He almost burnt our house down twice because he passed out while cooking when he was drunk and high. He says he want to change but has said this before. I feel bad not letting him back in but I have a 16 year old daughter to think about. He has had friends that have been arrested for armed robbery. He wants me to forgive him.
2006-10-03 11:54:56 · 42 answers · asked by amuench40 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
DO NOT LET HIM BACK. This is just enabling him. The best way you can love your son is by allowing him to experience the consequences of his actions. If you keep sheltering him from the outcome when he does something wrong (like giving him a place to live), he will keep doing them because he will learn that someone will always be there for him to fall back on to who will "clean up his mess" so to speak. For the safety of you and your daughter I would not let him live in your house. Drug addicts are masters of manipulation. They can tell anyone what they want to hear at any time, in order to further their addiction.
What you CAN do is help him get into some kind of drug treatment center or rehab. This will give him a place to live besides the streets and will also give him structure and some help with his drug problem which is at the root of all the other problems in his life. I would STRONGLY recommend going to an Al-Anon or CODA meeting, for friends & families of people with addictions, so you can learn what you can do for yourself and how you can help your son while not enabling him.
Websites for Al Anon and CODA
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org
http://www.coda.org
Rehab/Treatment Referrals
http://www.recoveryconnection.org
2006-10-03 12:03:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know what you are going through. My mother went thought the same things with my brother and myself. Sometimes Rehab isn't the place for somebody and sometimes the person that is using just needs some love and understanding. Here are my thoughts that helped out my mom. Have family meetings every week and make sure that he realizes that he can not have any friends that are up to no good, be in your house. Seek a counselor and make sure that the whole family goes to counseling. Have set house rules and make sure that you follow through on them and make sure that he pays rent when he moves back in, which will mean that he will need to have a job and he will have less money to play with. He is 22 and needs more responsibility and I am 23 and my mother did that to and that worked I was younger though. Now I am 23 and Happy. Also have to house work around the house anything that would have him busy. Say that he is on a trial period and he has 1 or 2 months to get himself together. You must fight hard you don't want to lose your son to Drugs or anything else for that matter.
I hope this helps
2006-10-03 12:36:05 · answer #2 · answered by Melissa B 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First of all, I tend to think that the crass remarks that have found there way onto this particular answer are uncalled for. This is a serious situation and should be addressed as such.
As far as you son is concerned. If he can't get his act together for any length of time, you can not reasonably expect that he will behave like he is at this moment in time. The reality is that right now he is having a hard time and he plans on using you as a crutch until the current situation has gotten better. As soon as things improve he will be back to his old habits once again, and once again you will have enabled such behavior. The best thing to do is let him "suffer" and figure things out on his own. I realize that this is a "sink or swim" situation but in the long run it is for the best.
So, officially I say keep him out, it will only bring more problems and heartache in the end. This is more stress than you need. :)
2006-10-03 12:12:11 · answer #3 · answered by the_green_grass_horse 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
So forgive and tell him after he checks into rehab and is clean and released you will have no issue with letting him stay until he finds a place of his own and a job. Put it on a time frame basis. Tell him you'll take him to get help and you'll pick him up in a few months when it's time to leave and then he has to find a job in month and a place to live in 3. Don't let him back in. Watch an episode of intervention once.
My uncle did this to my grandma for 23 years. He stole 350,000 by the time he was sent to prison for a cocaine addiction. It was stolen checks, forgery, and tax fraud. Not pretty seeing how being incarcerated is how he got sober for 10 years. And he went into rehab 2 times in his thirties. He's now 47 and back out doing drugs all over again. They won't change unless they want to. You can love him and tell him that but let him know you won't sit and watch him kill himself in your house. Especially if you all could die from neglect of a cigarette or stove, like you said. Do you want the crap from a dealer if he owes someone money? Do you want your daughter to be put it in a situation she could be hurt to teach your son a lesson? Tough love sucks but you are the one who has to make the call. Then pray for him a bunch!
2006-10-03 12:04:09 · answer #4 · answered by Baby girl 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dont go here hun. We just went through this earlier this year. My son just ending up leaving again because he didnt like our rules. No drugs, no drinking, no running out late at night because we have a 17 year old son, an 8 year old daughter and 5 year old son who do not need it around them. Until he wakes up and gets help on his own you are flirting with disaster. It will also do more harm then good to your daughter to see him act this way in front of her. Tell him and stick by it, you are not coming back in this house until you have gotten proper help and can take care and stan don your own two feet. We will not tolerate this anymore and you are not going to teach your sister this is ok anymore. Sounds mean but its honestly the only thing you can do. When he tried to come back again its what we had to do. Yes he is angery with us, but the torment of him being here for the other children was just not worth it. That does not mean you can not forgive him he is still your son, but just because you forgive him doesnt mean you have to let him live with you.
2006-10-03 12:05:00 · answer #5 · answered by mother_of_bonehead 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am truly sorry for what you and your family are going through.
You love your son. No question about it...but there is a line he cannot cross and you should stick to it. If you forgive him or not...that is for you to decide. You should not let him live with you, that would be a disaster and things would get worse. It sucks, but you have to let him hit rock bottom, and then when HE is ready and wants help, you can be there for him. Remember that you can`t help someone who doesn`t want to be helped. Don`t get into the whole oh, i promise i will never do it again thing. He is an addict, he will say and do anything to get what he wants. He needs to go to rehab and reprogram his thoughts. You need to help him help himself. But until then, stay away.
2006-10-04 19:39:22 · answer #6 · answered by Roxie 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No. I am 21 years old and my mom won't let me back in the house and I'm a normal person who doesn't drink and never done drugs and I don't even smoke cigarettes. I know I am not able to come back home because she has told me before that I am an adult and I need to take care of myself. Life is hard- he should get a job and grow up. I certainly wouldn't have him around my 16 y/o daughter and I wouldn't have him bringing his grubby friends around her either. He knows you still love him.
2006-10-03 11:58:59 · answer #7 · answered by momofthreemiracles 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it would be a bad idea to let him move back in but you can help him get the help he needs if he really wants it, THEN maybe let him move back in. Tell him before you let him move back in that there will be no more drugs or drinking or else he is on his own again. It must be hard but he needs tough love right now. You can forgive him without enabling him.
2006-10-03 12:02:14 · answer #8 · answered by krystal s 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should persuade him to go into a rehab program; that failing, don't let him back into the house. You said yourself-- you have a daughter to think of and he's nearly burnt your house down.
You know already that letting him move back in his present state is not a good idea. Just set your heels and don't let him destroy your life.
2006-10-03 11:58:23 · answer #9 · answered by Scarlett_156 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't let him back until he makes changes in his life himself!He is grown so you should treat him like a grownup!How would you feel if one of his friends attacked your daughter because they were high.Tell him once he makes changes for the better as in rehab and a job you will forgive him for the past, that still doesn't mean he should live with you.You have to practice tough love for you and your daughter and for him too.Good luck to you.
2006-10-03 12:02:38 · answer #10 · answered by ashlie 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋