Should I just forget about my Mom and move on?

Question

This is a messy thing but my Mom when I was three divorced my Dad (they married when she was 16 and he was 22) She was at that time going to college. When I was 5 after I claimed abuse by the man Tim she lived with who was 20 years older. She ran off with him. After the court told her if she wanted to see me she woudl have to leave Tim alone and move out and he was to have no contact with me what so ever. She chosed Tim.
When I turned 18 I found out my mom was still alive but she was divorceing Tim for another man.
After an on again off again relationship with her enduring her constant screaming and trying to change me I finally told her to leave me alone. (i am now 27) I have been there for her and Now today when I went with her gorcery shopping.and her behavor was apalling she was shaking her butt to the shopping music. complaining about people there and being an all around jerk.
I find out she is separtated from her third husband. Should I leave her and forget her?

I also would like to add something else as well how do I deal with the after math if I deside to leave her be?

Answer 1

Wow, while any family situation can be tough... seperating yourself from your mom can be extremely tough.

I think you will have to do some real thinking about what it is you are gaining from your relationship from your mom.
Are you getting anything positive out of it other then a "relationship" with mom?

What if you imagined that your mom was one of your friends (and not your mom). Would you keep your friend if she continued to act the way she does and treat you the way she does?

Also, if you do decide to not have a relationship with your mom you do not always have to go "cold-turkey". You could limit your relationship with your mom to major holidays (Thanksgiving and/or Christmas) or to some other predetermined time that you decide one... like a couple times a year. Your decision does not have to be all or nothing. Just something to keep in mind.

While I know what I would do to help myself live the best life I could on my own, you will have to come to your own decision.

I wish you luck and best wishes whatever your decision.

Answer 2

Dear one, you will never change her. She does not wish to change or she would not have left you behind the first time. In her mind, it is more important to have men make her feel wanted and desired.. even if it is in a twisted way. You have tried to be there. You have done your best to open the door to a relationship with her. She, on the other hand, chooses not to step through that door and be the mother she should be. Yes, it is time that you concentrate on your own life and let her be. She probably will have some input into your life from time to time, but you cannot center your thoughts around her. It will do no good and will only stunt your emotional growth as you age and grow. I know that you wish she were the kind of mother everyone hopes for and dreams of, but she isn't and she never will be. You have to adjust to the way things are.. accept them.. and then be the very best person YOU can be. I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

I went through the downside of motherhood with my own mother. I was her "mistake" I was the reminder of an affair. I was raised by several members of my family and molested by a few as well. My own mother just couldn't love me as she did her sons. My grandmother tried to instill love and church into my life and my foster mother did too.


I cut ties with her for several years. I had to distance myself from her so that I could have some semblance of a normal life and later told her that I wanted to try to have a relationship but that I was not going to bend over backwards to do it. She was addicted to codeine and at times would be in a stupor (my entire life).I also told her that I would not allow her to be around my kids in this condition nor would I allow her to treat me like she had for so many years.


As an adult I was always the first one to help her if ever she needed it. When she died it fell on me, the one who never counted for much, to pay for the funeral, close her house and dispose of her belongings.

I was in my 30's when she died and for 2 years prior I tried to build a friendship of sorts with her. I miss that we did not have a traditional mother daughter bond or memories to carry into old age.

Don't hate her. Be glad you have a dad that loved you and raised you right. One day she wont be there, don't have regrets of lost contact. Do what you need to do to have as normal of a life as possible, just see her on important dates and maybe there will come a time that she sees what she has given up. Most likely she won't but at least you will not have any of the "if I had done this or that" to deal with. Your conscience will be clear and you will can look back and know you did what was right.

I am sorry that you have a mom like the one you do, I wish you all the best, now hug your dad, tell him thanks for loving you and be the better person.

Good luck

Answer 4

Unfortunately you are seeking the love and compassion of a mother from a woman incapable of these qualities.

I have severed all ties from my mother because of terrible things she either allowed or did to me as a child and young adult. The weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I have been mother free for over 10 years.

I was fortunate enough to be involved in a church with many women who mothered me and taught me valuable life lessons I never learned from my mother. How will you know how to love and discipline your own children if you have never known this for yourself.

She brought you into the world, but that does not make her a mother. The Bible says, honor thy mother and father, this can be done from afar.

I think for your own health and well being it is best you seek a life of happiness and joy where you can find it. I spent a good deal of my life in a psychiatrist office, but nothing was as healing as the day my mother was no longer a part of my life.

One of the most theraputic things I ever did for myself was visit shut ins and gleen from them all I could about there lives and listen to the advice they gave me.

Also keep close relationships with your best gal pals. They can be a good support system for you.

My heart goes out to you and I sense your pain. I know how heart breaking it is to see mothers holding and loving their children and feeling a big emptiness.

I don't want to preach to you but a relationship with a higher power is a great way to fill the void. Learn to put yourself first for a while and heal some old hurts and then move on to a happy joy filled life that awaits you.

peace and happiness

Answer 5

You should consider a separation from your Mom. Take some time away and see how it feels. Don't contact her. Give yourself a deadline.

If you feel good about not seeing her once that deadline arrives, then continue on with out her in your life.

However, if you find you can not live with out her in you life, then you will have to find a way to accept her for the person that she is, warts and all.

Good luck with this difficult decision.

Answer 6

Well that’s up to you but if you continue to be a part of her life you need to set up some rules of behavior for her to follow when she’s around you and enforce them. That way if she continues to act out in ways you feel are unacceptable then you have already set boundaries and consequences for crossing them.

It may be a good idea to get into some kind of dialectical therapy for yourself if you have problems surrounding this issue.

Answer 7

I think the thing that runs through some-not all(cuz I totally adore my boyfriends mom)heads is you should always be there for them, cuz they can do no wrong. But that's not true, mother or not shes human to and if she can't be woman enough to admit she was wrong and apologize move on. It'll be hard, I know I'm only 19 and I had to do it, but fair is fair.

Answer 8

Some things can never be 'fixed' and your relationship with your mother sounds like one of them.
I would settle for sending her a holiday card and a birthday card, if you know her birthday.
Selfish people like her, likely will never see themselves for who they really are. Get away, before you get hurt some more!

Answer 9

is a tough decision but i think you should. she turned her back on you way too many times and yet you've been there for her. you need ot live your own life.

Answer 10

ouch.. that is awful for you. I think you need to take space from her for as long as you need, but you don't have to say it is forever..it might ne, but it might not be, too. close the door but don't ever lock it....ya never know