I think my 4 yr old son has been physically abused!?

Question

On thursday night my husband, his step dad spanked him pretty hard for getting into trouble and he cried alot but i thought it was just from being scared and upset. then on sat. morning i took him to his dad and stepmoms house. his dad called me sunday morning and told me he found several small bruises on his lower back and asked me what happend. I had no idea! I figured he had fell down and got hurt or something. I went to pick him up later that night and saw the bruises and freaked out! They looked like bruises from a fist or fingertips! I told my husband about it and of course he had no idea how it could have happened but the weird thing is he was OVERLY nice to my son when we got home. I just thing it was strange. Maybe he doesn't want me to think he did it. Maybe he didn't do it but how else does a kid get bruises on his lower back??? I'm use to seeing bruises on his knees and stuff like that but this was different. I'm just worrying myself sick over this.

everyone thinks that these bruises seem suspecious. my husband has always been great with the kids but he's always shown favoritisim over his two kids. I've seen him be hard on my son but not abusive by no means. He said to me "your not trying to point this at me are you?" "you know i'd never do anything like that". He was really sincere about it but how else did they get there?

i forgot this part.... when i ask my son if he remembers getting hit on the back or hurting his back he says no everytime

Answer 1

maybe what happen is that your husband did cause the bruises and he didnt realize that he hit him that hard and thats why he was being overly nice to him cause he felt bad for doing that to him... but not so much on purpose... maybe he doesnt know if it was him or not.... maybe he didnt want you to know that he was being too rough with your son and in his mind he was thinking that he would never hit him that hard again... or it could have been that your son accidently got hurt another way... most 4 year old boys i know or seen cant stand still and always play rough.... either way i would keep a close eye on him and the way he treats him from now on.

Answer 2

You've got a lot of good advice here.
#1) Taking your son to a doctor is your number 1 priority because your son's survival is your number 1 priority. As stated above, your son could have evidence of previous injuries that are in various stages of healing. Too many preschoolers perish at the hands of those who should be protecting them.
#2) There is no such thing as accidentally spanking a child too hard ever, much less than MORE THAN ONCE. Since your son has bruises that you do not associate with the spanking, this has to raise a BIG RED FLAG!
#3) You seem to suspect your husband. Stop and put yourself in a 4 yr old's shoes. Would YOU tell on him? It seems that you believe your son would NORMALLY tell you the truth about things. When abuse is involved, normal responses tend to go out the window. You've seen that your son is 'scared' when he gets spanked. If you were your son, would you possibly be so afraid to tell because you probably will get spanked for telling? And your son already knows that you're not going to stop your husband from spanking him. You've been there and haven't stopped him before. - Understand here that I am speaking from a possible point of view your 4 yr old son may have.
#4) That you are questioning this shows that you love your son and that you want to do what is in his best interest, but possibly you feel conflicted because you also love your husband and don't want to believe this could be true. It is a mother's nightmare. And your son will need to see a counselor to heal if you find that he has indeed been abused.
My empathy is with you. Blessings on you.

Answer 3

Okay, I'm going to go without the knowledge you presented first. I have bruises on my lower back all the time, and no one beats my back. My husband is always asking why I've got those bruises; it's a mystery.

I don't know if you should consider the bruises on your son's back mysterious. I'm not trying to be unkind; I am serious. You sound very concerned, but afraid to, or not sure of, the right thing to do. Your husband now should have lost his rights to punish your son. If you let this continue, you are an accessory to child abuse. I don't know if it was a one time thing and he just overdid things, or if this is his pattern, but he needs to learn how to calm down, and how to parent. There is no reason a spanking should bruise a child. Do what you think you should do about it.

Answer 4

If you are concerned about this you have to go by your instincts. The problem is you don't have any proof that this was physical abuse by your husband. You do know he does spank your child, and he spanks hard. That has to stop, you need to tell him not to physically punish your child anymore. Then there will be no question about bruises in the future. Next I would talk to your son alone about how he feels about your husband. Start reading him a book and get him calm then bring it up. If he feels afraid of him in anyway then I would have him stay at his father's house until you have time to sort this out. Think back has this happened before??? Has he hit your son before and caused bruises?? The next would be to talk to your child's physician on what he/she recommends and talking to a counselor. You as a Mother need to take this seriously he is your son and don't let anyone take advantage of him!!!

Answer 5

My wife's ex is the nastiest creep, but since he seems to have some very short-sighted view that the world rotates around him, he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. (I'm sure there's a term for that). As a result, he can look authorities right in the eye and tell you a whopper of a lie that's hard to disbelieve. Her kids (my stepsons) have gone through some things before I came on the scene. CPS could only do so much because there was no physical signs of abuse. You have those physical signs (I hope y'all took pictures) as evidence that something happened. Now you have to determine what happened. The boy will need some therapy, but that's separate from seeing a child psycologist to either get him to open up or at least confirm the signs of abuse with that a psychological footprint leave behind, too.
If it WASN'T your husband (I'm slow to judge) - you need to find out when it happened. In any case, you'll now have to be vigilant around your child.
Unfortunately, to convince CPS, you'll probably need to catch a repeat transgression. CPS can be really wierd about what they'll pursue or otherwise.

Answer 6

As an ex-social worker, I would suggest you speak specifically to your son about the bruises and how he got them. Use common sense in trying to figure out if he is being abused. For example, normal, active children get some bruises and bumps from everyday playing. These bruises are mostly over bony areas such as knees, elbows, and shins. But, if you see your child with injuries on other parts of the body, such as the stomach, cheeks, ears, buttocks, back, mouth, or thighs, you should think twice. These don't come from everyday play.

In most child abuse cases, parents do not really want to hurt their children. Most abuse happens when adults have a hard time controlling their anger. However, even if they don't mean to, a parent who abuses a child might do it again, especially if other stresses are not handled. They may need help from an outside agency, such as a local Parents Anonymous chapter.

If you feel that your son has been abused and you cannot talk to them yourself, talk with a trusted friend, pediatrician, or clergyman or simply contact your local Social Service Department. Your information is kept confidential and you'll have documentation in the event the situation should arise again.
Lastly, take pictures for your records/documentation.

Answer 7

Be careful when asking a child that age what happened. Children that age can vary their statements greatly. You asked him once, leave that alone. You need to make it very clear that your husband is to keep his hands off your child. He does not need to be spanking your son. How does his father feel about the situation? Does his stepmother spank him? Also, make it very clear to your son that if ANYONE hurts him he can come to you and be safe. Remember that there is a possibility that the bruises are innocent. I know my children have come home with some "suspicious" bruises before, and they were innocent. Kids are going to get hurt, so dont jump to any major conclusions just yet. Good Luck.

Answer 8

Go with your instinct on this one. If your husband is being overly nice, then it's very possible he is guilty over hurting him. I would have freaked out, too. You should just ask him again what happened when he spanked him. Write down everything he says when you get a chance away from him. Then ask him one more time a little later and see if the facts add up. If they don't, then you have your answer. Good luck, this must be vey tough for you, any time there is possible abuse regarding a child, it is a very serious matter.

Answer 9

Reading previous replies, I see that everyone is concerned for the boy's safety. Number one is getting him to a doctor for a full examination. Also, if you ask him how he got those bruises, make sure he knows that you will protect him from anyone who tries to hurt him. It might be a good idea to let him stay with his dad temporarily until you work things out.

You are in a very difficult situation. there is a lot more riding on this issue than just to boy's safety. If the stepfather is guilty of abuse you have ugly choices to make, but they need to be made because abuse always escalates. Do you have trusted family or friends you can turn to for help? Good luck in solving this awful problem.

Answer 10

Why don't you ask your son if his step dad hurts him? Kids are very perceptive. Always ask questions before you assume- but you need to make sure that you have concrete evidence before any blame is made. You don't want your son's real father to call Child Protective Services so I suggest that you take care of this situation and fast. I would ask your son questions like: do you think (insert name here) is mean to you? does he punish you? what kind of things does he do to you if he does punish you? when does he hurt you? ***if you notice that he hurts him when you are not around then that is a sign. or if he hits your son for no reason i.e. your son doesnt know why he was punished, etc.

If you are still not sure, you can place a camcorder or tape recorder to really find out for sure around the house.

Good luck. For you and your son, I hope this is a false alarm.