i an in love with a widower an do not know how to get him to open up to me.?

Question

he is 36 an was married 4 years with wife 7 or 8 yrs to gather. he has 2 kids. he is a very shy man. she was killed april 2005. we started talking he thought he was ready to date an all was so good until we had sex, an he felt so guilty. an then he said he was not ready to date. we have been talking sence the end of may, i am a very open person to sex, i really like it an we have real good sex. he will start to open up some an then he closes up again. i try to understand what he is going through but some times he hurts my feelings, an he does not even know it. he is so confused with me. he likes sex an he has told me afew times he cares but then a week later he has another mood. we go 2 steps forward an 3 back. he is every thing i want in a man. he has always been shy an to him self alot, but when we first started talking he told me so much. he is such a good person, i do not want to push him away, an he is so scared to care. how do i handle this. he means alot to me.

Answer 1

He is obviously not ready to date yet, let alone have sex. Back off and let him do the pursuing or you will lose him. Some people take several years to get over the loss of a loved one, especially a beloved spouse.

Answer 2

A woman asked me once what was in it for her, in regard to our relationship. I would start with a softer version of that statement, followed fairly quickly by some statement that you are willing (don't say 'ready') to make more investment into the relationship but don't want to make an increased investment where there is little interest.

In any investment, one expect a degree of interest in return. But, if one back is paying 5% and another 3%, the investor places her money where there is greater interest. At some point he, the two of you, may need to talk to someone about 'getting over' a spouse's death; a minister or pro. counselor maybe

Hope this helps.

Answer 3

This is very difficult for him (and obviously for you too). I suggest putting the relationship aside for now and focus on friendship. Take a set amount of time - say 6 months - where you and he agree that you will not pursue a relationship together but you will continue to care about and be friends with each other. Keep to the six months very strictly. Then, at the end of six months ask him if he wants to be friends or lovers. Make it clear that he must choose one or the other, but he's not allowed to waffle between to two; if he wants to be your lover, he needs to agree to give it 100%; if he wants to be your friend, there will be no intimacy whatsoever. This keeps both your heart and his safe, and it give your relationship the best chance to work.

Answer 4

He is only regressing. You need to reinforce with positive views while he is with you. Get him interested into a hobby the you like and work together on it. He needs to find that common bond between you and he. Sex is always good but when a man has sex and cums, he is so relieved and forgets to feel personal to you unless you relax a few minutes and go down on him to get him hard again. Keep his interest in focus by physically showing him something of interest to him and talking about it . Something challenging you both consider an exciting and learning experience. Ask him to d you a favor that you can plan something in advance to surprise him.
A man is visual. Remember that. He has to see it.
You will begin to see a change in his interests to you only after he feels that common bond. Always wear something different and nice looking. Never dress tacky or sloppy like in a tee shirt of baggy pants.. Show him you know how to wear tight pants to show your buns off to him.
He will notice , I promise.

Answer 5

The man's wife died violently, has only been dead for 18 months and you're in love with him, having sex, and wanting him to open up for a relationship with you? Back off, please. Give the man and his children time to grieve and rebuild their lives. He needs grief counseling more than he needs sex- or anything else- with you. Show a little restraint, ok? Dear, you are the last thing this family needs in their lives. Let them alone. The kids lost their mother. They don't need to lose their father to the dating world with you right now.

Answer 6

You should be willing to just be his friend at this point. The sex and relationship part seems to be too much for him and pushing him will only make you suffer for what he hasn't had time to heal from yet. I would stop the sex and just spend time talking and getting to know one another.

I haven't dated in 2 years due to a past trauma. I REALLY needed this time and space to get my head on straight again.

Answer 7

You should take things really slow and not get sexual for probably a while. Get close and stay close but don't let things go past his comfort zone yet, eventually he will open up. If I was with someone for 8 years it would take a lot longer then 1 year to get over it, i would give him a few years.

Answer 8

If he means a lot to you then just be patient with him, its obvious he loved his wife very much and his feelings of guilt are going to come and go. he is obviously so not over this and he does need to seek some help besides you, you are too personally involved and he wont open up to you with certain things as so as not to consciously hurt your feelings. let him see a grief councilor, they really do help. His on and off sexual relationship is perfectly normal, try not to think badly of him, he is not intentionally hurting you, he is trying to get over this, and when he thinks he is he can have sex, then guilt overcomes him and you are back to square one.the urge is obviously there to try to build a relationship with you, he sounds like he wants to, so support him, be understanding and be patient. he sounds like he is worth the work and the wait.

Answer 9

You are going to have to give him time to deal with things, he really needs to get some counseling, however there is no easy way to tell him this. Try just leaving him alone for a while, if he seeks you out tell him that if he wants to continue the realtionship he is going to have to get help to get over these feelings. I know I sound cruel but the Wedding vows say " till death do us part" He has held up his end of that and he needs to move on or he is going to spend the rest of his life alone. Hope it works out for ya'll

Answer 10

I think you are doing what you can right now. Be his friend & let him come to you in a sexual way again when he is able to handle all that has took place in his life. Just be patient. They have always told me good things come to those who wait. So just sit back & be that shoulder to cry on when needed.