15 year old bully...?

Question

My niece is a troubled teen. When she was only 5 she witnessed the murder of a family member and even had blood all over her. Her mother and father abandoned her shortly after and she now lives with my oldest brother and his kids but everyone (other relatives) kind of takes a part in helping to take care of her (financially). She has been going to counselling since the murder and has everything a teenager could possibly want. We show her so much love and we've all had to be counselled just to know how to deal with her. She has always been a trouble maker, constantly fighting other kids, cursing at her teachers, walking out of class when she wants, disrespecting adults left and right. She is known as "the school bully" and we don't know what to do. At our wits end. She has had priveledges taken away, no TV, study for the entire day, soap in the mouth, even boot camp but nothing works. Any advice?

We've talked til we're blue in the face. My family continues to do so much for her (and all the other kids in the family) because that is how we've always been. Yes, I admit to her being spoiled but all the kids in the family are. She's the only one who behaves this way but for obvious reasons.

Answer 1

Witnessing any murder, but especially the murder of a family member, I can only imagine, is very traumatic. Not something that is just going to go away...not even over time. Time doesn't really heal all wounds. Add to that the abandonment of both parents and this child has had to grow up dealing with anger, betrayal, hurt, disillusionment, a loss of innocence, violent images, fear, etc... I can't imagine what goes on in her head growing up and having witnessed a murder. I can, however, imagine what she must feel because her parents abandoned her. Mine did, as well. It's a difficult thing to reconcile - it took me almost 20 years to do it and some days I'm not sure I really have. No matter what we tell ourselves, no matter how secure and confident we become, it still hurts to think that our own parents didn't love us enough to keep us. That we missed out on having a "normal" family and all that goes with that because we were left alone. It's tough. I am a strong person - that's come with time. I also have figured out how to love myself and feel secure in who I am - to know that my parents issues were theirs, not mine. It wasn't about me. That took a really long time and a lot of life experience to realize. It may be that your niece will need the same - time and experience to know it's not about her. She may not be able to feel love from anyone else for a very long time - no matter how much the family shows her. Intellectually she may know she is loved, but her heart may not let her feel it. I'm telling you - it looks easy on paper, but that girl is hurting. When I sit here and try to imagine having to deal with everything I've been through on top of witnessing a loved one's murder...I don't know how I would do it. I think now that I would be able to, but as a young teenager...I just don't know. There's deep, deep pain from both incidents she's experienced. Your niece needs some serious counseling, love and support. Everything she's doing - all of the acting out, it's immaterial. She has to be the priority. It may be she is trying to get attention, but more likely, I suspect it may be her acting like a "bad" person because if mom & dad think I'm so awful, it must be true. She's trying to convince herself that she's not worthy. And getting in trouble all the time proves her point.

Sit her down, tell her you will love her NO MATTER what she does, let her know she can talk to you any time about anything, and give her a hug. Whatever you do - you have to get through to her...penetrate the shield and mask she wears and MAKE her understand she is loved and she doesn't need to behave the way she does to get attention, to show the big, bad world her parents were right to leave her, or to deal with all of the mixed emotions she must surely be experiencing inside. You probably shouldn't expect that she "should just know she's loved - we all show her." She didn't grow up knowing/feeling love...at least not before her parents left. Parents that abandon their children do not go from loving healthy parents one day and abandon their children the next. She has deep scars.

The best of luck to you and your niece. Don't give up - you'll just prove to her she was right...and she's not worth it. Show her she is!

Answer 2

This is a poor child. Witnessing a murder was bad enough, but having her parents abandon her really played havoc with her mind. I would hate to see you give up on her, talk to her consular for a course of action. Agree with him what steps should be taken. Then bring her in and tell her what the new grounds rules are and the consequences of disobeying them.

It sounds like you have her pretty well spoiled by giving her everything a teen wants. So the next part will be hardest on you, and that will be carrying out what you agreed to as consequences.

I wish you luck.

Answer 3

Find out where her money is! Surely there is SOMETHING that she enjoys that can affect her. I think she enjoys being empowered by beating other kids - try the silent treatment and ignoring her whenever she does something badly. The more attention you give her, the more she acts up it seems.

PS--the more you excuse her for her actions due to her "traumatic experience" the more you encourage her to act up. Lots of people go through hurtful experiences but they survive and don't make themselves a victim of circumstance. So she witnessed a murder and her parents left her, big deal--it's not like she's dying and needs to be spoonfed. She still has relatives to rely on, school and the support from numerous people. She needs to get over herself and her past. She is nearing adulthood and she needs to come to terms with life and stop blaming the world. The world doesn't care. The bottom line is she can't keep treating people like this, and you need to stop her from doing so.

Answer 4

Well you men will have to occasion all of you have to have a large assembly and speak it over considering it's severe. Personally i feel the 15 yr historic bully received his penis touched via a male trainer whilst he was once a little one that is almost always why he is performing out. Someone demands to train that boy a lesson.

Answer 5

Sorry to hear about this...

The councillers should have told you that this child feels abandoned by her parents. She is going to have to come to grips about this before she can heal...

...This acting out is just that, the inability to come to grips with her abandonment. She is hurting so bad, and will be like this for years to come unless the issue of her parents gets some kind of resolution.

If her parents can be found, the councilor would easily be able to set up something for the poor girl to either scream her head off at them or just cry in their arms...something that would release her from the torture she mentally puts herself through every day.

Answer 6

she sounds extremely angry and frustrated to me. when you have such strong and hard to control feelings you need to tread carefully. Instead of taking away her privelidges, try talking to her and give her a hug. You really ought to have a word with her therapist, maybe he/she can help. he/She might not know the extent of her behaviour.

Answer 7

yeah she's been through alot, but I think you guys are feeling sorry for her, to the point where she knows she can get away with anything. you need to put her in bootcamp agian, and if that doesnt work, put her in some kind of community house or sumthing. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 8

call dr phil......jk, she needs dicipline...the older she gets the less likely she will respect others....some form of dicipline that will be steady and remind her how she affects others when she doesn't listen and hurts others

Answer 9

you still have to punish her. She is still a kid and needs authoritive figure.