I'm dating a single mom...?

Question

I've never been involved with a single mom before (actually she is divorced and her ex has the kids sometimes) and she has 2 kids... her son is 5 and daughter is 3. It's starting to get serious. So far she and I have spent some dates just the 2 of us, and sometimes we'd go hiking, to the library, or to chuck e cheese with the kids... just fun stuff mostly. I like her kids a lot and she and I are really clicking. What changes should I expect and prepare for as things get more serious? What is an appropriate role for me as far as the kids are concerned as things get more serious?

Answer 1

My mother was a single mom raising 5 kids alone.. So from a kids point of view from growing up with men in the house "trying" to "act" like they gave a damn was :
Be yourself, don't try to be their dad because you know you can't replace him and they don't want you to replace him. Just try to be there for them and hang out with them, make sure at first your spending some time with them as well so they know your taking an intrest in them too and not just their mother.
Eventually if you just be yourself and try to be a friend they will open up to you and accept you for who you are and your position whether its just the boyfriend or a stepdad.

My mom finally remarried a guy when I was 12 and let me tell you even after they divorced 8 yrs later we are still basically a family, he's a second father to all us kids and my mom or dad never tried to change that because they knew he was there for us no matter what we needed and he has been.
Just be great and yourself and they will in turn love you back. Let them know your intentions and where you stand and they will respect that and in return be okay with you back.

Answer 2

The only thing I can suggest is to not try to be their father, and do NOT be the punisher. My uncle married (and has since been divorced by) a single mother, and he was so MEAN to her son because he thought he was showing him how to be a man.

Now, if you're married for a good long time, MAYBE then you can start being a bit more of an enforcer. For the next (probably long) while, you will be a guest--albeit a favored one--in these children's lives. You want to gain their trust along with the trust of their mother. If you wnat to do something with the kids alone or with mom, or if you have a question about the rules, go through their mother.

Remember that these kids will always be her #1 focus, as they should be. Although, it seems like you already know how important they are to her. :-) Although she may end up loving you 100%, they are her number one concern.

I am so glad you are wanting to be good at this. Too many men (especially those in my family, it seems...ugh) rush into it wanting to be the boss!

Answer 3

Best role? Responsible adult. You are not their father, uncle, baby sitter. You can only assume the role of a responsible adult in their life. If you two get married then you might take on more of a father figure in their life. Never try to replace their father, never go against anything their mother has said. Never try to come between the kids and their mother. Just be there, be normal, dont try too hard. have fun with the kids. Being a dad is the coolest thing the world, Ive Dated several single mothers and married two (not at the same time of course). Never miss an opportunity to help the mom out. Being a single mom is difficult. Let her know that she can count on you. Most importantly concentrate on her and your relationship. The child rearing decisions are best left up to her and her ex.

Answer 4

Im a step parent. Take this advice....your role as a step parent is to be the yes man. Donot ever try to parent those kids. The only time you should ever step in is if there is no other option. One or both, most likely only one, will start testing you as they see you becoming more permanent. They will cause you alot of grief. They may say mean things like"youre not my Dad" if any of that happens just kick back and know that if youre real cool about them going through a rough spot everything will work out. And dont take every little greivance you have with her kids to her. Keep the everyday problems between you and the kid. The kid will respect you more. They will also establish their own relationship with you that they will appreciate. It also builds a trusting bond between the two of you. They are going to feel a little threatened. But if you let them know you want to have a real relationship with them they will eventually come around. Just remember you dont have to parent them. Which is the best part because you always get to be the good guy. I recall my step daughter coming to me asking if we could go to Disneyland one day and I told her I would love to go and she should go ask her dad. Ofcourse he said no! I knew that before she asked. But I came out smelling like a rose and he the meanie. Just prepare yourself to have your feelings hurt for a while. Finally, if you cant figure out how to manipulate a 5 and 3 yr old into liking you, you got problems. Ive never understood how someone could have a step child hate them after years of being around. Kids are fairly easy to win over. You just have to find out what their weakness is. My step kids still love me and Ive been divorced from their Dad for 10 years. And Im not a doormat either. I always do what I want when I want. I dont spoil them. They know my limits. And they treat me in a respectful manner. It took about 6 months for my step son to come around though. He was 3. He felt like he was betraying his Mom if he was nice to me. So I played on that and showed him how much I liked his Mom and her word was always gold in my book. He was fine after that. Youll get it. Just dont take stuff personally. be the bigger person at alltimes. And dont try and parent them. You will be happier in the long run. And if they treat you badly, treat them even nicer. If it gets really bad, get even jicer.

Answer 5

OK, some people clearly have some issues with single mums...don't change or expect anything, it sounds as though its all fine at the moment, keep doing what your doing and I am sure things will flow as they have been. The only one who can really give you advise about the kids is their mother. Talk to her about what she expects and what you expect as far as the kids go so that you both have a clear picture. good luck.

Answer 6

The biggest hurdle will be convincing your kids that they are going to have a new mom. A lot of kids act up just to take the attention that would otherwise go to your spouse. Then there's the matter of where to live, Your place,her place or somewhere new.
As far as the kids ,make sure you and your spouse are on the same page As to how to treat the kids. Many couples need time to adjust to being a step parent.

Answer 7

Never expect her to choose you over her kids, if you are ever in a situation where you want to do something and the kids want to do something else try and speak about it as a family, don't make her go over their heads as they will end up hating you.
You should never try to discipline them too harshly (speak to her about what is appropriate), however you shouldn't spoil them too much otherwise they will see you as a pushover.
Let her spend quality time with her kids so they do not see you as someone who is taking away their mum.
What ever you do never bad mouth their father in front of them! If the mum is doing it just remind her that the kids don't need to hear that about their dad and that you can talk about it later.
thats it for now. =)

Answer 8

You my friend are in a tough situation. If you are dedicated and willing to work unselfishly then it can be great. You are getting into a situation where you come last and I don't mean in bed. Your GF has to put her kids first then herself and then you. IF it gets to the point of you being a step-dad then it becomes a full time job. I disagree with those that say you can't discipline your wife's kids, you have to be very careful but they need to respect the authority of an adult living in their house or yours. Take it slow but not too slow that the kids get attached and then you are gone. It can be great but it is something that needs to be managed very smartly and typically love isn't a manged task.

Answer 9

I am a single mom and I know when I bring a man into my kid's lives it is a serious decision, because this does effect them! They may act out but you have to stand your ground with them they will eventually grow out of it and grow to like you and if they already like you then that is a good thing because they may not act out. Just try not to overstep your ground with being a parent to them, because they may not like that and your girlfriend might not either. I know that when I do introduce another man into my kid's lives it is going to be a really good man and probably the man that I will hopefully marry.

Answer 10

first ignore the fool who's accusing you of interfering.

second, be yourself just like any other relationship. for the women if you care about her then show it how you would normally do so. for the kids, if you're not genuine they'll see through you faster than you can order some fries.

your role will be of a male figure, but be careful about trying to replace their biological dad. he is their disciplinarian as is their mum, so you'll be more like an uncle.

enjoy yourself dude, as it's grand to see people dating single mums, coz they need love too.