Step mom to disrespectful 11 yo step daughter.Father spanks about 1x per mo. Gives SM zero inuput. What to do?

Question

You and SD do many activities; go to films, shopping, sports, laugh, talk & bond. You assist SD nightly with homework/test prep. Husband works 90 hrs wkly & even when home doesn’t believe in doing activities with her other than watching TV. He says you’re “spoiling” the SD with your $$, energy & time. 4-5 months after she moves in you notice she acts disrespectfully but mostly to just YOU!. Examples: rude/aggressive demands 4 yr full attention even when yr listening to another adult, giving you silent treatment when reminded about a simple chores, telling you “shut up!” & many others You try everything, Nanny 911 tactics, parenting books, talking to her. You ask the father, he says: “There is nothing I can do! Handle it how you want and don’t bother me about it. And NO counseling ever!” That night U remind her it's time for bed. She says "NO WAY I'm not going to bed and keeps looking at TV" U say that she'll lose her tv time tommorrow. Her: "No I won't! Shut up!" Time to spank her?

Answer 1

Obviously in your opinion she needs spankings. Discuss with her father how many she may need over the next 2-3 weeks. Have him agree beforehand to spank her at your request.

Answer 2

When you spank a child you are sending a message that it is ok to use force. This is not acceptable. You had the idea right when you told her she would not be allowed TV time the next day.

But do you follow through, do you forget that you have told her this because she is in a better mood the next day? If this is the case she is playing you and knows you will not punish her, or take away a privalige if she is good for a while.

You might input that when she is rude she must apologize to whoever she was rude to, interrupting you when you have a conversation with someone is being rude and if you are not specific regarding what is rude and what isn't how is she to learn?

The father's attitude could have a lot to do with her behaviour, you must get him involved he may work 90 hrs a week but you work 24 hours 7 days a week when rearing a child and have to be monitor to behaviour 24/7. The child's job is to test her/his bounderies. Are you really serious about no counseling, your husband needs counseling and maybe you should go shopping with a friend and leave the SD with daddy for an afternoon and see how he deals with it, if he spanks an 11 year old,he needs counseling because an 11 year old can be reasoned with.

You also have to remember that you have to learn how to pick the things that are important to address. If you have too many rules she will rebel, I'm not saying not to punish but too many rules are stranglers, so pick the attitudes that needs to be addressed, such as being rude and disrespectful to you or her father is not acceptable and should be dealt with immediatly.

Children's rooms usually are not a good place for a time out as they usually have a stereo or computer and so on. Pick a quiet area where she can stay and think about her action and before she can leave she must understand why she was punished, otherwise it will not work. She is old enough to write essays on her rude behaviour and explain why she thinks she is being punished for it.

Ground her, if she is planning to attend a party, she no longer may due to her behaviour, give her options and stick to them. The father is not right, this is his daughter and is dumping all rearing responsibility on you. Not a nice man at all and needs to have his behaviour straightened out as well. Wouldn't want to be in your shoes, if you don't present a unified front this is why it is falling apart.

Answer 3

This comes from personal experience and also in raising my son. When it comes to discipline, CONSISTENCY is KEY!!!! not only does your daughter have to know where the limits/ rules are, YOU HAVE to enforce the rules/limits. Inconsistency will make her "think" that if she got away with (you fill in the blank) this time, maybe she can again. I'm not going to say spanking is wrong, because it DOES work, both for me as a child and growing up and also for my son. BUT, it NEEDS TO BE DONE IN LOVE RATHER THAN IN ANGER OR FRUSTRATION. Whatever method you decide to use, sit your daughter down, explain what she has done wrong, administer the punichment, and then she does need to ask forgiveness as well as an apology. Just remember, Consistency is the key. Children sometimes get the best of us and we ALL need a little help every now and then.

Answer 4

ok, now i would never condone the abuse of a child....however, it sounds like your child of a husband needs a swift kick to the a**.....how dare he put you in complete charge of his child, and give you no help in disciplining her. Unacceptable. It sounds like the child is acting out because you are probably the only parent attention she has had in a long time, and she is trying to get her father's attention as well. I feel that if you get her father in the picture, instead of quality TV time, her behavior would completely change for the better.

If that doesn't work, crack her a good one. My parents spanked me from time to time.....i turned out fine. And to be completely honest, i think they should have spanked me a little more often. Kids need boundries, that is your job as a parent....and I mean both of you.....not just you. Your husband needs a wake up call. Take a weekend vacation without either one, and let your husband deal with her on his own for a few days. See if that changes his tune.

Answer 5

She's too old to be spanked. Loss of priveliges is usually enough at that age.

You told her she'll lose her tv tomorrow, so I guess she needs to lose the tv, follow through!

However, it sounds like there's more going on with her. Some of this sounds like normal pre-teen attitude, but I think it's more than that and probably related to dad's lack of involvement. Maybe she's resentful about dad and is just taking it out on you. She's also having issues with this transition of living with you. Before, it was probably fun, you were "dad's girlfriend", now you're "stepmom"

Where's her birth mom? Could it have to do with that? Even if it was never a problem before, girls go through different things at various stages, especially at 11 when they are entering puberty

If dad is unwilling to check-in and deal with this, then you should do what ever you see fit. If you think counselling would help, do it - you can go just you and her.

And, you're not spoiling her! Kids need love and attention, and it sounds like you're the only one giving her that. Don't back off, maybe she's trying to push you away, but you need to show her that it's not possible for her to push you away.

But seriously, don't spank! It will ruin her trust in you and will cause her to rebel even more, which you don't want to happen as she is about to become a teenager. You want to keep the relationship good because you want her to be able to come to you when she's thinking of having sex, or her friends are experimenting with drugs and she's curious. and talk to dad about him not spanking either! Good luck

Answer 6

It seems to me that your stepdaughter is spoiled rotten and has found a way to get around your rules. If the father is pretty much not in the picture, at least of no value, then you need to be consistent. When you say no then it should be no always. Set the standard and don't lower it. When you say "do this or no tv tomorrow", mean it even if you have to lock the tv in your room. She obviously must depend on you for activities, money and any other help. If she wants your help she needs to be a help to you. Don't let her run your house!! Remember, be consistent!!!!

Answer 7

You are in a downward spiral with her and you are right, her behavior, while somewhat typical for her age, is improper and must be corrected or she will be an insufferable grownup who can't function - and that's after your marriage is ruined.

Now, my kids would never refuse when I tell them to do anything, and we have never hit them, but we started with them from birth, with loving guidance, reasonable expectations, an opportunity for them to express their feelings, human milk and mommy's arms on demand for years - these are the building blocks.

You're starting on the fifth floor! after someone else's construction. In a building that has taken a huge emotional hit, having to deal with a divorce/death/abandonment???

My reaction to the t.v. refusal would have been to unplug the tv and stand there until she left the room. If a child is defiant today you don't tell her she'll loose t.v. time tomorrow. That is WEAK and you've told her you're scared of her defiance. Even when you are, you must hide it.


RUN RIGHT OUT and get the book "HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK!!!!"

This is a wonderful, short book with lots of illustrated examples and lots of little questionnairres to help you think through the situation. There is no better book for teaching a parent how to be respectful and strict at the same time.


When a parent spanks a child, they have failed. On top of that, Spanking an eleven year old is sexual abuse. She will surely end up taking out ads for men to spank her one day. Spanking does not work, it lowers the IQ, it causese RESENTMENT, ends COOPERATION, and teaches that people who love you can hit you.

Answer 8

It is past time to spank her. But before doing so have another talk with the father and make sure he is cool with this and you doing it. If he thinks spanking should be an option get details on what he considers a "spanking"--open hand, paddle, belt, clothed or bare bottom, how many, etc.

Then both of you should together tell stepdaugher the new rules--why and for what it will happen.

Good luck.

Answer 9

she doesnt sound any worst than any other 11 year old. i remember what i was like. being step anything isnt easy. i think shes doing what shes doing to just you is b/c she loves you and is afraid to show you.it sounds like your doing all the right things keep going it will work itself out. i think lots of it is the age. you want to be an adult and think you are but really not.stand strong tell her to not to talk to you like that. shes to old for spanks i would start taking friends tv radio hair dryers makeup whatever it is that shes enjoys.away from her.keeps looking at the tv i would shut it off and stand there in front of it. yeah what now go to bed

Answer 10

step parents should never spank stepkids. It leads to no good. Take other actions, like shutting the TV down, taking the remote away, unplug it, stop giving her money, there's a lot of things to do to punish this type of behavior. Do not be so nice anymore, do not help with schoolwork, do not take her out. Give her a respectful but cold treatment, no more spoiling! When she says Shut up! talk to her into understanding she is just a kid and that you deserve respect. Maybe you could watch the movie Stepmom with Julia Roberts, there, the stepdaughter is very nasty to Julia R. and she really talks this girl and makes her feel that she is the adult and knows better.