Right to dishone parents?

Question

I suffered some seriously bad things at my parents hands growing up. Now they won't acknowledge any wrongdoing, which is causing me problems, as I am in therapy and on medications trying to deal with the collateral damage of their horrible decisions and mistakes. If they refuse to come clean and admit to the things they did, even if it would help me to move on and come to terms with my emotions, should I sever ties with them? I know this sounds bad. Thanks for any input.

just to clarify, more physical abuse than I can remember( every time I go to therapy I remember another instances, I have supressed memories because of it) severe emotional abuse and abandonment.

Answer 1

My first thought is, don't 'dishone' them until you are able to spell 'disown'.

My next thought is that most young adults go through a period of anger toward their parents when they, still influenced by their youth, think they could and would have don't it so much better than they.

Finally, you have to determine your level of involvement. Find your comfort level and allow it to change through the years. The answer isn't black and white. It doesn't necessarily have to be all or nothing.

Of course if you are still living in their house, you might want to start there and just visit from time to time when it suits you. But what you are suggesting seems aimed at getting revenge and that is a different story.

Should you hurt them back because they hurt you? Not if it's just going to end up hurting you more than them, that's for certain.

Finally, every child suffers bad things from their parents, some done intentional and some unintentional but most out of love and concern for their children. You have to decide for yourself whether the harm they caused was accidental or intentional, out of love, indifference, or hate. Once you decide that, well, you are closer to your answer.

I never suggest to anyone staying in a hostile or abusive environment. But disowning parents is as close to tell God that Creation sucks as you can get. Make certain you have clear understanding of your issues before you go to that level.

Answer 2

I was psychologically terrorized by my mother so much during highschool and the beginning of college, that I actually gave up my studies and moved to Europe. If I bring (or ever brought) up the subject, she conveniently forgets and pretends nothing is wrong.

Before I actually left for Europe I told my father, and he said since I was going away anyway, better to say goodbye at least. When I told her she actually threw me a going away party and everything. I still didn't go back, and probably never will. We don't talk about what happened and she pretends nothing did. Now I visit every 18 months for 2 days, and they have visited me several times. The other 50 weeks a year I have complete peace! I keep getting asked when I'm coming back and have been saying "2 years" since 1992.

My point is: you need to get on with your life. I wouldn't go on a "conflict course" in disowning them because it ultimately helps no one. Go and create a good life for yourself, and quietly go your own way. I don't know how old you are, but if you are young enough and have a bit of sense of adventure I can seriously reccommend packing your 7 things and hitting the road - physically and mentally.

Answer 3

First of all I wish you the best in therapy.I went through therapy 2 times & felt worse than I did before I went.I think the past needs to stay in the past but until you deal with it I guess it's hard to do that.I 'm not sure what you went through but I know it does affect you as an adult cause it did that to me. My hubby says that shrinks are more messed up than we are & that's why they can fix yourproblems & not their own. Can't say I totally agree with that but I know I didn't want drugs for depression that made me worse than I was. What I did was get involved in my church & got help from God. Is that easy no? It has a struggle or 2 also but at least I'm on my way to feeling good about me & not pointing fingers of who is right or wrong about my past.Only you can stop the cycle that your life is in. You make the choice & I wish you the best.

Answer 4

I had to do this. Abusers never, never admit it. Either they blame it all on you or tell you you're crazy, it never happened. You don't say how old you are but if you're an adult you have a right to make the best of your life and sometimes this means distancing yourself from them. What can they give you, but more hurt? If you think there's a possibility of change, that's one thing, but they sound like they're in total denial which is common in this sort of situation. It's hard, I know from experience, but you have to be responsible for yourself. Save your soul alive and construct a positive life.
Best of luck, I know it's not easy but it can be done. Have a good, good rest of your life.

Answer 5

not sure exactly what 'seriously bad things' you are talking about some kids think being grounded for bad grades is a seriously bad thing...only you know what those things are....in saying that one thing you need to understand your parents are not super human...they are in fact fallible human beings and are a product of their upbringing too so just understand that....depending on what they did and if you can live with it is the deciding factor in whether or not you sever ties with them....no one else can tell you what to do. ask your therapist for advice but the ultimate decision is up to you...it maybe a temporary severing or a life long severing depending on your circumstances. that being said you also need to forgive what your parents did, not forget...forgive and not for their sakes but for yours or you will repeat their mistakes in your own life and with your own children someday....someone and that someone maybe you needs to break the cycle of the abuse or it will forever control your life and the lives of those you love. this doesn't mean you have to have a relationship with them it only means you recognized their failures and mistakes are human beings and are willing to accept that, not forget but accept and move on for your own sake. too consider inviting your parents into family counseling sessions, it will help them cope with whatever their problems are and ultimately make their relationship better with you if thats what you want.

Answer 6

I am sorry to hear this I truly am I can understand totally! I had counselling sessions to deal with my family issues and once i dealt with it myself i found it easier to approach my family.

Nobody wants to accept responsibility for hurting someone especially if it is there own child.... This could take time but stay strong and you will get through this as much as you may feel that your family are not worth having around you will at some point regret it if you have no contact and this will then be yet anither issue to deal with!

Please try and stay positive and you will be fine!!!!!!! ; )

Answer 7

I was abused both physically and mentally by my adoptive mother while growing up. I am grown now and have my own family and I still hold the memories with me of these awful times. But, I have never severed ties with her. It will never be the type of mother/daughter relationship it should be but I am a big enough person to forgive, although I will never forget.

Answer 8

Believe it or not, part of you moving on is forgiving them. As bad as you don't want to and as undeserving as they are - you need to do it and get yourself to that point. This lifts everything off of your shoulders. It's not easy to do, and it's not as simple as saying it to yourself. It's about you looking deep inside of yourself and believing that you were never part of the problem to begin with. It's about brushing the slate clean and really looking inside yourself to get through this.

Nothing is ever worse than having issues to deal with because you're parents didn't know how to be parents. But it's even worse if you punish yourself with this all your life. Forgive them. Make distance between the two of you. And MOVE ON.

You've spent your whole liftime dealing with this. Put it to rest and become a better person.

Answer 9

I think you should really think about whether cutting ties with your parents is the right thing to do and whether the things that they did were really that bad. If you decide that they are that bad you should cut all ties, because you unfortunately do not get to choose your parents...If they were not your parents would you be friends with them? If you have children would you want your kids to be around your parents?

Answer 10

Sure do it for your own sanity.Do it for your own happiness.Do it because you have a right to.Do it because I did and it worked out great.Do it because your to good for them. Do it because they never respected you in the first place.Do it because you now have the freedom to make other people your new family.And do it without regret or guilt because you are not the one that did this.