how should i react to my mother just telling me that my father is not my father, after 19, almost 20, years?

Question

theres so much drama in my family rite now, i dont even kno if i should care... but answer it anyway... get ur points...

i dont hate anyone, at least i dont think i do... i jus laughed it off for now... but my parents are havin problems rite now, gettin a divorce b/c my father has a 5yr old child by another woman... and my parents have been married (not happily) for 19 years... my biological father, according to my mother, is nowhere to be found, a drug addict, etc. and i have really no way of getting to kno him... so yea, rite now my head is jus messed up wit all of this....

Answer 1

I don't know what reason your Mother waited so long to tell you this or why she chose to tell you this now. But I think any person hearing this at your age for the first time would feel anger at the psychological trauma at having been "lied" to all of these years and resentment that I had not been told sooner to see if I wanted to make the choice to try to contact my biological father.

Whatever emotion you feel, it is important to acknowledge it and try to work through it.

One thing that may be hard to hear right now is that if the man that you call father, even though he is not your biological father, raised you to be he own daughter and has always treated you as such and shown that he loves you, truly is your father, even though it is by choice, not biology. Most any many can sire an offspring, but not every man can handle the responsibility of being a father and a family member is not only a person you are related to by genes, but someone who loves you for who you are.

Another is that parents are people to and make mistakes in judgment...your Mom may have thought not telling you was in your best interests at the time and kept putting it off because telling the truth was harder to do after each passing year as she didn't want to deal with the fallout. You have every right to be angry, but I am sure you have made her mad about many things over your lifetime and unless the deception was with malicious intent, try to acknowledge and work through the anger and try to forgive her.

We are not defined by our origins, but who we decide to become...you will become the adult you will be not only because of, but in spite of, any parenting you may or may not have had.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Firstly, I am so sorry that she told you that. It was really a bad thing to say to you. She must be angry and hurting right now, but to put that kind of stuff on your mind............she shouldn't have.

Secondly, really genetics doesn't matter. If this man has been dad for 19+ years.....then he IS dad. Being a sperm donor doesn't make a man a father. The man that has financially, emotionally, physically supported you, been there for you.....given you love, direction, etc.....THAT is your father.

If this man was none of those things, then take it as a loss. No harm, no foul. But if he was all those things and more like a father IS......then he doesn't stop being daddy just because he and mom aren't going to be together anymore. Men who come in to children's lives who don't biologically belong to them, and raise, love, and provide for them are BETTER than biological dads.

He IS your dad. The details may have changed......because your mom is angry and hurting, and were revealed in an ugly way. But no matter what she says, if his life and actions have shown that he is your dad..........then you react with sadness at the loss of their relationship.....but keep on loving them both the way you always have. You just will have to love them while they reside in seperate homes and lead seperate lives.....that's all.

I'm sorry. Hope it gets better for you.

Answer 3

You have to think about what makes a father. Did the man you grew up with treat you like a daughter, was he there for you, did he love you and care for you? If he did all these things, then he was your father and you can love him like one for that. I don't know why your mom might keep this from you. Maybe you should sit down and talk to her and see what her reasoning was...she might have a good reason, maybe she was scared, or wanted you to have a good father...of course, I guess she could have been trying to punish him by not letting you know him. Just talk to her and really listen. Then forgive her because she is your mother. Then work on having a relationship with two fathers.

Answer 4

I was adopted as a baby and had the advantage of always knowing, but my dad has always been so great to me. I've always felt that when he decided take me on as his daughter, he did so with every fiber in his being. DNA doesn't make a dad, love does and if the man who raised you all these years has loved you, taken care of you, provided for you and given of himself for you, then he's more dad than my own kids have ever known. I can totally understand if you're shocked and even angry about this news, but it sounds like this guy really stepped up to the plate. You gotta give him his props for that!

Answer 5

Well I found out when I was 5 that my "Daddy" wasn't my daddy. My mom told me when she fighting a custody Battle over me and my sibling when her and my dad were getting divorce. It hurt and I think that is what she wanted but my Daddy told me something "Any man can be a father takes someone special to be daddy" . I know who my biological father and i have a relationship with him but it is nothing compared to what I had with my dad.
If the man who raised you did so with all his heart then he is your dad doesn't matter who helped create you it is who raised you.
Good Luck and I am sorry that you are going Thur this . Things will get better and you will find peace with this

Answer 6

Be understanding and let her explain (and hopefully appologize). So few things we have control over in this world except our own reactions. The man who raised you, will always be your dad. Hopefully now you could be gaining another (hopefully positive) father figure in your life.

Answer 7

Perhaps your mother was just being a bi*ch !!!
You could perhaps have been ‘adopted’ as a baby; or perhaps it wasn’t to your father that she got pregnant…
Either way, I guess you could say that your mother has been living a lie !!!

Whether your father is your ‘natural father’ or not… Does it really matter?
If he has been a father toward you for 19 to 20 years, and you love and respect him as such, then just tell your mother that she hasn’t been much of a mother to you lately either !!!

It sounds like you are living in a sh*t environment there…
Have you thought of moving on ???

Answer 8

That's got to be hard........a real bomb! All I can say is many times we do things hoping and thinking it was the right thing. I can't say you mom was doing the right thing or a bad thing but I can say thank your blessings that you have 2 fathers. Many people don't even have one. Best of luck to you.

Answer 9

if the man you call dad has loved you cared about you stood up for you and never let you down then its plain that he is your dad. anyone can make a baby but the one that is there when you need them is your dad. don't be too quick to hate your mom. when you can get calmer then sit down and ask her any questions you have.

Answer 10

Maybe she had really good reasons to keep you in the dark all these years. Wait until you get the whole story to make your final decision on how you feel.