What should I do when I don’t like my mother and never want to see her again?

Question

I am the only girl of 4 children. My mother LOVES her screwed up sons, but hates me.

I am 24 and have made a good life for myself, I was a really good kid and never got into trouble!

She invites me over and then tries to fight with me about stupid stuff (like my brother’s alcoholism, things that happened when I was a kid that she says never happened, my husband and I planning our first child!)

I end up telling her I need to go home because her arguments escalate and she won’t let it go until she wins!

She was verbally abusive to me as a kid, it took a year of counseling to accept that my mother doesn’t treat me with respect or love.

I have come to terms with the fact that she will not change, and although I love her because she is my mother, I do not like her as a person.

I honestly never want to see her face again.

I am a happy person, but when I see her I am miserable and end up leaving her house looking and feeling like the bad guy.

What do I do?

I cut her off completely for 6 months and she is back to her old tricks again!

I wrote her a 5 page letter about how she hurts me and why I don't like seeing her anymore.

She told me it was B.S. and said she was keeping the letter to show me what a bad daughter I am!!!

Answer 1

I could have written this word for word.

You know, just because you are born into a family doesn't mean you are compatible, and you can always choose to cease ALL contact.

I have a friend who did just that, and hasn't looked back, and has never been happier.

With my own mom, I have tried different things, including not talking to her for six months, writing her long letters, trying to talk to her. I would try and talk to her first, or write her a heartfelt letter.

If your mom is like mine though, it won't sink in and she will be so stuck on being "right" that she is unwilling to see the hurt she causes.

In that case, what *I* have done is to severely limit my contact with her. I have kids and they are very close to her and she is good with them.. but as for me, I don't spend a lot of time with her. If we talk on the phone I keep it short. If I go visit, I keep it short. I've learned that the "danger zone" occurs if I try and spend more than one day around her, so I limit it.

I also remind myself over and over that SHE has problems and I am not all of the things she likes to make me think I am (lazy, ungrateful, inconsiderate, hateful) just because I don't always take her advice or agree with her.

You mention that she is fine with your brothers. Some women, I think due to some twisted self-loathing, have this idolization of men to the point of hating other women! They may not realize it or admit it at all. My grandmother is like this. It's just the way she is, I think it's due to her childhood... but she thinks her son can do no wrong and her daughter (my mom) is always the "bad one".

With my mom I can't have frequent contact; it kills my self esteem, but I have found that if I keep it casual, keep it brief, and don't let her "bait" me where I end up responding as if I were still 15 years old, it's tolerable.

Maybe this would work for you... but if it doesn't, I would not feel guilty about cutting off all contact. You can tell her you are doing it and why. You shouldn't have to live your life with someone who makes you feel like crap just because they are family.

Answer 2

Why did you write her a letter? You should have known it would do more harm than good. Someone like her will never change and you need to accept that. Try to make a clean break and keep your distance. I did with my parents and couldn't be happier!

Reading your question definitely reminds me of my relationship with my parents. My husband would cringe everytime I would go there to visit because I would come back miserable and crying.

After I had my child my parents thought she was the world! However, they were telling people they couldn't understand how I ended up with such a perfect child being the person I was. I also found out they would talk up my daughter while telling people how horrible my husband was. They would also talk bad about me and my husband's family. All this in front of a little girl! Sorry, my family is not a pick and choose, it's all or nothing! That is not good for any child. Besides, I think I am a pretty good person. And my inlaws are very well respected. I have far exceeded my parents and have done better then most of my siblings. It's a shame they can't see that but it's their loss, not mine!

Now my parents try to talk to me whenever they see me. I've made it clear I will talk to them in public but want nothing more to do with them. They seem to crave a relationship with me again but I know what will happen in the end. They are people who want what they can't have and when they have something they hate it. At least when it comes to me......

Answer 3

I had the same problem. She sounds like a toxic person and just because she is your mother doesn't mean that you are obligated to keep her in your life. If she is making you feel stressed, miserable and hurt, then she doesn't deserve to be involved in your life. Don't feel gulty for cutting her out. You have to protect your sanity and your own well being because it is your own life and not hers. If you don't put yourself first, you will end up bringing people like her into your life unknowingly and struggle the same way. She is fighting to be right and sounds like her mind can't be changed no matter what. It is a forever battle you can't win and don't want to. I tried to tell my mom honestly how I felt and she just turned it all around like it was my problem. It was such a waste of negative energy. Good luck, you will be happier away from her.

Answer 4

I guess the only thing that I can say is that you need to just move on and live your life. It will be hard because like you said that is your mother, but if she cannot respect you and she is making you miserable, then you need to keep her out of your life. Just take this as a learning experience on how to not treat your own child.

Answer 5

you know how she is,she's set in her way's and she's not going to change. my mother is the same damn way!!!!!!!!!!! i didnt speak with her for 4 month's over a fight we got into over the phone because of my 20 year old brother is free loading retard!!! i was 16 and she forced me to move out!!! as a kid i was also verbally abusive by her and i find myself doing it to my son some days and i cry over it for hours because i feel like a monster a horrible mother,i blam her for this in every ways possible! but all i can do now is get help for it!! and i am. : [ dont think for one second haveing a baby makeing her a grandma will change her,that start's a whole new battle trust me~ i say dont cut her out of your life completely,you both need time apart to appreciate each other. gl and i'm sorry if i wasnt any help. : /

Answer 6

It sounds like you've made a strong case for NOT seeing her again. Is there anything she does that gives your having a relationship with her value? If the answer is no, then for your own mental and emotional health you shouldn't see her again. I'm not saying never talk to her again - sending cards for holidays and special occasions is perfectly fine, a call here and there, but if every time you see her she has something negative to say and she makes you feel bad, then.... I have a poor relationship with my mother too and havent spoken to her in months, and while it hurts me to not have her in my life, I find it easier to have it this way. I feel bad my daughter doesnt have her maternal grandmother in her life, but that doesnt seem to be a priority for my mother and I can't make it one for her.

Good luck, be strong, and take care of your own needs.

Answer 7

Are your mom and mine related?
Your situation sounds very similar to mine. There comes a point when you have to realize that your happiness has to come above others.
You wouldn't allow someone who wasn't related to you to treat you this way, why does someone being blood make it any different?
If you choose the end the relationship, don't make it ugly. Just walk away.
Stop seeking her validation. The only validation you need is yours. You know what has happened, her perception is different. And you will never get from her what you need.
You are a strong independant woman and that scares her. Just let her go....

Answer 8

Go on with your life. Have the number of children you want. Dont worry about what your mother thinks. When you see her dont argue with her, if she says something thats not right just ignor it, if she says something didnt happen just let it go as she is only remembering the good things not the bad(cause it would make her look bad). Spend as little time as you can with her but when necessary just stay a while and go home.Dont let her mess up your adult life too.

Answer 9

Wow. I really feel for you. I don't have any suggestions other than this, if your mom died, would you miss her? I would guess that you probably do love her and would miss her even a little if she died. I'm really sorry she acted like an idiot when you were growing up. Hope things work out for you, I would just say to try to forgive her (it's the right and loving thing to do!) but it doesn't mean you have to socialize with her. Maybe you could have someone else around when you're with her, if you do happen to visit. And if she starts her crap, just leave without arguing with her. (that way you wont' get worked up). Hopefully, she'll realize and if she doesn't tell her why you leave, you're sick of her petiness and childishness. maybe she'll listen to someone else when they see how she acts and then they can tell her too. Good luck.

Answer 10

I had a mommy like that. Just see her as little as possible and make the visits as short as possible. Later on I figured her parents were screwed up also. She passed away in 1995 and now I just visit her grave every 10 years or so. I do feel better since she has passed but sorry for her because her life was sad.