can you put a smile on my face?

Question

i'v written my car off today and i'm in desperate need of a laugh!!
can you help to put a smile on my face?

Answer 1

My brother who lives in Melbourne got the sack from The Eagle Laundry........................He was no good at washing eagles.

Little girl came in from school and said to her mother, I wet myself in school today,. The mother said, why didn't you put your hand up ? I did ,but the pee ran through my fingers.

Answer 2

Well, first of all, sorry about the car. But the great thing about being down, is that there is nowhere to go but up! This should put at least a little grin on your face, it isn't a joke, unless you want it to be *winks*... but it always makes me laugh! Check it out here:
http://b.muglets.com/
Just follow the directions, you will be (at least) grinning in no time!

Answer 3

Hi there I was very sorry to hear about your accident , but as long as you are ok that is the main thing .

I took my dog to the vet today for a check up . The vet picked him up and gave him the once over and said " I am going to have to put him down " I said why whats the matter with him , The vet said " nothing , but he is so heavy " !!

Dont be sad
Bill xx

Answer 4

It may not put a smile on your face - but just think that no-one was seriously injured. After all, the insurance should cover the damage (well maybe the company will try to pay you less than they should - BUT FIGHT THEM). It's only a lump of metal and it could have been MUCH worse.

Hope all goes well with the insurance for you.

Answer 5

TOMMY GOES TO WAR

Tommy Atkins joins the army during the first world war. On his first day of training he joins the line of soldiers collecting their rifles and bayonets. When he reaches the end of the line the CQMS hands him a broom and a feather. Tommy looks at both items and then at the CQMS:

Tommy-"What are these for?"

CQMS- "Don't worry lad, they're your weapons. Weapons for killing!"

Tommy-" ?"

CQMS- "When ever you see the HUN just point this 'ere broom and shout BANGADY BANG. They'll drop like flies"

Tommy-"And the feather?????"

CQMS- "When the HUN are up close and personal like, tie this 'ere feather to the end of your broom and shout STABADY STAB. They'll drop like flies me old son"

A few weeks later and Tommy's in the trenches with his broom and feather. All of a sudden he hears a whistle blow from the German trenches and looks into 'no mans land'. 100 meters away he can see hundreds of Germans rushing towards his position. The other lads open fire with their rifles so Tommy takes aim with his broom and shouts BANGADY BANG. Almost instantly the German soldier he aimed at falls down dead. Tommy continues, BANGADY BANG, BANGADY BANG. More Germans fall. Then they start entering the trench. Tommy ties his feather to his broom and attacks, STABADY STAB, STABADY STAB. Tommy looks on in amzament as the feather does the job.

An hour later and Tommy is alone in the trench surrounded by bodies. In the distance he can see a lone German coming towards him. He uses his broom BANGADY BANG. Nothing happens. He tries again, BANGADY BANG, still nothing happens. As the German gets closer Tommy notices he has a cardboared box around his waste . Tommy charges the German with his feather, STABADY STAB.

WHUMPFFF! Tommy lies on the ground and in his last breath he hears the german soldier in the box saying TANKATY TANK, TANKATY TANK!

Answer 6

I only have a couple of minutes to chat. That should put a smile on anyones face.

Life is for living. the car is now living in the scrap yard inthe sky. Fell happy its out of its agony. Go on drive your life varroooom....

Answer 7

Subject: Dying priest



The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully
served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for one of his aides
to come near.

"Yes father" said the aide.

"I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I
die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, father" replied the aide.

The aide sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.

Soon the word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the
priest.
So they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images after
the number the Republicans have done on us"
Kennedy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in
his right hand and Clinton's hand in his left. There was silence and a look
of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Kennedy spoke "er, ah, Father, ah, of all the people you
could have er, ah, chosen, er, why-a, why did you choose us to be with you
as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after
our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Clinton. "er, Amen" said Kennedy.

The old priest continued..."He died between two lying thieves. I would like
to do the same."

Answer 8

Look in the mirror and tell yourself to smile. If that doesn't work get out a permanent red marker and draw one on. I hope that your day gets better.

Answer 9

Well it might not put a smile on your face but I wrote a car off 4 years ago but I rolled it three times and left it in a field.

I also lost my licence as a result!

Hope your accident wasn't as bad

Answer 10

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.

The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."