My friend's son is getting married in June.My friend wants to invite her brother and sister who have been estranged from the family for 2 years. Her son and fiance do not want to invite them. What is the proper etiquette in this situation?
2006-10-02 06:20:17 · 21 answers · asked by pedidoc43 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
This is a sticky situation.
Etiquette states that if the parents are paying for even a portion of the wedding, then they have the right to invite a few guests of their choice. If they are not paying for anything, then they have no say in the guest list unless the couple decides to allow them the option.
Since they are close family, the aunt and uncle of the groom, then they should be included. If he wants to exclude these two people, then any other aunts, uncles, and cousins should be left out too. It's an insult to both the aunt and uncle, and his mother to pick and choose what family to invite if other relatives are on the guest list. There should be a set "circle" of family that make the guest list, and the ones that get excluded.
First circle: Parents, siblings, spouses of siblings, children of siblings, and grandparents.
Second circle: Aunts, uncles, first cousins, and any spouses and children of them.
Third circle: Greats (grandparents, aunts, uncles) second cousins, and any spouses and children.
Etc....
The couple should, by right, set that circle and invite everybody within it. It's rude and tasteless to do otherwise.
If the couple has legitimate reasons for not wanting them there, then they need to have a serious discussion with his mother, and the offending people. "Estranged" doesn't say a lot other than a lack of communication. If there was a falling out due to a disagreement and it had nothing to do with the couple getting married, then the family should put their differences aside for one day.
Edited to add:
Most people have gotten so caught up in the orgy of spending that they forget that a wedding isn't just about the bride and groom. It's about the joining of two families as well. My husband and I ended up inviting some family (to keep the peace) that we didn't want there, and I'm glad that we did. A few years later, when my cousin got married, he only invited the family he wanted, not the people that were the same distance apart in realtion. Half the family got excluded, and they now only talk to him on holidays, if that. Where as my entire family is still there and supportative to my and my husband, even though most of them did not actually attend the wedding. So if they aunt and uncle are as estranged as you say, they probably won't even show up for the wedding.
2006-10-02 06:33:58 · answer #1 · answered by welches_grape_jelly 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Do not invite the estranged brother and sister to the wedding. If either of the people getting married do not want someone to be invited to the wedding, they should not be invited. The wedding is an important day for the couple getting married. Yes, family is important; however, a happy wedding for the people getting married is even more important. Even if the estranged relatives were invited, they would not have a good time because it will be obvious that they are not desired.
2006-10-02 06:32:24 · answer #2 · answered by Big E 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The proper etiquette is for the guest list to include the people who matter most to the bride and groom, not people they don't know or feel obligated to include.
If your friend wants to reconcile with her estranged family, she can do it another time. The wedding day is about the bride and groom. If she invites the brother and sister, she risks creating resentment with her son and soon to be daughter-in-law. Weddings are stressful enough; she should find another opportunity to reconnect.
2006-10-02 06:25:28 · answer #3 · answered by Le_Roche 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, the bride and the groom have the final say in this because it is there wedding after all. Weddings are very costly and that might be part of the reason for not inviting them. A lot of time it is just close friends and family who is invited to the wedding.
2006-10-02 07:03:42 · answer #4 · answered by glitter3317 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The proper etiquette is to let the bride and groom choose, after all it is they who want only what is best on their day.
I had a problem like that when I got married to my wife, my side of the family had become estranged to one another...so I wrote to them and told them that they were welcome to come as long as they did not bring any animosity with them because of the friction between them. Not one of my family turned up, thank God I had terrific friends. They were my family at the wedding, it was a great day indeed. The wedding is to be remembered as a special day in your life not the worst day in your life.
Invite who you think will come and who will give their blessing to the Bride and Groom. Family is important providing you have a good relationship with them.
2006-10-02 06:37:39 · answer #5 · answered by Le Baron 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I understand why your friend would want to invite her siblings to celebrate this special moment, however it's not her special moment. I think the best move would be to sit down and find out which matters more, this feud they have going on, or having your family there. They probably just do not want any unnecessary drama added to their wedding day. If they were invited would they come? You may be stressing over a mute point. At the end of the day it is the Bride and Grooms decision, and they should feel supported 100%.
2006-10-02 06:28:09 · answer #6 · answered by Tamra 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the son and fiance don't want them their, then that needs to be the first thing to keep in mind....
also, bear in mind whose paying for it. If the fiance's side is paying, and she doesn't want to invite them, then she should get her way! Her money on invites, her stamp, her everything! However, If your friend is helping pay for the invites, them maybe she can have a little more say!
I hate bringing up the whose payin thing, but in truth, it matters, my mom is getting her way about SOME stuff at my wedding cuz she's writing the check, but she is also very reasonable about it as well...make sure your friend knows is this is the case to be reasonable as well! good luck!
2006-10-02 07:01:52 · answer #7 · answered by ASH 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is supposed to be all about what the bride and groom want.. but it never ends up that way. In order to keep peace in the family. It is the best bet to let the mother have who she wants there. The bride and groom won't have to see them much, they will be busy with other guests. Unless the bride and groom are paying for everything themselves and on a budget. Then the mother should respect that they can only afford people who are important to them at their wedding.
2006-10-02 06:32:26 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Generally, the Bride and Groom get to invite the most people, but it is also custumary for the parents of both to get to invite people as well...IF the parents are paying anything towards the wedding. If the Bride and Groom are paying for it all, then etiquitte is that they and they alone get to invite people. However, in the end it is THEIR wedding, and if they do not want someone there that is their choice.
2006-10-02 06:25:03 · answer #9 · answered by Mrs. MP 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No offense but its not your wedding. If they dont want someone there, you shouldn't invite them. It is suppost to be the best day of their lives. They dont want anyone who would make the situation uncomfortable. Let them decide or at least talk to your friends son about it. Don't ruin his day. Just think about what you would do if it were your wedding the other way around. Good Luck with your decision.
2006-10-02 06:33:44 · answer #10 · answered by Stephanie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋