My husband and I found my 15 year old step daughters notes. Her bf is pressuring her in each note to find a way to come over, he has the condoms, etc. Or will she at least "blow" him........ He gives her advise on what to say to us and her mom....etc. We also know from the notes she has been lying to us telling us she had practice and didn't and has been staying afterschool with him. He is a pretty bad kid -- ISS twice this year, etc. I have had suspicisions for a while, buy hubby has been oblivious and wanted to trust his daughter. We don't now how to confront her. Do we disclose or note reading? We have also gotten some info from her myspace. This is against our beliefs and wishes for her.........AHHHHHH! HELP!!
2006-10-04 07:12:35 · 35 answers · asked by Beth M 4 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
My husband is VERY involved. He does take her out. She is with us every other week and recently thought of coming here full time. Her mom is more loose (figuratively and literally). He mom has dated a ton of losers and Sd claims she does not want to repeat mom's life, but that seems where she is headed. I have been in sd's life almost 10 yrs. My hub and I have 2 small children (2 & 4) but we do try to do things to make SD feel important and and just don't know if it works. For those who think 15 is just about right for sex you are crazy. She is not at all emotionally ready. She has always been immature for her age, and easily follows peer pressure.
2006-10-04 07:33:34 · update #1
15 is a VERY hard age for a young girl. The body is screaming woman but the heart and head are still trailing behind. as a step mom you have the advantage of being a support system for her.
The note reading is going to put her on the defensive right from the start, so if you intend to tell her you read them, do it gently. Explain ahead of time that you've been really noticing a difference in her behavior(even if there hasn't been any) and you came across a letter (insert where you found it).Explain how frighten and concerned you are for her. Try not to attack the BF at first because you'll just lose her.She's in teenage love, which is bigger then the moon at such a sensitive age.
Explain that if she is so in love and he is too, they would be ready for babies, std's, and the most likely heart brake if she doesn't give in to him.Hopefully she will see reason.
If not , you will have to be parents. We're not our kids buddies, we're their protectors, their teachers. If you have to, Bring that BF to your home and explain that you know the pressure he's putting on her and if he doesn't lighten up, you'll ban him from her and do what ever it takes to keep them apart. You have to be willing to protect the innocents of our children when their willing to blindly through it away.
So in short ,show the love first, then if necessary, lower the boom.
2006-10-04 07:49:27 · answer #1 · answered by rick and lydia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What a difficult situation you are in. The fact she has lied means you are unable to trust her, so even if you thought she was grown up enough to make the right choices you now know she cannot. Is this something that could be shared with her Mum? Or by the sound of it she would probably pat her on the back!
I do not think you need to disclose that you have read her notes, but now you know where they are you can keep a track on her a little better. remember you are protecting her and for that reason i think it is justified. Could you just say " I know you were not at school late tonight where have you been"? just to start a discussion? 15 is far too young and as you say you know her well after 10 years so you know if she is emotionally ready or not. I suppose a positive is that condoms were mentioned! Maybe if she is going to do this with or without you some sex ed. might be called for, and some advice about keeping safe. Could you ask if she wants her BF to come over, at least that way they are in your home and under your eye, rather than her sneaking off to him. You could even suggest it is a real favor, after you have asked her about what she is really doing after school?! The more on side she is the more you can protect her as the further she lies and is influenced by others the further away she will feel. I hope it works out and ignore some of these silly answers. Good luck. CJay
2006-10-04 08:09:29 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am 18 and Married and just had a miscarriage and a christain, you can confront her all you want and talk to her about it. But these days in age, you really can't talk them out of it. When I was 15 the same thing happened to me but my mother didn't find my notes I talked to her about it, but then again my mom and I are only 17 years apart. You can tell her how bad of a kid her boyfriend is and tell her that you've been reading her notes, but honestly, the best thing to do is get her put on birth control if you think she is having sex. Even if she isn't having sex it will help in some other ways. But look at this way, you'll be protecting her even if she is, it may be against your beliefs and I completely understand that. She probably will be very upset with you both for going through her stuff and well, honestly, she will probably do it just to get back at you guys. So just leave it alone and aproach it a different way. Get her put on birth control.
2006-10-04 07:22:32 · answer #3 · answered by Ashtin W 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
While I agree with you that she is too young to have sex I also realize that she will make her own decession. If you guys could all sit down and talk about sex and put your wishes in the conversation and also give her the option of learning more about birth controll and also about the other consequences of sex (not just the pregnancy and STD problems but also her reputation and emontional factors) it could help all of you. My step mom tried her hardest to keep me and my boyfriend from having sex or just being together when I was a teenager. While I see now that she was probably right in this, I naturally rebeled. If someone had sat down with me in a non-judgemental way and not only "lectured" me on the "waiting until i was married" speach and had better informed me about all the consquences perhaps I would have listened... If not at least I would have protected myself better. It might have kept the "doorways" of communication open between me and my parents so that when I did get in over my head they could help me out. I'm not judging you for looking at her notes but when my parents did that I was so PISSED!!! So be prepared for some anger there. Um... Try not to be so angery with her, try to understand how different things are today. Your main goal should be to keep communication open. If you tell her she can't have sex and can't see her boyfriend she will do both and could possibly get hurt... I feel for your situation, both as the teen and parent, I have no idea how I will handle that situation with my son when he gets that age... Good luck to you and your husband....
2006-10-04 07:56:57 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I wouldn't tell her you found her notes, she will lose all trust in you and will not listen to anything you have to say. She will want to rebel. Let's face it, you can't stop her. Maybe if you, dad, or mom, had've done things differently a few years ago it would be different. All you can do now is talk to her about sex. Others may disagree with me, but I would talk to her about it from a moral point of view. Discuss how having sex before you're really ready can affect you emotionally. Discuss how everytime you sleep with someone, you leave a part of your heart with them, and you have less and less to give when you meet someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Since the boyfriend has been pressuring her so much, remember that that means she's been resisting so far!!
Now's the time to get close with her, start doing more things with her, and dad needs to do this as well!!
15 year old girls often do these things because they feel lonely and unloved and disconnected from their families. And yes, she'll roll her eyes at you, but who cares, get over it, and keep pushing your love on her. Let her know what a incredible young woman she is, and how much she deserves to be treated like that by boys.
2006-10-04 07:35:15 · answer #5 · answered by who-wants-to-know 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First thing I have to mention is that I do not have kids and may not be qualified to offer this advice.
Having said that, inevitably if you confront her with her notes, you will lose her trust. Of course, that's assuming she trusts you now.
Even if she is being pressured by her boyfriend, the decision is ultimately up to her. No matter what you say, if she decides to do it, she will.
If you do not want this for her, then you have to convince her that this isn't what she wants while making it sound like its her idea in the first place. You also have to build up her confidence so that even if her boyfriends breakup with her, she can endure it and not think that they broke up because she didn't want to have sex with him.
Perhaps, you and your husband can have a movie night with your daughter, where the subject matter deals specifically with teenagers having sex and the consequences that follow, and discuss the movie with her in an informal way.
However, if you don't think this will work, then you will have to bite the bullet and discuss the importance of birth control/safe sex, and support her decision. It is very likely that she won't enjoy sex in any case.
2006-10-04 07:29:25 · answer #6 · answered by errant_hero 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, if there is ANY way you can communicate or get these letters to your husbands first wife and have a sit down dinner, you, your husband, and her I would say that is your first step. The three of you discuss this and what you think you need to say and bring out her positive points first. The fact that based on the letters she has held to her morals and said "no" so far.
Also bring to the table, that you need to find a way to open up channels of communication and explain that lieing is the first step for bigger problems, and that you would hope she knows that the only thing you want is her to have a good life.
The second discussion should be all 4 of you if at all possible. Explain that you are proud of her for her strengths and how well she has done at everything you can think of.. Then move on to how you found the letters and apologize the fact you read them, but express your concerns. Also explain to her that you want to treat her like an adult and that you want her to choose the right decisions for herself and you are very proud she has done well so far.
Let her talk back and explain her perspective. Let her say her feelings. Hopefully she will be a mature woman and explain her thoughts. Then come up with a battle plan with her on how to deal with this guy. If she chooses to keep dating him then she has to promise to be honest with you. If she chooses not then be there for her. Love is a powerful feeling and can drive people to do stupid things.
2006-10-04 07:23:32 · answer #7 · answered by pariah6.9you 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It would probably be a good idea to stop reading the notes. Think about it, when you were her age did you want your parents, especially your step mom rooting through your private things. As far as this bad boy in your daughters life. There may be some underlying issues here. Has anyone ever talked to her about sex? She may need positive reinforcement to know that she's beautiful and doesn't need to define who she is by being with a guy. She needs to be happy with herself. She may be looking for attention that she doesn't get from her Dad. Does he tell her how special she is to him, how beautiful she is. Does he take her out on dates and spend time with her? Now, I'm sorry, I'm not trying to accuse here, I'm just going through all of the common things here just to give you an idea of what might be going on. Not trying to say you're a bad step mom or that your husband is a bad dad. Just look some of these things over. Young womens self esteem can be down in the dumps if the father doesn't tell her what's going on. She needs to know that she doesn't need to lay on her back with her legs open to be special to someone. Sorry, I know that sounds crude, but that's exactly what happens today. Girls don't feel special and they think that guys will like them more for putting themselves out there. She needs to save her body and her self for her husband.
That's all I have time for now, I hope that I've been able to help and not offend.
Have a great day
2006-10-04 07:21:56 · answer #8 · answered by ourmusicsmajor 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My religious belief are that sex is completely wrong before marriage. Even if you aren't religious, sex is still wrong before marriage. I am majoring in psychology and planning on getting a PhD to become a marriage councilor. I have taken marriage and family courses and cannot even start to tell you why your daughter having sex it wrong. There are to many reasons. Her having sex now will lead to worst things later (sort of like a gateway drug). The problem is talking to her would be hard. It sounds like she isn't that great of kid. The root of the problems probably started a long time ago. You might be able to fix this problem temporarily, but similar ones will come again. My suggestion would be to reward her for doing good things (like good grades). I would for sure confront your child about this. Make it very clear if she has sex, you will come down hard on her (don't make it sound like a threat, you still want to show that you love your child). She might get mad at you, but that won't matter. That is all I can really say with the info. you gave me. Professional help may be needed if you child continues to act bad in the future (especially if she gets worst).
2006-10-04 07:57:22 · answer #9 · answered by agassi8 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's time for a trip to the sexual health clinic for all of you. This includes you and your husband and your daughter. Sit down with a really great sexual health nurse and talk one one one.. or three on one about healthy sexuality.
About the pressures of peers and sex. Self confidence. And the courage to make the right choices that effect ones future.
Talk about the various birth control methods and pick one that will work for everyone involved and get her started on it. Just because she is on birth control does not give her the green light to go out and take on a foot ball team it is keeping her safe from unplanned pregnancies.
Talk about STDS and how to protect against them. About condom use. About how a condom must be used every single time. If a boy goes without using a condom even once he will never want to use a condom again. And she must protect her own body and advocate for that for herself. And if she can't talk about safe sex with her partner then that person is not someone she should be having sex with because chances are that person is already carrying a disease, the disease of ignorance.
2006-10-04 07:39:04 · answer #10 · answered by lesbianmommy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋