other for the sake of the kids. He just wants to hurt you for leaving. Don't go back to him, don't let yourself be abused. Your kids are young, they may be angry now, but in time they will come around. They don't understand and they won't hold a grudge forever. One day they will see the truth. Let them live with their father for a while since they want. If you try to force them to live with you and they don't want to then trust me they will just be more angry with you and it will cause more problems. Write them both a letter and explain you were abused and unhappy and must get out for your health and happiness and you love them and when they are ready they can come to you. Ask them not to judge you.

Answer 7

sweetheart, you are grieving for the past life you had and wasted knowing that you gave it all up to be a good mother and wife...trust me..I know ....my kids were a lot younger after I split with their dad fot the very same reasons...I moved 300 miles away to start afresh and had years of being told I was an evil mother who deserved to die, my younger daughter would physically attack me and tell me the reason I was beaten was because I was fat and ugly and deserved it cos her daddy was perfect...the thing is...they then saw exactly what he was really like for thmselves...my daughter is now 14 and is so protective of me now...which chokes me up...as she and her siblings realised it wasn't me at all....children idolise a parent and it takes time to see that parent as a fallible human being...one day he will do something or say something which will completely go against everything he ever did or said before...and bells will start to sound in their heads..just try to focus on finding you...learn to be as happy as you can in this situation and have a rule that YOU will never be nasty about HIM...it may take time, but one day the truth will come out...be well in yourself and look after yourself in every way you can be...let them learn the hard way and be there to pick up the pieces when (not if) the come back to you...I send all my hopes and best wishes to you...god bless

Answer 8

He is still trying to control you and your actions. Since he can't do it directly anymore he is manipulating your kids and using them against you. YOU have done nothing wrong. If that's the choice your kids are making then you have to be supportive of their decision. I think that in time, they'll reevaluate their decision and realize that you left to make a better life for them and for yourself. I suspect that you are still feeling traumatized even though there is no violence in the home. Talk with a trusted friend or even consult a therapist. I am sure that there are therapists out there that will work out some kind of payment plan.

Answer 9

u know, thats a hard situation for ne1 to give advice on, but ill do my best and i hope it helps. i cant really say y it hurts so much to leave an abusive man, but i can say its for the best and that no matter how hard sum situ's might get, theyll never be harder than what u had to put up w. i guess its bc u got use to b-ing w him and u'er settled in a "set" lifestlye. as far as ur children, honey i know it hurts and its gonna hurt, but, theyre grown, and theyre gonna make thier own decsions, all u can do is move on and take care of urself and ur life, and pray that they learn to accept things the way they r for whatever they are, as well as accept u and the way u r. live for urself right now and make urself happy, all the way through, and u'll see e'rything fall n2 place the way its suppose to be. PRAY for strengh and guidence, and he'll give it to u. good luck and w much luv, later

Answer 10

Darlin', you sound like you have your act together. It also sounds like it took time and effort and care to get yourself to where you are now. Continue to be these children's mother's advocate. In other words, dear, continue to do the things that are right for you. Teens cannot be convinced or argued with. I know it feels like you are losing your babies. How I have wished through a fog of exhaustion over the last 8 years to be the parent with visitation.

Help the darlings pack their things and arrange a date when they will move to dad's. Tell them, "Let's make this time we have together good, we only have unitl whenever date."

Then kiss them and hug them and send them and their things to dad's. Take some time to recover. Breathe. Let your nervous system get stable again. Devote time to your schooling. Do spend unmonitored time with your friends. And don't get used to it. It's probably 50/50 that the man can do what you have done.

Note: My step daughter lived with her dad twice in the course of about 2 years once she got into her teens. Then she lived with us just after we combined households. Then she moved back with mom. Which is where she will stay. She'll be 18 in March. Not saying she'll never be here again, but he never switched the child support back and forth, and back and forth. He just paid whether she was with him or not. It was becoming ridiculous and expensive. Last time she went, "Well, I'm going to live with MOM." He said, ok, but stay there.


Do not jump on the yo-yo of mom's, dad's, ;mom's, dad's. Your kids need to be aware of the impact they have on your time in court, emotions, and finances by bouncing back and forth. Explain this to them and let them know what your limits are on bouncing back and forth.
Tell the kiddies that if they go they need to stay put for a good so many months. So make a decision for your own mental and financial health now.

IF the ex can do it, great....then get your visitation for as much as you can. He's playing the child support game. If he files for you to pay support, request the court appoint a "guardian ad litem" for the children. This is no cost to parents and it is the child's voice in court. Another lawyer will speak with your children and then speak for your children in court.

Give them some credit. They were victims of his abuse as much as you were. But they're kids. They'll come through in the end. If you're lucky you may get a window of time where you can bathe without the inevitable knock on the door. Spend some time with the kids that are grown. Encourage them to spend time with the other two. Have family dinners,......you'll have the energy to do things again. Just trust in your boy and girl, they're really good kids and they don't want to hurt you. One day you'll get an apology. Just don't live for it.

Don't argue. With anyone. Respond to what they have to say. Not react. Respond. Take a deep breath and then make your response calmly and with resolve. Respond in a way that gives the person some respect but still states your position on the issue. Then end the conversation. Say, "The end."

Become the person you are becoming. Show them all your love. Try to be at peace with your life now. You have done so well. It will be ok. Somebody omnipotent thinks you deserve a break.