Abusive Parents....?

Question

Let's see now..
I grew up with abusive parents.

One incident in particular,
I was a kid, maybe 10 or 11,
and I was in the bathroom naked...

they barged in and beat the hell out of me.

Not only was I in intense pain, I was being humiliated as well.
Until today, I still don't know what I could've done to deserve that.

And this other time, my dad grabbed my head and kept hitting me.... as I was carrying a baby (either my bro or sis, I can't recall).

My mum mellowed earlier than my dad.
He was physically abusive up till I was (suddenly) too big for him
to beat up.
After that, he was emotionally abusive.

That was years ago...
and now, eventhough he has mellowed,
I can't bring myself to love him.

I know if it weren't for him,
I wouldn't have got an education,
and become the man that I am.

And I intend to make sure that at least,
he lives (fairly) comfortably.

Anyway, the question: anybody else here ever been through something like that?

And do you think that it's wrong
that I cannot bring myself to love him?

I just can't.

Answer 1

Been there, done that. My father used to strip me down throw me on the bed and beat me with his belt like an animal. I used to lie in bed at night trying to figure out ways I could kill him with out going to jail.
I sense a feeling of guilt in your commentary. If I'm right, then you're wrong. You can't love someone who, you know in your heart, never loved you, and brought you nothing but pain and heartache. The fact that you survived this hell and grew into a responsible, caring human being is both admirable and a miracle.

Answer 2

I am 57 year old and have been In therapy for 30 something years due to an extremely violent and abusive home. I never bonded with my Mother and the horrors of my childhood, I still have nightmares. But, once I reconnected my spirituality and realized I didn't have control over what happened, I began to accept my pain and failures and struggles.My attitude now is it is what it is. Live life to the fullest and thank God I didn't have to be a satistic. My sister committed suicide and my brother turned out to be a violent criminal. I trust my God and for that reason, my life is fun, exciting filled with friends, love and a desire to reach out and help,

Answer 3

My Mum used to beat us quite regular. She was never verbally abusive. My older sister still flinches when someone raises an arm suddenly.

My Dad never touched us. Dad worked hard and Mum kept us kids in tow, ran the home, the budget, fed us and kept us clean, made sure we went to school and nursed us when we were ill.

I remember lying in bed once crying because I was frightened about how my Dad would cope if my Mum died.

The beatings stopped when we each in turn stood up to her.

When I was 14 my Dad died at the age of 42.

My mum became a wreck, she turned to alcohol but became able to talk so much to us, her relationship problems with my Dad her own upbringing and sexual abuse that she suffered and the list went on...her anger at life and its drudgery.

Mum is still an alcoholic and remains distant I never visit her and rarely call but it is so much easier to remember the happy times than the bad.

Because we really did have some happy times.

and .......I still love her.

Ask your Dad why you got the beating in the bathroom...ask your Dad why he smacked you around the head..clear the air and gather an understanding of what on earth was going on......

What harm can it do.....

You know you can still love your Dad, but you need to know that he loves you.

I am 43 now, I wish for a perfect mother and Grandmother for my kids...but it will never be.

Answer 4

My brother and i was abused growing up, we always seem to get it for one thing or another the slighest little thing would set my dad off. when we got older my father turned most of his anger on my brother . Untill my brother moved out.Than it was all turned on me till i could stay away from the house but than i found out that he was doing it to my younger sisters so if i got home and he had started on them i would step in and let him do it to me so they didnt have to deal with what my brother and i had to deal with from him. The thing that i dot understand is in my mind my dad was always drunk when he did this to us so to me it wasnt him but the alcohol so i dont blame him totally(dont ask me why) the one that i blamed was my mom because she stayed there and watched him do this to us. My brother committed suicide 5 years ago and i know that he never let go of the feelings that he had from that time in our lives. I let the hatred go, im the person i am today because of that time in my life. I dont hit my kids and i have a real relationship with them that i never had with my parents that was my goal to be a better parent than they were, and thats a goal that i achieved. You dont have to love him, but to be the better person and show him that your the better person do for him, maybe you should talk to him and tell him how you feel, it could do wonders for your mental health, you dont want to wonder "what if" if something ever happens.

Answer 5

No, it's not wrong that you don't love your father. How could you after living through that? You are honoring him by making sure that he lives comfortably. That's all you're required to do. Let the rest go, and give yourself a break. You've done a good job.

Answer 6

gosh i feel for you i went thru it with my dad i cannot remember any happy memories as a child i am 39 now all i can remeber is beeing hit all the time put in cola shed in night clothes just becasue a cake had gone missing for example, made to stand on landing every nite he cam home drunk asking us who played up tonight (there was 5 of us kids) 3 of us got it bad, one instant some cherrys yes just cherrys went missing he bolied some water on cooker and was going to make us put hands in it until someone owned up, luckly my bro owned up, i talk to my dad but could not cuddl;e him or kiss him i still shiver if he gets too close he was mentally abusive too calling me fat i ended up with a eating disorder i blame him for, then to top it up i married a abuser was with him 14 years, so i married a person like my dad, i am scared from my dad and my husband so no i dont blame you at all

Answer 7

I have never been through that but he is your father you may not love him but you do care about him since you realize that he made you who you are......maybe you may never feel the way you should about your father or the way you think you should sometimes relationships can't be repaired.

Answer 8

i think that your a hell of guy to still want to take care of him today. That makes you more of a man than he could ever be. That is something to hold your head up for. I'm sorry you had to go thru that. no one should ever have to put up with abuse verbally or physically.

Answer 9

I don't think you're wrong. Even though he's your father, it's kinda hard to love him. You're not wrong at all. You can forgive him if you feel like that, but you're not obliged to love him.