I have dated a man for over 1 year. Recently during his trip to NY I found out he had cheated on me. When I confronted him he denied it, untill I brought out the evidence! He then apoligized and said he would never risk our relationship again. He said he was lonely in New York and that is why he did it. He claims that this was the first and last time. Can I believe this?
2006-10-03 09:54:07 · 37 answers · asked by 112 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Yes, once a cheat, always a cheat.
2006-10-03 09:55:39 · answer #1 · answered by pegasus_1174 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know there are a lot of people who are being arm chair puritans. It's easy to be judgmental, it's tougher to admit we are not perfect. Cheating is a symptom. If life were perfect, no one would have an emotional void or need that would compel them to cheat.
Not in all cases, but many, cheating is a symptom not an end to itself. If one, or both, of the the people in a relationship are not getting what they need from the relationship, the will be trouble to follow. The trouble may be depression, substance abuse, gambling, cheating, or some other form of needful behavior.
Sure, there are a small percentage of people who cheat just to cheat. We all know one or two of those. The bigger picture of adultery is something more complicated where everyone is a victim. No. it does not excuse the behavior, but it helps to better understand it. In a perfect world if someone is not getting what they need emotionally, they talk with their partner and all is well. Since the world, and people, are not perfect this sometimes does not happen. Sometimes the cheater can't even process that they are missing something, but still feel the buried emotions.
So a cheater is a cheater? Sometimes, but sometimes the cheater is also a person reaching out and reaches to the wrong place for what they are missing. People can change if they choose to change their environment. That's tougher then it sounds, but it's possible.
2006-10-03 10:03:03 · answer #2 · answered by Thomas 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It depends on his history. Is he a basically honest individual with morals and values that you respect? Has he in the past told you something and you found out he lied? Does he travel a lot and do you expect him to do this again? Depending on how you answered there questions then you know the answer. Lets say he was an alcoholic/drug addict even though he was not using at the time he is still considered an addict and therefore has to stay away from alcohol and drugs right? Would you believe him if he said that he was not using or drinking? Think about your response and his attitude and if you feel he is sincere than forgive him. If you think he is lying then end the relationship if that is what you want to do.
2006-10-03 10:06:54 · answer #3 · answered by victoria b 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I say get out of the relationship as FAST as you can. I know from experience that once a cheat always a cheat. I dated two different guys who cheated on me. I gave both of them a second chance and BOTH cheated again. From then on, I vowed to myself that I would never stay in a cheating relationship. If he really respected you, this never would have happened in the first place. Don't believe the lie about being lonely in NY, that is just bologna. If he would have come out to you without being "forced" to, MAYBE and that is a BIG MAYBE then you could give him a second chance.
This just sounds like a bad situation waiting to get worse. There are many other guys out there just waiting to find someone as amazing as you!
2006-10-03 10:02:28 · answer #4 · answered by cheermb22 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Who's to say he won't get lonely again? Sorry, but he probably will cheat again since you cannot be with him 100% of the time. To persue a relationship with him, you may have to accept this. But if you cannot deal with it then you need to move on, he lied to you, and liars and cheaters, are liars and cheaters. The reason I say this about your man is the reason he gave you...lonely? How long was he away from you 6 months?
2006-10-03 09:59:00 · answer #5 · answered by Kimberly V 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whether or not you can believe it depends on how serious he appears to be in making your relationship work and rebuilding your trust in him. Has he made his comings and goings more transparent to you - telling you exactly where he's going, with whom, and when he expects to be back? Is he back when he says he'll be? Has he offered to forgo some of his usual outings in favor of extra time with you? Does he understand why you suddenly want to look at his credit card statements?
Moreover, is he amenable to the idea of going to counseling with you, or at least to the idea of both of you going even if it's separately? Does he understand that the point of counseling is not to berate him for his transgression, but to figure out if it was the result of something that persists in the marriage (perhaps he continues to feel lonely and underattended) but could be resolved if it is brought to light and resolution is made a priority?
There are people who engage in extramarital sex and truly regret it and never do it again. And even those people might attempt to deny their actions if they're caught, justifying it to themselves as "it'll never happen again, so don't upset her by letting her know it happened this once". You'll know the keepers by the work they put into repairing the marriage.
2006-10-03 10:01:37 · answer #6 · answered by Katie S 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe. But it's interesting that he denied it until you showed him some evidence. Faced with that, he had no choice but to admit it. But do you think if he strayed again he would admit it? Or would he just be more careful that you didn't find out?
It's your choice, and only you know him on a day to day basis, but look carefully at his behavior and see how often he tells little lies to his friends or co-workers, or fudges on the rules when no one is looking. That will give you a better indicator into how trustworthy he is, than anything he says, or anything anyone on the internet says either.
Good luck -- and trust your intuition.
2006-10-03 09:58:21 · answer #7 · answered by old lady 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, I don't understand why ppl believe "once a cheater, always a cheater". Then, if someone drinks alcohol, does that mean they'll always drink alcohol? No. He can change if he wants. But it's up to you to realize if he's sincere or not based on how well you know him. But seriously, if his excuse is b/c he was "lonely," it's possible he'd do it again. But if his excuse was he was drunk and it just happened, it could be avoided from happening again.
2006-10-03 09:58:01 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Once a cheater...always a cheater. Just take a look at ol' Slick Willie Clinton for proof of this fact. Don't be a door mat like Hilliary Clinton. Throw the bum out and move on.
2006-10-03 09:57:59 · answer #9 · answered by An Unhappy Yahoo User 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Since he was not honest with you upfront when you asked, he just did not think he was going to get caught.... Then you showed him you caught him in a lie... to cover a lie... then another lie to try to cover the first one...so I would say yes he is a cheater for life.. He claims it is the first and last but you just have not been able to show proof for all the others yet... GOOD LUCK
2006-10-03 09:58:34 · answer #10 · answered by oracle 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Does that make him a cheater for life? That is hard to answer, but it does say a lot about his character. First he cheated and then he lied about it. Kind of makes it hard to believe that he will not do it again when you know he lied about doing it after he got caught.
2006-10-03 09:58:26 · answer #11 · answered by Suthern R 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋