I'm so depressed.. Some please help me with my screwed up life..?

Question

I have been involved in an unhealthy relationship for over a year now. My boyfriend is a recovering drug addict and has bipolar disorder, ADHD. I have bipolar disorder, OCD, and ADD. When we first met he lied to me about being clean. He was still using and conned/stole money from me. He claimed that he was paying off his former drug dealers because they were threatening him. He told me that one put a gun to his head and demanded his money. I gave him money for this over some months, but after one dealer was ‘paid’ he always came across another one that he owed. I knew he was lying inside but I didn’t accept it. Our relationship was off and on and very painful. He abused me physically and verbally beyond belief. Sometimes punching me, burning me, and choking me for almost no reason while coming off of the drugs.

I fooled around on him with my ex boyfriends a few times in-between our fights and high school weekend break-ups, but we were still together technically. When he found out he hit me and said such horrible things to me that I broke down and groveled at his feet. He humiliated me so badly that I wanted to die and disappear. He pressured a knife to my throat and told me all he had to do was move to the left. I begged him not to with tears and fear in my eyes while his eyes were cold green. He lifted it up and then said I had a choice; he then coaxed me into taking a bunch of his pills and to overdose one them. I was so depressed that I didn’t care; I just want to be unconscious and not feel anymore. I slept for about 19 hours and woke up in a daze. He demanded I drive home but I was too dizzy to do so. He kept harassing me over and over again until I couldn’t take it anymore. I called the police because I just wanted to get out of the house. I was so embarrassed because his parents were there and they were upset, I was so ashamed of myself. The police questioned him and looked at the knife mark on my neck. They took me to the hospital, and I was stuck there for hours. I found out that they had only questioned him and left, even though he had done what he did to me. I was so alone and upset, I had to call my ex-boyfriend to pick me up all the way from another town about 40 miles away. He took me home and comforted me. I found out later that he told his parents only that I tried to kill myself because I cheated on me and he threatened me with words. I was heartbroken because he didn’t tell them the whole truth and they thought I was a total psycho.

He finally told the truth in the following months, and I found out that he had cheated on me too, accept that he had lied about it unlike I did. I found out that he stole money from me, and wasn’t paying off his dealers, he was just getting more drugs. After everything that happened, I found it hard to trust him again and still do. But today things are tremendously better. He has been clean for months and has been treating me so much better. The only problem is that now I have been angry at him for everything and can’t seem to open up and love him. I am mean to him almost all of the time now, putting him down about who he is. I’m dissatisfied with who he is, and let him now it everyday. I know I’m wrong to do this, and I really need to change. I always bug him because I don’t think he’s doing well enough. He is trying to stop smoking, but relapses every so often. He hasn’t had a job in two years and doesn’t really take care of himself as most people do. He didn’t buy me anything for Christmas or my birthday, not even an e-card and little things like that make me resent him. We still fight but when he gets angry he goes so far as in to beat me down until I want to die. I am mean but I stop at a certain point if he gets too upset or depressed.

Now, I’m upset because he won’t talk to me because he’s ‘fed up’ with my personality. We are both angry and want to find a solution but can’t seem to find one. We tried to break up but get too lonely and miss each other. I can’t make up my mind what to do and change everyday. I found out some horrible news last night that brought up horrible memories and created a conflict between me and my family. I haven’t talked to any of them out of sheer anger and bitterness so I have no one right now. I need him and he refuses to be there for me now. I am feelings so bad, have cried my eyes bloody, and have started to feel nauseated because I’m so upset. He hasn’t called me and blocked his number. Why is he so cruel? Why hasn’t he been there for me like I was for him when he needed me most? Why won’t he try to forgive me for my flaws like I try to do for his? How can he have been so cruel? What should I do?

I know, I've been slacking on seeing a psychatrist. I don't know why. The last one I saw was about a month ago, and she sucked, but that is no exuse. I need to stop procrastinating.

I might sound like a dumb teenager but I'm not. I'm actually a psy major and know better. But my illness just takes over my judgement and my behavior sways away from what is right. He is a good person and has been so great recently. I haven't been treating him like I should. I just can't forget the past. How can I forget it all?

Answer 1

I'm sure you are a smart girl, but your choices are questionable.
A relationship is all about love, caring, communication, growth, a sense of safety and nuturing. I don't see any of these things between you and your boyfriend.
Furthermore, all human beings have limits when it comes to physical/emotional abuse, lies, deception, etc... Basically, you've far exceeded that limit which explains your current state of mind.
You have A LOT of healing to do on account of what your boyfriend did to you in the past. You need to move on and treat yourself better. Fill your life with people you can grow with, who will alleviate your stresses rather then be the cause. You deserve much better then this.

Answer 2

Wow. You are both really messed up.

" We are both angry and want to find a solution but can’t seem to find one. We tried to break up but get too lonely and miss each other. "



The solution is... You need to break up and each get professional help.

Break ups are tough whatever the situation, but in time (hopefully after you get yourselves sorted) you'll find other people.
You don't seem to be missing him as a person, but for his company etc.
And he probably misses you because you bail him out, and put up with him.


You are both just too used to your situation, but that doesn't mean that it's a good situation and you need to get out now.
You know it already, just do it.

PS- You know what? It's like when you have a family heirloom or some object that really means a lot to you. It gets dropped and smashed into tiny pieces, you can't spend the rest of your life trying to put it back together. It just can't be done.
It will always be damaged. Even if you manage to fix it a bit it is still covered in cracks.
One day you have to throw the damn thing out. It will be hard but there's no use in keeping it if it's no good and seeing it just makes you feel bad.

You said in your Question that your life is messed up, well, you can fix it quite easily. In life we move on. Leaving this era behind and start a fresh.

You can't change the past but you can change the present and the future.

Answer 3

Honey, you need to talk to someone in person. I think the best thing for you to do is to not see him anymore. I know it hurts and it's lonely but it's for the best. I have been through this almost exact same thing. I was beaten and humiliated, cheated on and assaulted sexually. It took me so long to figure it out and I tore myself up about it. I too entertained the idea of suicide but realized that that won't solve anything. Just getting all that out is a step in the right direction. This "relationship" is not good for either of you. If you want to talk to someone just msg me and I'll give you my number.

Edit: I don't know if you will ever be able to forget. I haven't forgotten but it is something you will have to work through and hard as it will be to do, you're going to have to do it on your own. He can't help you. Forgetting is next to impossible but after time remembering becomes easier to bear. The damage may be irreversable and that possibility is one you will have to come to terms with. I can only tell you to take it one day at a time. It's going to be hard at first but as you move through each day it will get easier. I promise you that. As someone suggested earlier, keep a journal of what you're feeling, it helps so much to get it out whether you're writting it down or talking to someone.

You are not alone.

Answer 4

Holy ****.

Do you know the other ''good guys'' you are passing up?

Besdies the point.Get out of this mess and leave him be.Tell a family member of his that you are concerned and leave it up to his family.Otherwise,He made the choice and it isn't for you to fix.You seem to need fixing of your own.

Come on,You already know this is not a good thing.It is obvious you are filling in something that is missing and choosing just about anything.

Hope him the best.Go on a frikkin vacation or maybe stay somewhere at a family members place and get some down time.Get some therapy in there too.

Answer 5

Wow. and I thought I had it bad. You REALLY need to leave that guy. And quit blaming yourself for being mean to him...that's ridiculous. You have all the reason in the world to treat him the way you do. If you get lonely after you guys break up, go hang out w/ your friends or play a video game or something. That guy sounds like the biggest loser on the planet- even though I don't know you, I believe you can do much better.

Answer 6

Why is he so cruel? Why hasn’t he been there for me like I was for him when he needed me most? Why won’t he try to forgive me for my flaws like I try to do for his? How can he have been so cruel? What should I do?>>

Your expectations of him are based on your subjective view of how you feel someone should act - as in, you may not understand he processes things differently as a man and as a separate person.



I might sound like a dumb teenager but I'm not. I'm actually a psy major and know better. But my illness just takes over my judgement and my behavior sways away from what is right. He is a good person and has been so great recently. I haven't been treating him like I should. I just can't forget the past. How can I forget it all?>>


Forget? Oh no. You can't, so don't even go there. As a psych major why not sit and think about the word 'denial' for a minute.

You are having trouble with your emotions, right now everything probably seems like it's gonna fall on you while you slowly suffocate to death. K....are you in that special time of the month? Any med changes? Any extra stress from school? You need to stop using the boyfriend as your 'angry outlet'. If you don't find some support for the way you feel you will explode, implode and destroy all of your relationships most likely. Being bipolar means having so much emotional energy you can't see straight. And as smart as you are you can't do that yourself.

Hello bipolar, meet bipolar, hell we're all bipolar - what does that mean? Oh....we're sensitive, labile, selfish, self-consumed and lack the ability to sense how our actions affect others at times. Boyfriend loves you, he just doesn't know how to love you exactly the way you need to be - ALL THE TIME. How can he be so cruel? Everyone is cruel sometimes....everyone. You are, mom is, best friend is...so is the boyfriend. None of us are perfect although a lot of people in your age group sit in disbelief that people are actually crappy sometimes- but this doesn't mean you should hate them. This means he can't do what you need him to do right now. Have you thought you may be consuming too much energy for him - we all need to manage our own lives. And being bipolar means you can drain the life-force out of everyone around you with that emotional energy. Both of you having this wonderful 'personality characteristic' (haha) means it's going to take a lot of patience and probably some therapy to make things work 'well'. My advice? Stop blaming him for the way you feel right now and focus on what you need to do to fix the way you feel. Problems with the family as well? What's really up? You sound like you're ruminating over every little fault he has and every wrong deed he's done for the past year? You haven't let the Christmas thing go yet? Who's fault is this? Why are you with a man who doesn't give you what you need? Stop putting responsibility on other people for the way your life is. If he won't forgive you and treat you as decently as you treat him (if this is true, often we see things angled to our benefit ...he probably tells his friends the same things) --it is your fault if you don't stand up for yourself and set boundaries. If you don't stop this type of negative, defeated thinking your bipolar is going to get the best of you.

Besides, you answered your own question. Call you p-doc and your therapist right now. :-)

Answer 7

Get some help for the depression, get aware the past is done with ans start over. This the only day you can do something about is now is the time. Take care of Yourself firs , and your life will get better as you make better decisions. God Bless you.

Answer 8

like i always say you can forgive but you cant forget, definately dont give up on looking for professional help...I really think that u dont deserve all of this and life is hard enought to deal with as it is and to have someone like that on your side...my God, plz leave this asshole he has gone way too far, and when the curtin of respect is torn in a relationship between 2 people its almost impossible to get in back up...plz get some help and get out of this relationship its not good for you and you deserve better, keep your head up and love yourself enough to know that you deserve much better than what you have chosen to get yourself into...get some help and it will give you grounds to leave him cause I know its not easy, but the longer you wait the harder it is.,..

Answer 9

You seriously need to be talking with a professional, not internet junkies on Yahoo Answers. Go to the yellow pages and pick out a therapist. Call one or call many, find one you like and that you can afford. It may cost a bit, but you seriously need to spend the money on this to straighten yourself up.

Answer 10

Sounds like you are better off without him, stay away from him, forever!! Let the past be in the past and don't worry about why he is so cruel and has not been there for you. He has a serious problem and you will be better off in the end without him, or he will end your life for you!