my 4 year old son does not listen to me?

Question

do i become strict with him or tackle him with love

Answer 1

Developmetally, your son could be going through a latent form of the 'terrible twos'- males do tend to develop emotionally later than females. Also, it could be that he's acting out due to something that has happened. Either way, easy as it is to say, try a combination of strictness, consistency, immediacy and love.

Immediacy: Don't bother telling him off for something he did one or two hours ago (unless you're only finding out about it later) deal with it as soon as it happens.

Consistency: Always be consistent - don't chop and change - yes, it's okay to try different things but you're like the law, he's like a citizen - citizens can't obey laws that keep changing - it's too difficult.

Strictness: Let him know you are the parent and he is the child - I know he won't really understand this concept so perhaps if he's got a favourite sport tell him you're the captain / coach and as captain / coach, he, as the team must listen to you.

Also, try behaviour modification techniques such as rewarding good behaviour and modelling how he should act.

It sounds really sexist but if there's a dad on the scene that you trust and he respects and listens to, get the dad (or another suitable and involved male role model) to work with him on this stuff as well - that's things like listening to you, doing what he's told and also not arguing back and fighting everything with you.

When your son starts arguing or behaving in a way you don't like, try the following:
If you're talking to him and the behaviour starts, stop talking.
If you're not already, get down on his level and so you can look him directly in the eye (don't lift him up to your eye level to tell him off - doing this lets him think he's on your level during the argument and back down afterwards - he should remain where he is).
Put your hand between your face and his, and say calmly and quietly "Stop, this is not good behaivour"

If he doesn't listen say to him, "I do not want this behaviour"

NEVER ever tell him HE is bad - he isn't - his behaviour is bad.
Tell him that if you think it will help.

Let him know you love him but that you don't like THE behaviour. DOn't even refer to the behaviour as being 'his' - it creates ownership that a 4 year old will struggle to separate from who they are - ie, saying it's his behaviour lets him think it's him.

Love: Hug him and tell him you love him often - even tell him when he's done the wrong thing - otherwise he'll begin to get secretive for fear of losing the love - fear is not how children should be motivated. Also, reward him for good things and also reward him when he doesn't expect it - that way he'll become conditioned to act how he should.

You can start up a 'star chart' system. Get a poster, draw up a big table with textas - have each column headed with an action you want him to do - ie, listened well, no shouting, no yelling, toys put away, bed on time, teeth clean etc. And then each day, you go through the list with him and give him a star for each thing he's done well - discuss it with him but be careful he doesn't start an argument or twist your arm with excuses.

For each week of stars, (make it achievable so he gets encouraged and feels like he's doing well), he gets a reward. This will create a visual reminder for your son and lets you keep track of his progress.

Also, don't be afraid to give him a time out but if he won't leave the room, leave him in it (if picking him up and putting him in an area where he cannot play or do any damage to himself or his surroundings), and remove yourself - sometimes removing the audience will reduce the poor behaviour.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I have a 4 year old son, too. When he was 3, it seemed he listened to me more and was much better at obeying me. I tried a bunch of things, but what works with him is taking away stuff he likes. For example, if he doesn't do what I say, I take TV away for an hour, or a day, depending on what he didn't do. Then, when I tell him to do something, I'll say "Go put your toys away. If you don't, there's no TV for you tomorrow". I won't yell or get angry. I'll just wait for him to do it, and if he doesn't, he knows what will happen. It has worked so far, so I'm sticking to it.

Answer 3

I have a 3 ½ year old daughter and she doesn't listen to me either. It takes a lot for her to get to listen to me. I guess at this age it's normal that their attention span is very short. What I try to do is not get mad instantly. I try to tell her at least 3 times and if at the 3rd time she still doesn't listen, I put her on time out (stand in the corner facing the wall works for my daughter). 3-4 minutes on time out should be ok. But before you put them on time out or any punishment, you have to go down to their level ( like sit on the floor and look your child in the eyes) and explain to them what they did wrong. Even if they are younger than 3 (I started this with my child as early as 2-2½) they will understand (eventually) that they did something wrong. The time out works for you too. It gives you a couple of minutes to calm down as well.

Answer 4

what happen to a good old butt spanking from time to time.. I mean dont injure the kid or anything, and best advise is to put him in his room an calm down for a minute then spank him, so your more rational. Make sure he knows what he is getting spanked for though, you dont want him to get confused. When he does good praise him for it. Also another good thing is be firm with them, dont give in. If he throughs a tantrum over somthing put him in his room and tell him he cant come out until he is done, Eventually he will realise screaming isnt going to get him his way. If your concerned about him hurting himself or breaking somthing, put him somewhere you can seem him (like a room connected to the living room that open) with gates up blocking the exits, and make sure he realises your not paying his tantrum any attention. If you pay attention to it he wont stop. I know it sounds kind of cruel but it really is not any meaner than a timeout. Its alot more efficient too.

Answer 5

It would be good to know WHAT he doesn't listen to you about. You can't say "no" ALL the time and have it really mean anything, just as you can't say "yes" ALL the time .... it really depends on the situation, and it depends on the individual child -- so what might work for one child may not work for yours.

Whether you're strict or lax.... ALWAYS include love. That should be unconditional!

Answer 6

use positive reinforcment. its what they use in child care centres.

you need to tell him what you want him to do (positive), rather than saying stop that (stop that, is negative) eg, if he is sitting on a table,. instead of saying , get off the table, say "tables are for eating off"

also use feeling words, as in "I FEEL angry when you do that" i want you to do this instead.........do you get it? i hope its not to complicated or jumbled.
make sure if he doesnt listen you make him stop what it is, if hes being rough with a toy, and you ask him to play nice. you take it off him. and let him know why.....always let the child know what is expected of them

Answer 7

Time outs are great, get him calm and down to his level before you talk to him. And be consistent, if he breaks a rule, his punishment must be the same EVERY TIME for it to sink in.

Answer 8

He's male - get used to it.

Be firm with clear boundaries when he is naughty but lots of cuddles and love when he is good.

Answer 9

niether does mine--be firm but not yelling firm- be kind but firm ya know a ballence of the two

Answer 10

let him know who is the parent. it gets worse in teen years