Wedding List Problems?

Question

My fiance and I are getting married in April of '08. We just finished with our lists. We both agreed that we wanted a small wedding since we have large families and are on a tight budget. Here is the problem. My mom and grandmother put a list together for me (which made me mad to start with) and my list is now huge compared to his. My fiance made a ton of sacrifices for his list and all I am hearing is "you HAVE to invite this person."

We cannot afford it and regardless of what my family says there financial help will be small. Is it rude to not want to invite my grandmother's relatives that I have not seen in 20 years?

Answer 1

The best way to handle guest lists is to divide the list into four parts.

Part 1 is the bride's list
Part 2 is the groom's list
Part 3 is the bride's family's list
Part 4 is the groom's family's list

After each list is gathered the 4 lists are consolidated down into 2 lists Part A and B. Part A is the absolute have to be there and have to invite list. Part B is the list of other people you wish to invite but can only invite if people on Part A can not attend.

Part A should only have people you are close to and a few (usually no more than 5) people from parent's jobs and extended relatives. This helps keep your cost down. As for mom and grandma you have to be firm and give them an exact number they can invite and once that number is filled there is no more adding. Tell them in your sweetest voice they can add more people if they are willing to pay the per cost price for each person they invite. Tell them that cost will include food, favors etc. That usually closes that sunject down quite quickly.

Hope it helps.

Answer 2

You can't afford it and going in to marriage while going into dept is not a good thing to start out your marriage with your new husband.

Have a talk with them, firmly but nicely state that you and your fiance made a list. You did make considerations on their list, but you discussed with with your future husband and still conclude a small wedding is what you two will have.

Then maybe think of a way for these other "members" to celebrate. Maybe a second reception or "family gathering" of other relatives being put on by lets say your grandmother/mom at their own expense as yours is at the max limit.

Answer 3

It is WAYYYY too early to be planning the specifics of an April 2008 wedding. The only thing you should be doing now is saving up money in the bank.

Tell everyone to cool their jets, and you'll met again to dicuss issues in March/April 2007. 12 months is plenty of time to plan.

It is always more polite to include as many interested people as possible and provide simpler refreshment at the reception (cake and punch or similar), than it is to serve dinner but have to exclude people from the invitee list.

There must be some reason that it is so important to your mom and grandmother that these family people be invited. You should remember that people remember wedding-related "snubs" for generations. It may be important for family peace, that you invite these distant relatives. Don't just think of yourself in this situation. Consider what your grandmother is saying. (They might not even attend-- maybe what is really important is just that the invitation is sent.)

Answer 4

ugh... what a mess. And depending on your culture, it could be even stickier than it appears.

If you and your fiance are paying for more than half the wedding expenses, I would say that you have grounds to keep the event small. Sit down with your Mom and Grandmother, tell them that (and I'm making up numbers here) you guys can only afford to invite 100 guests and that he has been able to pair his list down to 50, so you have to do the same. Then show them your list and prioritize. It sounds harsh, but how else do you do it? Immediate family, closest friends, etc etc etc. Try to work in some of their requests, but be clear that you have to stay within your budget and remind them that he has already "cut" people from the big day.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Rule of thumb when making cuts...
If you have not seen or otherwise associated with a person on your list in a year or more they are the first cut. Next would be those you are only "aquaintances" with (sure she may be a great friend of yours at work, but do you associate with her OUTSIDE of the workplace??), last should be close friends and family.

If you cannot afford to invite all the people your mother and grandmother want you to invite, TELL them that. Thank them for their list and be sure you send some nice announcements to those people so that they've been included, but they are NOT required to be invited. Announcements DO NOT have to be professional prints, if you remember the person well enough you can send a nice handwritten note "Just wanted to share the happy news..."
Weddings are a big deal to many members of society not just your mom and grandma.... love them and forgive them for their behaviour, and then move on with your OWN plans.

P.S. it is bad etiquette to invite them to any pre-wedding celebrations if you are not inviting them to the wedding, so do not invite to showers or rehearsals or anything either.

Answer 6

The age old problem - the guest list! Never fun and always a struggle.

The bottom line... when you are paying for the wedding then you have every right to limit the guests. If your mom & grandmother want to add to the guest list (above & beyond your list), then you need to let them know that under no circumstances will you pay for these people.

They are basically spending your money. It's always easy to spend other people's money!

It's tough because once you start your guest list it's easy to let it get out of control... you invite one and you need to invite another and so on and so forth.

Good luck!

Answer 7

No, it's not rude. It's rude of your mother and grandmother to hijack your guest list and insist that people they know are invited, regardless of your budget and their inability to pay for these people. Unless they are willing to fork over every expense, you need to put your foot down. Tell them you appreciate their help/support during this time; however, it is YOUR ceremony. Let them know that you and your fiance had already discussed the things you wanted, including the number of guests, and you'd like to have a wedding without having to pawn half the stuff you own to do it. Furthermore, you should invite those people who are really connected to you; people you haven't seen in 20 years or have no relationship with don't need to be invited. It's going to be looked at two ways, anyway: they're invited just because they're family, or they're invited for a gift. So, do what's best for you. The golden rule of wedding guest lists: "If they don't pay, they don't say!"

Congrats.

Answer 8

I recently got married and I had the same trouble that you are having. What my husband and I ended up doing was making a list according to our budget (about 100 people). We ended up inviting about 90 1/3 our friends 1/3 my family and 1/3 his. My grandma was furious with me that I didn't invite her brother who I only met once when I was about 8 years old. It was true craziness. Invite the people who are important to you. Do they call you on your birthday? Do you see them during the holidays? If not they are not playing a vital role in your life and don't need to be invited. Good luck resolving this issue!

Answer 9

If they want Great Aunt Sue's neice's neice, then let them come up with some money. I just gave my daughter a wedding, we sent out a lot of invites, but they were to people the couple knew and wanted them to come.

My daughter's grandmother-in-law wanted to do the same thing, and my mother too..so, we had to have a friendly little chat. No, we aren't inviting people just because.....we were inviting people that the couple wanted there. Now, we did send out invitations to several of the older Aunts and Uncles as a courtsey, but we knew not to expect them.

So, no it's not neccessary to invite someone you haven't seen in 20 years. And those people would proably be glad you don't send them an invitation, because they would feel the need to buy a gift for someone that they hadn't seen in 20 years. Tell Mom and Grandma, that you just can't afford to invite everyone, and that you are on a tight budget, and that means limited number of people you are inviting. They are from a time that you sent an invitation to everyone that even remotely was kinned to you. So, please be kind, but you are going to have to hold your ground...

God bless us all....

I ordered an extra 20 invitation to please the Grandma-in-law and I didn't recieve any rsvp from any of them, it was a waste of time and money...they proably didn't know who in the world who was inviting to a wedding-so they tossed it in the garbage...

Answer 10

You must realize that a wedding isn't just for the two of you, it's also for your families. It's a time for relatives and friends to get together to celebrate a family occasion. However, since you and your fiance are paying for everything, you have every right to give a "number" to each set of parents, and then have a "number" for each of you for your friends - and that number has to be totalling the amount of guests you can afford to have.