Am I wrong?

Question

Ok, my older brother is a 37 year old alcoholic. His life has never been on track. Always between jobs, apartments, cars, money. He is currently living with his wife (and mother of his children). She gave up rights to her kids and has no custody. He has limited visitation and the kids currently reside with the maternal aunt and uncle. My family continually bends over backwards giving him chances. They give him money, cars, etc.... I have grown very sick of getting guilt trips if I do not want to pick his butt up to go to a family event or other such thing. Am I wrong for refusing? Isn't there a limit on this kind generosity? I am single mom and do not have the money and patience for this. By the way, this has been going on since he was 18.

Answer 1

Of course not. Family is always going to give you grief for setting boundaries. That doesn't mean you're wrong. Secretly some in your family might respect it or even feel jealous that you are able to do that with him. And as a side note, this is not why you should set limits, but limits might actually help him get over his addiction. You could always mention that to your family, that they are helping him save money for booze, helping him get sicker, etc., every time they give him money, but mention it only as the reason why YOU don't do it anymore, not trying to guilt them into doing it, because then you are fighting fire with fire.

Do what's right in your own head - they'll get used to it. Screw guilt.

Answer 2

You need to get at the real issue. Supporting family unconditionally is part of being a human being. How tough is it really to pick your brother up for family events? That's not the real issue here.

You're a single Mom. You feel stressed. The real issue is that you would like more support from your parents in line with what they are doing to help your brother financially. This is reasonable, and you're not dealing with it is causing you to be bitter. They obviously have the means. They should be supporting you with some help since you need it and want it.

Go over to their house sometime and specificially raise this issue and resolve it.

Answer 3

You owe him nothing for tearing apart your family. He must stand up and be responsible for his own actions. You have a life. Live it! If, once in a while it demands some time with him, than so be it and enjoy your time with him, but you can not be expected to re-arrange your life to accomodate his behavior. I have a brother-in-law exactly like that, and when I finally convinced my wife of these very same things, she quit catering to him, and guess what, he figured out that if he wanted money, for bail or anything else, he had to get a job. If he wanted to be "taxied" somewhere, he found out he had to get a car (and driver's license.) Our life is much smoother now that we are not constantly "on duty" for him. I wish you the very best of luck with a "Tough Love" approach.

Answer 4

You are right don't do another thing for him and your family needs to stop doing things for him too All you are doing is helping him along so he can never be responsible. Everyone needs to "tough love it" to him and let him hit rock bottom. Kick him out, not answer his phone calls ,not pick him up, don't give him money or help him out. Then and only then will he get help get really and get responsible for himself. It is a hard thing to do but you have to start some where.

Answer 5

Helping out family members is a wonderful thing but at some point it almost sounds like your family simply enables your brother instead of helping him. I don't think you should feel guilty for putting your life first and drawing a line a just how far your willing to continue to enable him to be who he is. He is an adult and he has made his choice how to live his life and you have your own life to live and be responsible for.

Answer 6

You are 150% correct in your thinking. If you continue to give an addict money and cars they will just spend the money on the drug of choice and if he didn't get into an accident with the car, he would sell it. Why would they buy him a car knowing that he's an alkie? God forbid he kills someone, because the drunk person rarely dies in car accidents.

Answer 7

I don't think you're wrong at all. If this goes on repeatedly without ever having positive results then it seems clear that you are the only one that isn't an enabler to your brother. No one can help anyone unless they themselves decide to help themselves first. And to continually help him they are only enabling his bad behavior. You need to continue to keep your priorities in order and be there if the day comes when you can help your brother because he is finally trying to turn his life around.

Answer 8

Write him off
Do not pick him up
Do not help or enable him in any way

Take your parents to see a Councilor (there are free ones in ever town) or Parish Priest
Hope they learn to see that they are enabling him

If all that fails

Know that you have noting to feel guilty about Ever!
You are correct in your assessment of his situation.

You can only change your self.

Answer 9

One of the reasons he is this way is because everyone keeps picking up his slack. There needs to be some tough love by letting him hit rock bottom. This can be the hardest thing for loved ones to do, but it would help him in the long run.
You have priorities, which are your children. It isnt up to you to help HIM out. He is an adult. You have no reason to feel guilty.

Answer 10

Everyone here has covered the bases, I think. I agree with every last one of them. I am only wanting to give you support. I have similar family situations as you, and I know how rough it can be for family to constantly take advantage, and I know how hard it can be to stand up to family. So you go girl! I'm with ya in spirit!
;)