Why do I always fight with my spouse?

Question

We love each other but fight over stupid stuff, only been married 5 months, we are 33 and 39 yrs old, 2 kids from previous relationships. very much in love, but bicker about stuff like dicsipline ( i am stricter) and what the kids eat. a granola bar is not breakfast and cookies are not for dinner! Can't a 4 yr old child dress himself or eat food that isnt cut up into tiny peices? or drink from a sippy cup? my rules are always undermined! She takes him away from me to her mom's house so they spoil him, he comes back acting like a brat! And he expects a happy meal every time we pass mcdonalds! am i being too tough?

Answer 1

There is no marriage without a fight, I have never heard a married couple saying they never fight.

If you don't fight or argue about any little thing then there is something wrong in the marriage LOL

Marriage is like pots and pans in the kitchen, when they come together they make noise, ever heard about pots and pans together and not making noise I think not.

What you said about arguments are normal things between couples, you both are different, raised different, hence your point of view will never match his point of view. The best thing to do is to talk with him and come to a mutual agreement.

A healthy relationship is always build by talking and doing sacrifices, if you can't do a sacrifice then you're selfish, but that does not mean you have to do sacrifices all the time. It should be 50-50.

Hope this helps you, I do like granola bar for breakfast LOL and cookies after dinner sounds good too :)

Answer 2

Counseling for blended familys would be helpful.

Time away from other family member's influence would be helpful.

Sit down, the both of you, and set down some firm rules and begin to maintain some CONSISTANT discipline practices effective immediately. The kids and other elements are going to put so much strain on your marriage, that you may end up splitting, which is BAD for all concerned.

Divorce among re-marrieds runs 60%, first times only 50%, so the odds are more against you succeeding this time. Load up your ammo with all of the equipment you will need to succeed from all of the sources you can find.

If you don't have a Church to bond you spiritually, then your foundation (marriage) will begin to crack; you need spiritual roots to lean on during these tough times. Pray together as a family, things like that. Get help right away!

Answer 3

this may sound silly-but discipline your own kids. he needs to discipline his and you discipline yours even if they are totally different ways. if he has no kids, he needs to step back, and let you discipline or vice verse. this works--i saw it on 20/20.
just a comment bickering leads to more fighting and the kids get stressed. who cares if they are eating a granola bar for breakfast- at least they are eating, you know what, they will get tired of it and stop eating it after a while and eat oatmeal or egg.dress up the breakfast in happy faces or alphabets. make a new family night out.FRIDAYS you all can go out to MC Donald's. but that's all--no fast food during the week, unless of course its an emergency. sit down and make some rules together and family time nights. hope this helps you.

Answer 4

No. It seems she wants to be the "Good" parent and have the child look up to her only.
This is where jealousy comes in. Seems the relationship between the two of you is good but when it comes to kids you both have different views. This is something that should be discussed before children. However, I am not going to give a lecture. Seems you are already being punished.

You need to sit down with her and tell her you want to be a part of that childs actions and life. You want to have the dicipline agreed upon. You and her will have to come to a compromise of some sorts or this child is going to be in the middle of a huge battle and will never know right from wrong. Ask her if she wants this to happen?

As far as the mother in law thats a different story. She is a grandparent and will spoil the child no matter what. This is what they feel the can do. That isn't a bad thing to a point. You need to let her know your objections and your pleas with dicipline.

4 year olds should be able to dress themselves to a point. Yes. Now a days children are learning to be more independent at a younger age. I feel sorry for the situation you are in but worse... I feel sorry for the child in this situation. A child does not need a happy meal each time they pass. You need to stick to that! Stay firm. There are times a child will know right from wrong and will actually mind the parent who is firm. Who will take charge.
Stand your ground with your child and with your wife. Do not let her take your fatherhood away from the child.

My husband and I have a 6 month old. He does not whip his children but I do believe in it. I am sure we will have our battles sometimes on dicipline but I don't think he will try to undermine me or me undermine him.
Good luck to you though.

My husband's ex wife is the same with their child. (It really gets annoying.) If she knows we are going to take her some place she will make sure she does it first. (I was going to get tickets to Hillary Duff... she called and told me she was getting them for me not to bother) This was after I told her what I was going to do. If we tried to dicipline his daughter at the house.. she would let her go home early because his daughter called her.
Its jealousy. You may need to bring up counceling. I am sure she would not agree but you need to let her know this is out of hand and she needs to realize this.

Answer 5

Seek counseling or individual therapy or you won't make it.

Often we "parentify" our children, meaning that we turn them into objects which we attempt to control to please us. So, we put expectations on our children, and when they don't live up to them, or when a spouse relaxes those expectations, we take it personally.

That parentification is a way of establishing a voice and an attempt to fulfill a desire. It comes from the mom, or dad, or both not being able to communicate properly and not being able to make themselves happy and satisfied.

Find out WHY you feel the way you do, and why your spouse feels as she does. You may find that you are both trying for the same things, just differently.

Discuss with your wife how she was raised by her parents, and you by yours. Talk about your respective grandparents. Go back as far as you can. When we look at our parents and how they raised us, we tend to "blame", but when we look back many generations we tend to "understand".

Soon you will be on the way to understanding why you do the things you do and feel as you do, then you can work together. You each need to hear the other.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Just takes time to get to know all the things that you don't like about each other. Maybe some of the same things that happened in past relationships. It is the same things, then check yourself because it is most likely you. Check your own childhood and see what effect your own parents had on you, most time times we go after the ones who give us a home feeling despite if it is a good feeling or not. Newlyweds will struggle for dominance (who is going to wear the pants) and it will take some time. Maybe try to send your kids to summer camp and have some together time to grow your relationship and find out if the kids are what your relationship is based on. Good luck!

Answer 7

My husband and I have a rule. No parent can countermand a rule that the other made. Hopefully in a perfect world we talked about it before hand and made a joint decision. But this isn't a perfect world. So if I say no sweets before dinner. My husband can't go sneaking a cookie to my child. But you have to decide who's rules rule right now because it sounds like you haven't discussed any of this. Seek counseling. Because it doesn't get any easier.

Answer 8

I was raised to eat what was put on the table or not eat at all,period. Now that I am grown there is very little in the way of food that I don't eat and or enjoy.
I can't say much about why you two fight over "stupid" stuff other than it's just immaturity.

Answer 9

Sounds like something really needs to change in both of you so things can be more relaxed. If you love eachother as much as you profess to then accepting eachother the way you are is the first step. Changing this bickering habit won't just happen it will take work, biting your tongue and time to build new communication habits. And lots of comprimise so no one is being walked all over to please the other.

Answer 10

If you want your marriage to work, You are going to have to set down and talk about these issues. And try and find a middle ground. If that doesn't work I would consider family counseling, Issues like these are very comman, when 2 people are trying to raise children from previous marriages, relationships etc..
Good Luck. And don't give up.