How to get my son to get along with stepfather?

Question

My son and husband can not get along at all I have tried talking to them about this but nothing I try saying seems to work I really feel stuck in the middle my son is eleven years old is there any one out there who has any ideas I also have three other sons one is my husbands and the other two is my exhusbands and they really get along with my husband

I should have added that my exhusband has passed away .

Answer 1

I grew up in a step family environment, and my mother tryed at one point to forse us to get along with her new man, thing is its now our responsibilty as children to like or ever love the other man. We fought like crazy me and this guy, and my mom finally one day said enough is enough, "Guy" your the adult here, if you can't get along with all my kids then sorry but my children are more important than your feelings" When I saw that my mom wasn't going to let this ruin anyone's life I personally tryed to get along with the guy and eventually we became friends. But I think what my mother did what right, I was a child being forced into a new life whether I liked it or not and even though her happiness and my behaving were important. She saw that I, her child was having a hard time and being my parent stuck by me, talked things through with me. My "step" parent also learned at that moment that even though my mother loved him dearly, he'd be put out if he couldn't get along with me.
I hate that my mother had to take any sides, but as a mother myself now, I would do the same. Well that was my experience.

I think some alone time with you and your son would be great, perhaps counseling like others mentioned. Let your son speak freely without feeling he has no choice except to get along with the man you married.

Live, Love, & Laugh,
Michelle

Answer 2

They'll have to create a relationship on their own terms. Your son is probably testing how committed to your family your husband is. Don't try to force them on each other. Tell them both to remember the old addage "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". All your husband can do is be there for your son when he needs him. If all else fails, take your son to a counselor to get things off his chest. Maybe the whole family should go even if they do get along with your husband. That way your son doesn't feel as if he is being singled out or as the root of the problem.

Answer 3

Maybe family counseling would help if all of the interested parties would attend. One strong peice of advice I would offer you is that I don't care how much you may want to, do not get caught going up against the other in front of the other. Don't let your son hear you discussing the issue with your husband. You must also present a united front to your son. If you feel that your husband has said something or did something to your son that you may not agree with, be careful to take care of it in private. The worst thing you can do is choose sides. Don't, they must find common ground and build on it!

Answer 4

Im 19 and my whole life it has been just my mother and my siblings. She just started dating and since she has had anther child. The change is hard to deal with. I worry about my mother's feeling getting hurt, but the main reason we dont get along is because I dont feel like he belongs in our family. "He's not my father" thats all I can think about, but because my mother seems to like him I try to tolerate him. Thats all that can be expected the rest will have to come in time. Dont talk to you son not about being friends remeber you cant make him like someone. You have to tell him he must respect your husband and the same for your husband. Have you told them that their fighting is hurting you? If they both love you, as they should, neither should want to be the reason you are unhappy. I hope all of this helps. Good Luck.

Answer 5

Maybe family counseling would help. All of you go, even the ones that get along, it will give you a time to talk out loud , especially your son, without punishing him for being mean! Same goes for the new husband!

Answer 6

YOU chose this man. Your son did not. He may not have wanted this man in his life at all - but he has no choice.

Therefore, it is the adults' responsibility to leave the kid alone. Don't try to make them friends. They may never like each other but is it really such a big deal? Just so long as your son knows how much you love him, that is all that is important.

Try not trying anything at all. Give the boy plenty of space, love, respect, and privacy and leave him be.

Answer 7

He's angry or he hates you with a new man. Your husband should not engage in childish banter with the boy and be the MAN!!!!!

Right now you need to get them respecting each other, THEN work on friendship. Do you expect your husband to be their father...if so STOP, especially with this boy who wants HIS dad back (I'm just assuming of course). Your husbands favorate words to him for now should be "ask your mom".

Perhaps taking him to speak with a counselor. This all sounds like he's dealing badly with the way things have turned out: his dad dying, his mom falling in love and having another baby...please don't write him off as a delinquent. With steady work, 6 months you probably won't recognize him.

Answer 8

Patience, if your son is 11, it is harder than any age. Don't force the relationship. and don't worry: take it easy, Probably your son is very sensible, try to be a good mother give him a hug and a kiss and tell him how much you love him: respect his feelings. The same with your husband, don't force the relation between them, let them be spontaneous.

Answer 9

Find out what interests they like and have in common if they share anything well make a plan for them to bond.
If that doesn't work use urself as a motive of their friendship.

If that dosent help ask show them this question and they will realise how much their realationship means to you

Hope it works out:)

Answer 10

Never use the term "stepfather" again; he's your husband; you chose him, they didn't. The only ones who are allowed to call him "stepfather" are your kids and they'll do it when they're good and ready.

Tell your husband not to be a parent to him, don't tell him what to do, you do the disciplining not him. Tell your husband NOT to tell you when he does something wrong, don't "rat him out". Tell your husband to just offer friendship and kindness, that's all. Eventually, he'll come around, again, when he's good and ready.