My girlfriend says i have been mean and selfish.?

Question

Well... Lets start by saying me and my girlfriend have been through alot together(ALOT) I've helped her get out of the biggest slump in her life. I'll admit i've been being very selfish and controlling, For the past 3 weeks. And she would always tell me that im really causing her alot of pain mentally.. But the asshole side of me wasn't listening to her side. I was always telling her the things she did wrong... or could have done better, Or should i say Highlighting them. And never the good things she has done. Just to make it short i was being a real asshole, along with hanging up on her. She told me she loved me once and i replied with **** You! Because i was so upset.
Sunday she finally got through to me.. And I have realized that i was being unbearable.

Why i come here with my problem is, Now that i've said im sorry and promise to be the man she fell in love with.. She is afraid to forgive me because she thinks.. That mean side of me will come outagain

My question is What can i do to convince her.... She is so afraid that im not being honest.

.... I feel so bad inside, when i look at how mean i was being. Because she only deserves the best. I can't even sleep, I told her she should leave me because i don't deserve herlast night. And she said she can't because she loves me too much. I feel like crawling into a hole and dying.

Answer 1

It might. There is no excuse for what you have done. You can't just hope you do better, you need to know how. You can get some counselling if you like. Some of the things they will probably tell you.

Take responsibility for your own feelings and actions. Her too. If she can't forgive and you are doing your best, maybe it just isn't a healthy relationship for either of you anymore.

Wait to talk to your GF until you are calm and if things get heated, take a time out. Both of you should have this right to stop a discussion if one of you is starting to lose it.

Actions speak louder than words. You will have to prove that you are changing, because it is your words that have hurt her.

Catch people being good. If you are in the habit of making a big deal out of things you don't like about the other person, stop it. It is just giving attn to the negative behavior. I WISH people knew how powerful it is to give attention to the right things. It is a fundamental principle of psychology. Not just for kids trying to outgrow tantrums or lab rats learning to get through a maze. If you consistently look for and compliment others for what you LIKE about them, they will try harder and harder to please you. Good for both.

You each deserve to be your own person. She has her life to live, you have yours. You each should have your own money, time, interests, hobbies, friends, and space, in addition to sharing some of all those things. Everything doesn't have to be OURS just because you are a couple.

You are both making choices. If you are not an asshole to everyone but you are to her, you are targeting your girlfriend to take out your anger. You pick on her because to some extent you can. This isn't OK. And by the same token, if she is not ordinarily a passive person except with you, she is choosing to let you control her. This is not OK either. In this way both are contributing to a type of abuse.

Realize that abusive patterns are on a spectrum and they tend to increase if not checked. They involve power and control in the relationship and start remarkably subtle. If you are doing things like this, in particular you need to recognize and OWN the fact that you are on the abusive path and it could get worse. It doesn't mean your relationship is doomed, it doesn't mean you are a horrible person. It means that you have some habits to address about yourself and they are somewhat addictive...someday when the yelling doesn't satisfy you, you may hit her, or when you can't exert your control the way you are used to, you will step it up to something even more unreasonable. These things are not bound to happen, you have the power to stop them NOW.

You need to realize that your GF deserves to feel loved and safe, just like you do. Relationships are supposed to be about supporting each other. At the same time, neither of you are responsible for the other's happiness. You can influence it, but you can't create it.

It will also help if you learn how to communicate responsibly.

Starts with recognizing your own emotions and knowing how you feel when you interact with your GF. I say this because it sounds like you are prone to anger...this is a copout emotion. There is almost always something more touchy underneath anger and you need to explore it and feel it. These emotions are harder to admit to, esp being a man, esp when you aren't used to it. But all emotions are acceptable and valid, you don't have to jump to anger.

There is a great chart that has cartoon faces. Here it is.

http://www.ctherapy.com/xl_image.asp?ProductID=P1010

In addition here is a good list of emotions for you to consider.

http://www.my-therapist.org/emotions.htm

Knowing how you feel is important, it will help you watch your words and actions before you do or say something you don't mean to do or say. And know that your moods and feelings are NO excuse to do or say anything, and no one can make you feel anything. You don't have to act on your emotions.

After that, try expressing yourself appropriately. Use a feelings statement.

"I feel ___ when ___. I think I feel this way because ____. In the future I will ____."

Breaking it down a little so you know how to fill in those blanks.

I feel...is to state ONE specific emotion.
When...is to describe the situation.
I think...is to link the situation and the feeling to the way you usually handle things or things that have happened in the past, or to just dig a little deeper.
In the future...is to make a positive and specific plan that you can execute. It does NOT mean I won't or I hope or I should. It calls for action in an area that you can control.

Using I feel statements can help you a lot. Practice them and teach your GF. I promise your communication will improve.

If you truly care about each other, you will go to the trouble of learning how to communicate and do something about it. You both can change things.

Answer 2

It's great that you realize you have a problem, and you've made a promise to treat her right. Now comes the hard part. She has every right to distrust you with regard to your treatment towards her. You didn't say you broke up which means you are still together and have a chance. You're going to have to give her lots of time to learn to trust you again with her feelings. The only thing you can really do at this point is to treat her with respect and love. Think very carefully before you speak. Be open when and listen carefully when she explains how you hurt her. While it may not sound harsh to you, it may be harsh to her. Encourage her to talk to you while you only listen

Answer 3

i was actually in the same situation as your girlfriend. it is very hard to be in that position.. its really gruelling...

your mean side is something that is part of you. you can try to stuff it into the back of your mind but it will always come back until you learn how to control yourself. talk things out and LISTEN.

there is no guarantee that it will never come back and at this point i really dont blame her for being afraid. all you can do is ask her for a second chance and that if you're ever mean to her again then tell her from the bottom of your heart that you want her to move on and find someone who will truly appreciate her.

Answer 4

Naturally, she'll want you to spend time with her, but it sounds as if you try very hard to do so already. It may not be as much as she wants, but she'll have to deal with that, or end it. If she wants to end it, there is little you can do about it. Anyway, you're right, and wrong, about how she perceives you. You certainly do seem to have a schedule and have been doing this since you started going out, but you have to make sure to compromise to her interests too since she is now a factor in your life. You showed that you are willing to do this by going to the party to meet her friends (from a girl's view-point by the way, telling her you'd rather go elsewhere CAN be offensive). She now needs to show she understands where you're coming from with the gym. Talk it over with her. Let her know the gym is important to you, and find out what's important to her. Then ask what is important to her in the relationship, and see if you guys can't find common ground.

Answer 5

Sounds like you hav a big mess to clean up.
You've in a way betrayed your girlfriends trust and undone all the good you did before. There's no easy way to pick up those pieces, you cant force it or rush her. If you really love your girlfriend you probably need to back off just a bit and give her some space. Show her that you can be there for her unconditionally not just tell her. Let your actions do the talking.

AND my boyfriend sometimes has that same a**hole quality. It pisses me off...so get rid off that.

Answer 6

Hey, here's an idea... now that you've dug yourself a hole, how about jumping in and staying down there until you figure out how to actually be the guy she fell in love with... it will do her well, because then she'll have time and air to breath... and to realize she doesn't need you, and you'll have time to see that you shouldn't be dating any women until you see that you are a jerk, and then you change it... spare the rest of us!!! and tell her that she can do better than you for me k?!

Answer 7

And she'll keep on thinking that until you prove her otherwise. And that doesn't mean only ask for a second chance. Show her that you really care, and that you'll be there for her no matter what. Even if it means just being (good) friends for a while.

Answer 8

You can't really blame her. After all, you did put her through hell for no apparent reason. You should work on finding out why you treated her like that and solve whatever it is inside of you that caused you to be miserable and act that way towards her.

Answer 9

She is correct you aree an @sshole and no matter how hard you try it will always surface. The best thing you can do is let her go instead of dripping all over her with your so sorry attitude and pathetic character flaws xx GOD BLESS YOU

Answer 10

Explain to her that you understand you were being a jerk. Also tell her that you want to try again and try to listen to her more. Good Luck.