taking care of mother with Dementia?

Question

I have a older brother and sister (10 and 12 yrs older) Its a long story but they do not do anything to care for her. She is still alert but has cognitive problems and sometimes "acts out." I would like to know if anyone has any answers for me because my Fiance' is in AZ I am in NY and I cannot leave and afraid to leave my mother and my brother and sister will not treat her well. BTW, my mother does not want to leave her house either. I do not know what to do. I feel guilty if I left right now because of the lack of responsibility of my siblings. Any Suggestions at all I welcome,
Thank you

My sister does have power of attorney with a living will. My sister and brother (God forbid) would get the house. I do not mind that just if they would help then or help with a solution. ...

Answer 1

You need to get a carer in,to help with your mother.My grandmother had dementia and wouldn't leave her house.She started leaving the gas on.Doing really dangerous things.People with dementia can go out in the middle of the night and forget where they live!!!!!

When dementia happened with my gran,our family was no help at all.It was just me and my mum to look after her.In the end we had to get incontinence pads,lock the doors,buy safety gates.She thought we were her nurses,forgot who we were.Most people sell the house and use it for private care.

Answer 2

If your siblings wont help and your mother acts I would not leave her. That could cause her to act out further, being that she is use to your care. And may God bless you for being there. Discuss with your siblings this is their mother too and that you cant do it alone. You need to take care of yourself as well. Dementia is a hard thing for you to handle alone. Think about it if its hard on you think about how hard it is on your mother. I don't know all her history but I am a nurse and I know this isn't easy on you and it may not be easy for them to understand. People tend to be in denial when it comes to a ill parent. Is there any other family to talk to that will help you get through to your siblings? Hang in there

Answer 3

Unfortunately, her dementia will progressively get worse and will have to be put in a care facility. If your mother is in the presence of you and legal council during a time when she is lucid...you should fill out a power of attorney so that you can decide for her. At that time you might decide to sell her house and move her and you to AZ if that's in your future. Good luck. Oh, I might add that if she is combative
during lucid times and will not agreeably sign a power of attorney to you, then you might get the necessary medical back up to present in court to petition for that over her health, etc.

Answer 4

Your siblings are not responsible for your mother, it is not their "duty" to take care of her just as it really isn't YOUR "duty" to do so, you have chosen to do so, the have chosen not to. As adults you all have the right to make your own choices in this issue, and not get ticked becuase they choose not to help out. There ARE alternatives but you are letting your mother call the shots even when it isn't in HER best interest. You can give up your fiance and live your life totally and 100% for your mother until she passes, but there are no guarantees as to when that might be and she will only get worse as time goes on. I suggest finding a reputable "home" that specializes in Alzheimer's (that's the name of the disease) and placing her in it. Never mind that she doesn't want to leave her house, she's going to HAVE to eventually anyway because there WILL come a time when you will no longer be able to care for her.

Answer 5

well will your b/f come to you? from my own experience stay where you are if you know you are the best caregiver.I cared for my Grandmother who had Alzheimer disease and she had 7 living children. (I'm the Granddaughter) I took care of everything from doctors visits to signing the no not resuscitate order. I would change a thing I would do it all over again. I wasn't with my Mom when she passed away last year, I will never forgive myself for that. My daughter was with her but not me, I didn't think I could handle it. Stay with your mom and Good luck.

Answer 6

Mother had dementia... it got worse over the years & we ended up having to put her in a nursing home... we felt bad about it... the doctor told us not to feel guilty about it, because mother had lived her life & for us to live ours.

Answer 7

mom has sundowners dementia, she can be quite mean to me but my brother who does very little for her is Perfect in her mind. She needs professional care but refuses to see a doctor or go to the nursing facility.

Answer 8

That is awful. Have you spoken to your brother and sister? Maybe tell them you are leaving and ask them what their plans are for taking care of your mom.

Make sure one of you get Power of Attorney over your mom now. Once she can't make descions for herself she is going to need someone to make the medical & financial descions.

Good Luck