Who's got the funniest joke?

Question

I wanna hear some good jokes! Don't worry about being offensive, I don't care. I wanna laugh. It's been a long time since I've heard a funny joke! Bring it on...

Answer 1

For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember,
it could have been worse. These are actual quotes taken from
federal government employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom
and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more
of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like
a rat in a trap."

5. "When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change
feet."

6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

7. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails
to achieve them."

8. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

9. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the
better."

10. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it
all together."

11. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus."

12. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train
isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week."

26. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get
change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Answer 2

Q: How can you tell when a blonde barmaid has had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil anywhere...

Q: Why does a blonde smile when there is lightning?
A: Because she thinks that someone is taking her picture...

Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them...

Q:What the difference between snowmen and snow women?
A: Snowballs...

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19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit in Your Parked Car with Sunglasses on and
point a Hair Dryer at Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once everyone has gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With the
Prophecy."

8. dont use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're not in the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You by Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, yelling "Run for Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To the Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."


That's about all i can think of at the moment, i hope i've made you laugh...
But just incase i haven't, i'll give you a big thumbs up...

=)

Answer 3

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God. 'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful,but I have just one problem. It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.' And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc, she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'. 'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden. ' Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?' 'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.' God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see....where did I put that useless boob?' Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Answer 4

a couple go to a bull auction in the country one weekend. the auctioneer begins his spiel for the first bull. he says, 'a fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.'
the wife nudges her husband and says, 'wow-more than five times a month!'
the auctioneer then calls out, 'another fine specimen, this bull reproduced 120 times last year.'
again the wife nudges her husband. 'hey, that 10 times a month. what do you say about that?!'
her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison
the third bull is up for sale: 'and this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!'
the wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, 'that’s once a day! how about YOU?!'
the husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back, 'big deal, once a day!
I bet he didn’t have to do with the same cow!'

Answer 5

Ok I couldn't resist I just HAD to partake

So this nymphomaniac decides she wants to become a nun.
She goes thru the school and graduates. After two years, she just can't stand it anymore she's gotta get some.
There's this gorgeous paperboy that walks by her window everyday so she says "Hey, come up to my room tonight and we'll have a good time."
He's thinkin' oooh a virgin.
So in the middle of ...um ... things, there's a knock on the door
She says "Uh, who is it?"
The person says "It's Mother Superior."
The girl says "Oh, s*$@#, it's mother superior, you gotta get outta here."
So she gathers up his clothes and throws them out the window.
He takes his rubber off and puts it on the bedside table and jumps out the window.
The girl fixes her hair, throws on a robe, jumps into bed with her Bible and lights a cigarette.
She calls out sweetly, "Come in."
As they are sitting there talking, Mother Superior looks over at the bedside table and asks "What's that?"
The girl gets kinda flushed and thinks fast.
She says "Uh, an ashtray." and flicks ashes in it.
Mother superior says "Oh, how neat & compact, I'm just gonna have to get one some day."
Then she asks "What's it called?"
The girl thinks Oh well, Mother Superior's stupid she'll never figure it out so she says "UH, a rubber."
So the next day, Mother Superior goes to the drug store and walks right up to the front counter.
She looks at the girl behind the counter and says "Uh, I'd like to get a rubber."
The girl looks at her kida strange and says "You have to get those in the back pharmacy."
So Mother Superior trots on back and tells the guy the same thing. So the guy asks "What size?"
Mother Superior thinks about it a minute and scratches her head, and says "Oh, about the size of a Camel."

Answer 6

a woman is sitting at the bar with a drink in one hand and a duck in the other... when a man who's been drinking for 11 hours straight comes staggering over to her and says: where'd you get the pig? she snubs up her nose and moves down a few seats...he comes over to her again and says: where'd you get the pig? she becomes offended and moves to a table... half an hour goes by and he comes over again and says: where'd you get the pig? she says: it's not a pig...it's a duck! he says: i was talk'n to the duck!

Answer 7

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.


ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.


PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FL IPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.


NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.

Answer 8

there was 3 women running from the laws, one was a red head, one brunette, and one blond. they came across a barn, so they went in. looking around, they decided to go up the ladder and found three potato sacks up there. they each jumped into them, then the laws started looking for them, one went up the ladder and said, there is nothin up here but 3 potato sacks, the chief asked well whats in them, so the law man kicked the first one and the red head said, meow, meow, so the law man said there is kittens in the first one. he kicked the second one and the brunette said woof, woof, and the law man said there is puppies in the second one. he then kicked the third one and the blond said potatos.....

Answer 9

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up
ahead of him and went to her and said, "Can you please help me, I don't
know what hole I'm on".

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6."

He thanked her & continued playing golf. Later he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed.

"I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please
tell me what hole I'm on."

Lady : You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.


Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her
and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking & talking he asked her what she did for a
living.

"I'm in sales."

He replied, "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"

Lady : It's too embarrassing to tell.

But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if
he promised not to laugh. He promised.

Lady : I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins).

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.

Lady : You promised you wouldn't laugh.

He replied, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper........
I'm still one hole behind you."

Answer 10

lets just say the governer was taking a bath but he ran out of soap
so he walks in his room to get some
two nuns walk in and then he freezes
the nuns go omg it looks so real
then they start yanking on his dick and then he drops one bar of soap
than one nun goes its a soap despenser
then the other nun yanked on it even harder
then goes look its a lotion despenser, email me at [e-mail] if u think its funny