Why can't my 11 yr old son say sorry when he needs to? He's been like this ever since he's a small kid

Question

I think we've been good examples to him, his dad, his 7yr old brother and myself because we as parents say sorry to our kids when we feel that we hurt them in any way..He can actually utter the word but only in "whisper". Then I talk to him and explain to him what he did wrong and why I reprimanded him..After a while everything's back to normal. But still I'm hoping that he will learn to say the word by himself and mean it...His offenses are usually minor, fights between him and his younger brother.. I also make it a point to talk to them separately in private after a fight so as not to feel embarrassed..Am I not doing the right thing?

Answer 1

You have to teach him how to apologize and those around him must set the example. It is human instinct to want to believe you are never wrong. It is a defense mechanism. If you don't believe you did anything wrong, you cannot feel bad for what you did. You must make him feel bad for what he did, and make him want to feel sorry. Feeling sorry about what you did means you want reassurance thst it is OK. Maybe he was still punished even when he said he was sorry. That cannot happen. Lavish him with praise once he says he is sorry.

Answer 2

Sounds like you are. Some people just simply cannot accept blame for what they do wrong. He won''t ever change that if you can't help him see that he's not a bad person, he simply made a mistake. While it sounds like you are doing everything the way you should, but its not working for your son.

I would have a frank discussion with him and ask him what he is feeling when he says he's sorry. Is he really sorry? Is he just saying that to appease you? Does it make him feel really bad about himself when he makes a mistake?

Try a different approach and see if you can get a handle on what he's thinking or feeling.

Answer 3

preteens! i remember it well. i raised 2 sons and 1 daughter and not a day went by that i didn't ask myself what am i doing wrong?. your boy sounds like my oldest - he's 32 this week and i still have never heard "I'm sorry" out of his mouth. he's a good guy though- married with one child and holds down a good steady job. you'll drive yourself crazy trying to figure him out. just love him and stay involved with his life. every child is an individual person with there own personality and you can only do your best when you raise them. everybody wants to blame the mother or father when something goes wrong but every child is hardwired with free will and in the end all you can do is teach them right from wrong, set a good example and love them to pieces. don't beat yourself up.

Answer 4

Can you give an example of what he did that he should apoligize for? Children are extremely self centered they dont usually walk around worrying about how they wronged you.

Answer 5

Maybe you don't make him accountable and responsible? Or maybe he's psychotic and doesn't actually FEEL sorry for anything. You need to take him to a shrink and stop making excuses for his behavior. Otherwise, when he goes on a killing spree, it will all be YOUR fault.

Answer 6

make sure he knows he is a good kid but when he does do something wrong force him to say it properly ie go to your room until your ready to apologize

Answer 7

kinda like my son.he picks on other kids and he dont think he does anything wrong.he thinks he a wimp if he has to appologize.
i trained my kid now do the crime hes going to pay by working it off(pushups) my son respects me now

Answer 8

He doesnt see the value in doing so. You should explain it to him in a way that he will understand.

Answer 9

Why is a WORD so important to you? If he shows he is sorry why does he have to SAY it? I think you're nitpicking.

Answer 10

HE IS BEING STUBBORN AND PROBABLY FEELS THAT HE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO SAY IT. HE REALLY NEED TO GET OUT OF THAT HABIT. HE SOUNDS LIKE HE NEED A REALITY CHECK SO HE CAN LEARN WHAT REMORSE IS.