What to do about everyone else wanting to run the wedding?

Question

I only got engaged a few months ago, and I am not getting married for about 20 months. Already, family members--in both his and my families--are telling us what we have to do/provide (see: FULLY open bar) and who we have to invite. Our guest list has already gotten out of control, but they're all relatives! I have tried speaking both rationally and a bit angrily about this, especially about the price, but the response I get is always, "Well, weddings are expensive."

I should add that we are both college students, and we are paying for part of the wedding. Our parents are also putting some in, so we understand that we do need to make some concessions because of that; however, their input is not enough to cover everything.

At this point, I'm even considering a "Screw you!" attitude and doing things my way, but I fear that would be a dangerous route to take. How can I be sure my wedding is what I want while causing as little family conflict as possible?

Haha, I just realized how many times I said "I" and not "we." This is very much a team effort for us. I have told him to shoot me if I become Bridezilla, and I believe he would! :-)

Answer 1

I suggest that you thank everyone for sharing their opinions/suggestions (make sure to word it this way so they know that you are only CONSIDERING what to them are the "have tos"). Depending on who is helping you out financially, they deserve at least a discussion about their ideas purely from a courtesy standpoint (after all, they're helping you with your day).

Primarily I suggest that you sit down with your fiance, figure out a budget and STICK TO IT. Then, if people tell you that you "have to" provide an open bar or invite Aunt Martha to your wedding (or anything else), you can simply say, "Thank you for the suggestion, but that doesn't fit in our budget." If the response is, "Well weddings are expensive," you can ever so sweetly follow up with, "Yes, they are, and we have a plan and a budget that we are sticking to. However, if it's important to you that an open bar is provided, we'd be more than happy to accept your financial assistance for that purpose." Tell them (NICELY! :) ) to put up or shut up. Good luck!!

Answer 2

Ultimately, you are the bride and it is your day. On the other hand, you have your parents and future in-laws that you do not want to alienate. So review all the details of your wedding and what choices you want, classify these into categories - must have, nice to have, not a big deal. Would you be happy to get all your "must haves" and some of your nine to haves while also allowing a few must and nice to have from the parents side. As a bride, things will not go the way you want, it will be all in how these issues are handled that will make the event. In fact as the bride, you won't half the things that were not correct but still viable replacements.

My keys to the successful wedding - 1 - An amazing and talented DJ 1a - You as the bride needs to look absolutely stunning, 2 - good finger food/appetizers for guests prior to your arrvial at reception, 3 - keep the bar open throughout the night (bascially do not close during the dinner hour), 4 - after you are introduced, get all your dances over with bride/groom, bride/father, groom/mother so dance floor opens to everyone else.
Once the dinners are served and over, your DJ will get your reception started for a night you will remember. Lot's of group dancing with the in-laws and stuff. Enjoy and good luck!

Answer 3

I had the same problem - once they found out that we were getting married - the phone calls started. Both my side and his side wanted their say. And since both sides wanted to help so much, I gave them each a huge task to do. My parents who are caterers - I gave them the food to handle. And they did, with a minimum of cost and few phone calls. My Mom-In-Law was great with decorating - so I let her handle the floral arrangements. I was very firm with my color selections - but let her have her head in how to use them. And when it came to the invitation list, my husband to be and I chose the venue for both the wedding and the reception. We found out how many it would hold. Then we made a list of people we wanted to invite. Subtracted that from how many it would hold and split it between the two families saying that they could invite anyone they wanted as long as they didn't go over the number we gave them.

Mostly - I found that the only way I could handle it all was with patience, a firm hand and a definete idea of what we both wanted. And once they were presented with both him and I in a unified front as to what was important and what wasn't - it got easier. I also found that I really had to think about what I really thought was important - and if it wasn't - why argue about it. You really don't have to be in control of every little detail - give them some leeway and you might find that it reduces your stress and gives them some freedom to do what they want and feel like they are contributing to the wedding. Best wishes and good luck. I'm sure it will be a very special day.

Answer 4

Oh, what fun. We paid 100% for our own wedding (about nine months ago, so it's still fresh in my mind and checkbook!) so avoided some (but not all) of this.

When you figure out what your budget -- that is, what you and your fiancé can put into it -- is, and you figure out what the parents are kicking in, figure out what you can do for THAT total amount. If it doesn't include open bar, and you can only do, say, wine and beer, then so be it. If it doesn't allow you to invite every distant cousin and great uncle, so be it.

Then, when someone says "Well, you have to do X" you can just say "Listen, based on what we can put in and and you/our parents/my future in-laws have committed, we can't afford to (insert annoying request from family here). If you are willing to pay for that, we can do it. Otherwise, I'm afraid it's out of our budget."

And then, if someone wants to invite Great Aunt Kizzy, and it's really important to them, they can give you extra money.

Granted, it may never work out that easily. At some point, you're just going to have a come to Jesus talk with the unfunded mandaters, and tell them that it is your wedding, and you are delighted that they are supporting it financially, but there are some things that because it is YOUR wedding you must have, and the rest you cannot afford.

Nothing good will come of it. One of the problems is that you're planning things soooo very far in advance. You're giving people two years to screw with you. Option B is to put all wedding planning on hold except the location (ceremony and/or reception) until, say, the one year mark. That will at least halt the conversation.

GOOD LUCK!

Answer 5

Hello!! I'm in the same boat you are. (Wedding is Dec. 9th.)

It's funny because when I agree with other people, I'm a blushing bride, but when I disagree, I'm being unfair, unreasonable, and Bridezilla of the year!!!

1) You have to understand that people LOVE weddings. Some of those people are very selfish, and they just want to take credit. Some of them literally just want to help.

But, let me remind you that this is YOUR WEDDING, not theirs. If they're already married, then they had their chance. If they're not married, then they will. But this is YOUR time, YOUR special day, and honestly, how will it make you feel to get married and have everything done someone else's way?

Everyone has their own visions of what they think a wedding should look like, and the best answer that I've found for people is "Thank you for that idea, I really appreciate it". This way, you're not promising that their idea will be used, nor are you blowing them off.

2) In regards to weddings being expensive ... They don't have to be. My parents are paying for the reception, which is a large chunk, I know, but they are not doing anything that I don't want. But my fiance and I are paying for the rest of the wedding, and we've found many convient ways around the bigger costs--we found a DJ that we know, we're using a family friend as a photographer, etc etc etc.

3) It is YOUR guest list. Yes, it is tradition that you should invite almost every member of your family, but ... well, I'm not inviting a certain clan branch simply because they haven't invited me to any of their weddings. It's not out of spite. It's out of the fact that they obviously didn't think of me when they were having their weddings, so therefore, I don't want to embarrass them by sending them an invite to mine.

Don't worry about hurting your family's feelings, as long as you're doing it in a nice way. Two of my cousins were *insanely* jealous when they found out another cousin is being the flower girl, and although they want to be in the wedding, and their parents apparently think they should be in the wedding, I have told them that unfortunately, my wedding party is full up, but if they would like to help with passing out programs or some such little task, they are more than welcome. That sated them.

I was hurt when my cousin went off to Hawaii to get married and I couldn't go, but I understood that, well, they were in Hawaii, and I wasn't going to be able to make it there. I eventually got over it. So will YOUR family.

Good luck, and if you need ANY support in dealing with your family members, email me. I totally understand what you're going through.

PS--since your wedding is so far in the future, the family members will eventually die down with their proclomations and exclamations ... keep using the "I'll think about that, thank you for your idea!!" until everything dies down. You don't have to finalize your guest list until about three months before the wedding.

Answer 6

Like it or not.. having a wedding is a family affair. It's probably the first, and maybe the last, time that both of your families will celebrate an event.

Take time to listen to what people have to say...but make the final calls yourselves. Don't underestimate tradition... you'll be wanting to pass on some of those yourselves someday ;)

Note, I didn't say yourself. Marriage is a partnership, so if there is trouble in just planning... the 2 of you should work on resolving the problems.

For my wedding, I kept my Mom and my Mother in law busy and out of the majority of it by giving them each an event. My Mom was in charge of the after party (next day, at her house, to open gifts, eat breakfast etc) and my MIL had the Rehearsal Dinner.

Good luck and congratulations!

Answer 7

My wife and I are not talking to some of her family 13 months after our wedding for this very same reason. Some of her family, her mother in particulalr, thought they had a say in our wedding. My mother-in-law couldn't respect any decisions my wife and i made. It was a nightmare. If your famly cant freely give you the gift of a wedding, especailly if your paying for part, just pack up and head for Vegas. They are not going to have this type of influence in your marriage, why should they get it in your wedding. The day after its all over and your married, it will be just the two of you, if they all think they get a say in your wedding then don't give them the benfit of being a part of it. Do what is right for the two of you now and don't let your family tear you two apart up until the wedding. It will only start you both out on the wrong foot, trust me, my wife and I are still dealing with it and we planned out wedding in 4 months.

Answer 8

No, you do no longer could flow away until now absolutely everyone else. in actuality, i've got not been to a marriage the place the bride and groom flow away until now the visitors. for my area, this is impolite! maximum couples stay to the tip for a similar motives you have listed. they could desire to make particular each and every thing is settled and particular products make it back homestead. So, you're no longer breaking any rules or custom. i could announce a final dance, so as that visitors comprehend the reception is ending and it's time to flow homestead. Then, ascertain which you do stand outdoors or close to the door, and say goodnight to visitors. After that, then do the cleansing up.

Answer 9

The prob is you and your man didn't wait until you were financially stable enough to pay for your own wedding. Maybe you still can - make a budget between the two of you, downsize everything to close family and friends - then you can be totally in control. If you are mature, be mature and get what you want for your wedding, on your terms, on your dime.
If you are not willing to put up, then there are some things you are going to have to let go of.

Answer 10

Well me sister is getting married October 18th and she has a similar problem she wants just family members to come to the wedding. And every one is inviting people she doesn't even know What she did is told every on the invitation that you cant bring any people to the wedding and that she told everyone that's its her wedding and no one else's. Congratulations on your engagement.