What do I do when my dreams collide with my parents' expectations?

Question

Ok, let me elaborate. I'm an Asian teen and I'm in high school now. Asian schools are usually strict and extremely hard on students academicallly, so naturally, when they come to America and see that things are a little more carefree, they push their kids a little. Now my mom doesn't give me that much pressure, but if I get a B, she will freak. The good news is, I have a 4.0 GPA now. The bad news is, my greatest dream isn't to get straight A's and go to Stanford like I always told them. That's my second greatest dream. My first, is to make my living in the music buisness and I'm already preparing my self to be one of the privileged few that can get by on that. I practice alot of violin, piano, and guitar everyday, and I'm working on my second song. The problem is, how am I supposed to tell my parents that! If you come from the Asian community, the typical stereotype is that you go to a top notch college and become a lawyer or doctor. Not a music artist. How do I react to the inevitable

I'm not planning on being a super famous artist, just a singer/songwriter who does what he loves for a career. It would be neat if I got famous though. Anyhow, can you also tell me if it is possible to do both? To make music and do it vehemently while studying for the numerous exams and projects that come with a college life?

Answer 1

First of all, I must congratulate you. If you really are what you describe (a high school student), you are truly exceptional. So many of your peers (in terms of life stage and nothing else) can't seem to figure out how to write an accurate English sentence. It doesn't take but a few seconds looking at what kinds of questions and answers are usually posted by that cohort to come to this conclusion.

I've little doubt but that you approach your music in an extremely serious way, and you clearly love that activity.

I was in a similar situation in high school. At the time, I was actively involved writing music in various bands, assistant directing the choir, and organized a "Music Workshop" club as well. My single-minded goal was to attend the Callifornia Institute of the Arts and major in classical guitar and composition.

I'm not Asian, so that highly typicial expectation that the sons will all be doctors or lawyers wasn't a constant theme in my house, but my father was extremely practical, and at that time he gave me the single piece of advice that ever made sense. He suggested going to a Junior College first. They were extremely cost-effective, and you can get your first two years of academic requirements out of the way. Then, afterwords, if I STILL wanted to go to music school, then we'd find the best one I could attend and I'd go.

So that's what I did. During those two years, I was still playing music of all kinds, working on my compositions, and experimenting with different things (like a really great project that combined a piano, guitar, tabla, and basoon!). But I was also getting exposure to a wide range of academic topics, and was doing extremely well. What I realized was that I would rather have my music as a life-long avocation, rather than as a way to make a living. The music business is easily the (if not one of the) most competitive fields anybody can get into, and as I was in Los Angeles at the time, it was easy to see how many people were just outstanding players, but couldn't actually get into the business and make a reasonable career of it.

I don't regret the decision I made. I've always kept up with my musical explorations, and they've often lead to some amazing opportunities. For a while, I was playing keyboards and guitar for a Tibetian pop singer named Dadon. By some bizarre twist of fate, we got to play at the Second Tibetian Freedom Concert at Randall's Island, New York... a real life rock concert with 10,000 pierced 20-somethings out there in the crowd!

In January of this year, I moved from the US and now I live in Singapore. Like I said, I'm not Asian, but I'm surrounded by them now (and I moved here because I really love Asia, and Singapore is wonderful because there are a large number of people from different parts of Asia all living together here), so I've got some appreciation of the pressures that somebody like you is under to conform to what your parents want you to do.

Let me ask you - - is there a way you could sort of do what you want, but at the SAME TIME do what they want? Sort of what I did. When you get to university, sure, study hard and do well (I'm sure you will), but seek out other musicians on (or off) campus and work with them as much as you can? That way you won't necessarily have to make this an "either/or" decision. That's probably the most "diplomatic" way out of this.

If you CAN'T do it that way... You've got a pretty hard decision to make... You're looking at making a decision between shaping your future around what YOU want versus what your PARENTS want.

You know what I'd try if I were in your shoes? I just might try the music route. When you have that talk with your parents, MAKE SURE YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK FIRST - - and by that I mean go research the vast number of Asians who have become very successful in the music field. They're better represented on the classical side, but I happen to get MTV in Chinese here in Singapore, and there are some people there who are pretty darn good, even if I can't understand much of what they sing! By showing them that Asians have made a success of the arts, it might be easier for them to handle this. There's no guarantee it'll help, but having that kind of information handy will help.

I know you know this, but it's probably worth saying that your parents aren't trying to make you unhappy on purpose... they're just trying to look out for you and your future in the best way they know how.

But still... the only other thing I would say if you have to make an "either/or" decision is that you can try the music pursuit (and deal with whatever your parents confront you with). You can ALWAYS switch and get some kind of "real job" and start a career path for yourself. MOST people don't start life as doctors or lawyers. Most of us start with fairly modest jobs and work our way around and up a path. So you can always switch.

Either way, keep up with your music. I suspect that if you do, even if you do it "part time," we'll be hearing some of your creations in the future.

Stay happy!
mz

Answer 2

With drive and properly placed ambition, you can succeed with your dreams. However, your parents know a few things things that high school and college just don't teach. One is common sense. Not that you may or may not have common sense, the sensible thing to do when preparing for your future is to have a plan B or even C, until plan A comes to fruition. For every person wanting that great job as a recognized lyricist and musician, there is literally thousands of wannabes that just will not make it, especially right away. Your parents do not want to see you fail at your dreams, but they are looking at the realistic side of the matter and know that success in that field is very hard to attain. It does sometimes takes years for your works to be recognized. Just harken unto your parents, don't write them off as not encouraging you, rather know that they are concerned with your well being.

Answer 3

I can't totally understand your culture so I can't say I understand.
I imagine it is very difficult to live sort of on the fense between two cultures. There is an extreem difference between parents who put expectations on their children (as in your case) and then the parents who have no expectations except that their children will end up in jail etc. Both extreems are wrong. Some place there is a balance here. I like to think that I had that balance when my children were growing up. I must admit that when my son didn't go for professional baseball I was disappointed. But, I kept it to myself becasue I expected each of my children to fallow their dreams. My parents supported my dreams and hopes which meant a great deal to my success. When becoming a parent we as parents tend to feel a child is a reflection and or an extention of ourselves. That is a big mistake. We as parents give birth to a new soul that although we are responsible for in many ways, we do need to let them go and make their own decisions.

As an American I would strongly say fallow your dreams. If you work on pleasing another generations expectations you set yourself up for failure and bitterness. It might be difficult for your parents to let you go your way, but they are the ones that brought you to this country where you can reach your potential and dreams.

Eventual your cultural ways will be challenged. If you don't do it, then you hopefully will encourage your children to excell and to reach their own dreams.

I feel like your culture leaves little space for choice. You may just have to see your family freak. If you can do this in a loving way do it. Just tell them that you are an individual and that you respect them, but you need to fallow your dream of being in music. I would encourage you to get a good college education.

Perhaps you won't choose to be a doctor or an attorney, but you could get a double degree maybe one in music and another one that would alow you to teach or somehow make money whlie you participate in the world of music.

I would say to stop letting the pressure get to you. Just smile and let their words slide off your back. This is NOT agreeing with them, it is just listening without you feeling the pressure. You can't change how they act, but you can change the way you react. When you get closer to the end of high school you can then discuss with them your dreams. Until then any discussions with them will just cause discord. Pick your battles. Any arguments that go on for years will make a wall between you and your parents. At 18 you can make choices. You can make choices and still love and honor your parents.

I do hope that with time your parents will see that they have brought you to a country that has choices and that might be one of our problems in this country but more so it is a strength.

I

Answer 4

You truly are in a tuff position. You first need to analys the fact that when your parents pressure to do something it normally is for your best. However, if thier choice doesnt make you happy, than you go ahead and follow your dreams. Let them know you want to give this a try and your in it for the long run. Let them know that you are quite smart and you will always have college to fall back on. Once your on your own, it will all depend on your choices not thiers let them know they just need to trust you,

Answer 5

Just follow your dreams. You're not rebelling for the worst. Everything will fall into place. If not, go to stanford major in whatever they want you to (since it's your second greatest dream) then minor in music. You can always fall back on your major if music doesn't work out for you!

Answer 6

Dreams collide....mhmm, is that correct, languagewise?
I think you and your parents would have to compromise. Either take a year off before entering college to see how you like the music business, or go to college and after graduation take a year off to try out the music thingy. It would be well nigh impossible to do well at school and tackle your music career, one will suffer, and you will suffer too.

Answer 7

A music career is great, however it is very competitive. You should go to college so that if you are not able to fulfill your dreams of becoming a great musician you will have something to fall back on.

Answer 8

You have to first let them know that you completely appreciate all the things they have done for you & the opportunities they have given you. But at the same time, convey that you have to be able to live your own life. They can't live THROUGH you.... Get them to understand that you can only be happy living your own dreams and goals, not someone else's....

Answer 9

Yo yo Ma. Famous, Asian, Musician.
Talk to your parents and tell them what your dreams are. Tell them you want to pursue this dream and would greatly appreciate their support. It may take a while but they love you and want to see you happy. It might be difficult but you are articulate and passionate about music.
You can do it, good luck.

Answer 10

Just follow your dream. Sorry but your folks lived their lives and its your turn to live yours. Don't spend your life on what your folks want, live yours, that's why it's your life not mom and dads life. If you don't you will want to live your dream in your childs life and that is not fair.