Hello Peeps i need some laughter in my life cos i have to journey to that cosmopolitan town of Hammersmith and the thought of it fills me with dread. To many people rushing around. I wouldn't go except i have a meeting there. So can anyone out there make me laughter or at least bring a smile to my lips it will make my journey bearable.
2006-10-03 22:22:42 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
A woman sitting at a roadhouse in Top Springs, NT, suddenly
began to cough while eating a giant outback steak.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real
distress and two Jackaroos at the next table turned to look at her. "Can ya swalla?", asked one Jackaroo.
The woman signalled "No", desperately shaking her head.
"Can ya breathe?", asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn blue, shook her head "No".
With that, the first Jackaroo raced over to her, lifted up the
back of her skirt, yanked down her panties, and slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the
obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
The Jackaroo walked back over to his mate and proudly took another drink of his VB. His mate said in admiration,
"Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I
ain't never seen nobody do it before".
-------------------------------------------
Chinese Man
A Chinese man moves to Australia after 50 years of living in
Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land in the outback. A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to
go across and welcome the new guy to the region. So he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt this "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day. The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom", he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "What the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about
sh*t on you."
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry Sir, you do not understand, these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must Chase Chicks, Drink Piss, and listen to Bull-sh*t.
:)
2006-10-03 22:26:35 · answer #1 · answered by Purplgirl 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Advice to Yankees on the South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as
"Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can.
Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the
cab of a four-wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will
be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way.
This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same
store.
6. Do not buy food at the movie store.
7. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let
alone eating.
8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All
y'all's" is plural possessive..
9. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern
accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
10. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
11. People walk slower here.
12. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
13. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted
Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol'
truck" or "big ol' boy".
14. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer
proper.
15. Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
16. If attending a funeral in the South, remember that we stay until
the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
18. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those
who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern
license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was
purchased.
19. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their
car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
20. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait
until November.
21. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the
most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the
local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the
store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
22. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you
purchase one, it is to be positioned directly in front of your
trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost
considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
23. Tornadoes and Souther wives have a lot in common. There's a lot of
blowing when they first get there and when they leave they take the trailer.
24. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more
Yankees than Southerners living there.
25. In southern churches you will here the hymn, All Glory, Laud and
Honor. You will also here expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy",
"Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
26. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone,
directly in the middle of the road, remember that many folks learned
to drive on a
vehicle known as a John Deere and this is the proper speed and lane
position for that vehicle.
27. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already
know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off
trying to find it yourself
2006-10-04 00:05:38 · answer #2 · answered by al p 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An Englishmen, Irishmen and a Scottsmen walk into a bar. The barman says "is this some sort of joke".
Teacher: Billy stop making stupid faces at other students
Billy: why?
Teacher:well when i was your age i was told that if i made stupd faces at other students my face would stay that way.
Billy: well i see you didn't listen.
Teacher: If you had a dollar and you asked your dad for a dollar how much money would you have?
Student: A dollar
Teacher: You don't know your maths.
Billy: You don't know my dad!
I thought those jokes were funny i hope you enjoyed them.
Good Luck at your meeting buddy!!
2006-10-04 00:08:31 · answer #3 · answered by KrystalKlear 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A man walks into a pub with a monkey. The monkey jumps up and down on the bar, eating everything he can lay his hands on. Then he jumps onto the pool table and swallows the white ball whole. The man apologises to the barman, and pays for the things the monkey has eaten.
A week later, the man goes back into the pub with the monkey. The monkey jumps oonto the bar, picks up a peanut, sticks it up his **** and then puts it in his mouth. The barman has seen all this and says to the man 'did you see that? he just stuck a peanut up his **** and then ate it'
'It doesn't surprise me' the man replied, 'after that pool ball, he measures everything first'
2006-10-03 22:31:55 · answer #4 · answered by Emma W 4 · 5⤊ 0⤋
A couple of short ones:
Two blondes walk into a building, you'd have thought one would've seen it.
What did the blonde say when she heard she was pregnant?
Are you sure its mine?
Did you hear about the deaf pirate?
He had no buckin ears.
I think the boy with the hind-lick manouver joke should get the ten points though. It was a beauty!
2006-10-04 01:45:20 · answer #5 · answered by paulobfunky 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
An old man was sitting on a park bench weeping and crying. A
second man passing by stopped and asked what was wrong. The
man crying answered:
"Three months ago I met a beautiful 26 year old woman. I'm 78
years old. We hit it off so well she moved into my apartment with
me. Every evening and every morning we make love. Not only that,
but she cleans my apartment, cooks my meals and never asks for a
thing."
The passerby asked, "That sounds great, why are you crying?"
The old man answered, "I can't remeber where I live."
p/s:hav a nice trip bro xD
2006-10-03 22:32:13 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
What's the difference between West Kensington and East Hammersmith?
2006-10-03 22:26:25 · answer #7 · answered by mesmerized 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋
examine ALL to appreciate......it rather is not a shaggy dog tale and that i don't understand why you think of it rather is even nonetheless please examine on...... regrettably maximum folk try this and rather of feeling compasion and giving thank you for what they (we) do have they/we seem down of them and seem at them losers without thinking or thinking how this has surpassed off and wipe them off. by potential of how i became into rather offended when I examine your first paragraph yet continued and am happy i did - thank you. i assume alongside religious (christian) lines one would desire to convey to recommendations the undeniable fact that who understand what God/Jesus appears like, he could be interior the face of the beggar or whoever and there is the asserting that 'what soever you do unto others you do unto me' or comparable. unhappy isn't it. the international could be a extra valuable place if we opened our eyes and hearts. we would desire to continually undergo in recommendations the asserting "there yet for the grace of God circulate I". sorry approximately this. edit: i comprehend i did not answer your final 3 questions: a million. the international continues to be a merciless uncaring place 2. not probable in simple terms according to probability attempt and make others extra conscious 3. oh yeah.
2016-10-15 12:18:58 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"
Other bat says, "I didn't."
2006-10-04 06:21:12 · answer #9 · answered by Proto 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
do some people spotting, hammersmith is fulled with crazy people. just keep your eyes open when you walk down the street and i gaurantee you'll have a laugh before your meeting is done
2006-10-03 22:25:22 · answer #10 · answered by Da FienD 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Paddy and Murphy standing in front of a lion. Paddy throws a rock at the lion and whilst turning to run says to Murphy "quick, run!"
Murphy stands his ground and replies " I don't need to run, I haven't done anything."
2006-10-03 22:26:34 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋