I have a 3 year old boy... I need some advice.?

Question

When my son was 6mts, we moved in with my husbands parents. Their son (my brother-in-law) is 12, and has disorders, and he can not control his behavior. He yells and screams, and is very rude. My inlaws do NOT disipline him cause he wont listen. Now my son is 3, starting a new preschool, and is taking toys away from other kids and he is hitting and bitting, and also wont listen. My husband and I have tried everything that we can think of to help our son to understand that this behavior is not good. But he wont listen. My son looks up to my brother-in-law. I just could use some advice on what we could do to get this behavior he has picked up corrected. We have limited the amount of time our son spends with his uncle and grandparents, could this be a way of acting out cause we wont let our son see them? Some advice please, for a first time mother!!

We moved out of their house about 3 months ago.

Answer 1

I had a similar problem when my oldest son was 3 and an older cousin (5 yrs old) visited for the summer. The cousin ordered my son around, talked back and name-called incessantly. He wasn't really disciplined either. My son of course thought his cousin was hilarious, and imitated it. I was strict from the get go with time outs and loss of toys and even a smack on the butt when he said "I'm gonna kill you!" after hearing his cousin say it earlier. I was really striving to nip it in the bud. But older kids are a big draw, and I'm sorry to say that it took months of zero contact with this cousin before the name calling and rudeness stopped. It was like it would pop out of his mouth and instantly he knew it was wrong, but it was a bad habit. When we next saw the cousin and brattiness ensued, I made it a point to tell the cousin how rude he was being even if it was uncomfortable for his parents to hear. And I also made an example of my son when he again imitated and said within earshot of the parents "just because he does it, does not mean it's ok, that hurts people's feelings". Suddenly the parents began disciplining my cousin.
You might try telling your brother in law how rude he is being when your son is there listening, and even if the bro-in-law doesn't listen your son is, and you might even then quietly say to your son something like "big boys shouldn't act like that, it's not nice. I'm glad you are being so nice" before he has a chance to think the behaviour is cool.
It's doubtful that your son's behaviour is that he's mad about the limited contact. Kids are just big sponges at this age. If you haven't moved out already, try to find a way to, these are your son's most impressionable years and have an impact on the rest of his life, sometimes big changes are needed.

Answer 2

Sounds to me as if your brother in law has Turet's Syndrome, he can not help his behavior it's an illness and telling your son it's "bad" is really giving him the wrong message. Would you tell your son he was "bad" if he mimiced someone limping from arthritis? Would you tell your son he was "bad" if he attempted to use sign language like the deaf? You have to explain to your son that his uncle is ill which is why he acts the way he does. Your son will probably better understand than you do...kids aren't stupid. Your son isn't being "bad"...children learn from those around them, limiting time spent with his uncle really isn't a good idea for either one of them. You're only making the whole thing worse.

Answer 3

I don't think it's your son acting out but rather he's found himself a very bad role model. He sees this older boy getting away with murder, lashing out and acting rude without being disciplined and he's thinking 'well, if he can do it then so can I'.

What you need to do is discipline your son (using naughty chairs, timeouts, good behaviour charts and rewards) now because otherwise he might continue down this path and end up being labelled a troublemaker. You might also try to give him a very watered-down explanation about your brother-in-law not being very well and that's why he can be so naughty and that your son can help show him how to be a good boy.

But if this continues, maybe it's time you considered moving out since this other boy is not a good person for your much younger child to be around. If he's like this aged twelve then who knows how much worse it can get when he hits his teens and becomes even bigger and less controllable.

Answer 4

Discipline every time you see the behavior. This will take time. I have twin daughters and a 10 and 8 year old son. My 3 year old daughters behave like my 10 and 8 year old, both of which are ADHD. Time outs, taking his toys away, and being consistent. Also his preschool teacher may have some advice for you

Answer 5

I am not going to advice you to stop hanging out with your inlaws. I dont think that is the answer at all. I do agree perhaps limiting contact around him would be wise. It is to bad your inlaws wont disclipine their son. Even with a disorder he still needs boundaries, even more than a normal child. You just keep disclipining and keep it consitent with your son, it will get better. I bring my sons carseat in everywhere we go now, so that he has a traveling time out chair. Or a place of his very own just to chill out in. If your brother in law is getting out of control or being rude, take your son out of the room or for a walk to the park. Its a polite way of removing your son from the situation, and a subtle hint to your inlaws that your son shouldnt be around that. Also it is very stressful on a 3 year old child to be aroung that type of environment. I dont think it is a way of acting out. Children are so sensitive to the things around them. Just think of how it may stress you out at times, and multiply that by a 100 for your son. Take what you can use from this and leave what you cant. Good luck.

Answer 6

Move out of the house.If your in-laws wont set boundaries for the 12 yr old,then that is only going to reinforce his behavior which is teaching your son the same behavior.

Answer 7

It's good that you moved out. Talk to him and use your brother in laws name and say the that behavior is not going to be tolerated and there will be consequences if he follows them. use time outs or taking away a treat or toy. eventually he will get the message. Good luck. Also you can talk to your brother in law and tell him that if he wants to be around your family then he need to behave or he can't be around you.

Answer 8

A major part of discipline is learning how to talk with children. The way you talk to your child teaches him how to talk and act with others..Before giving your child directions, squat to your child's eye level and engage your child in eye-to-eye contact to get his attention. Teach him how to focus: say "Son i need your eyes please" Offer the same body language when listening to the child. Be sure not to make your eye contact so intense that your child perceives it as controlling rather than connecting, and you have to keep it brief because A three year olds attention span is so short.. Talk the child down
The louder your child yells, the softer you respond. Let your child ventilate while you interject timely comments: "I understand" or "Can I help?" Sometimes just having a caring listener available will wind down the tantrum. If you come in at his level, you have two tantrums to deal with. Be the adult for him. and then my favorite the one that requires repetiton is Use rhyme rules.
"If you hit, you must sit." Get your child to repeat them. and whenever he hits, bites takes toys away he has to sit.. and for a 3 year old sitting is going to really really feel like purgatory to them.. but when he gets up you sit his butt right back down in a corner.. and if he gets up again.. sit behind him and make sure he doesnt get up, and as your both sitting there then talk to him.. saying his behavior is not acceptable, and that if he wants to stop sitting he is gonna have to think like a big boy and be nice to people.. this worked for me, but every child is different.. i hope it works for you...
P.S. It took a while for me to learn to use a soft voice, that is the most important thing...

Answer 9

your son could be imitating what he saw his uncle do, or he could be stressed from the uncle's behavior and acting out on his own. i do think you should limit contact with the uncle, and deal with your own son's behavior. it's up to your inlaws to help their own son, but if they aren't doing it, don't let it hurt your child. i read a book called "the explosive child" and it's about how to deal with kids for whom regular discipline isn't working. some kids don't respond to punishments. hopefully your son will calm down. good luck.

Answer 10

his actions need consequences. he is old enough to understand time out or not getting a treat. my 4 yr old gets a snow cone everyday when I pick him up...let me back track, my older son 14 gets $$ for chores and the little one wants money too so he has to pick up his room each night b4 bed and he gets a dollar for the next day's snow cone. if I get to school and he was in trouble he does not get to spend his dollar. I have done that only 3 times this year, it seems to work. put your foot down and let him know now who is the boss. another example of consequence...my older son likes his privacy from the little one and he slammed his door twice in one night after I told him not to slam doors....the next day my husband came home from work early and took his door off....that was 4 months ago and he has not slammed another door...good luck and try parentcenter.com the registration is free and the info is very insightful