How can I tell this guy I don't want to marry him?

Question

I dated this guy for 2.5 years and it ended pretty badly after I found out I was losing my health pretty quickly from a bad gall bladder. I told him to never ever seek me out again and to just let me go and he would be happier because I felt that I didn't love him anymore because of the way he treated me when I was sick. One month later, I was rushed to the hospital and taken in for emergency surgery where I stayed for a week and then I was laid up for almost two months. Over the weekend, he found me somehow thru a friend and he got me off to the side and started going on about how he still loved me and how he wanted to marry me. I tried to explain how I had just gotten back on my feet and I was preparing to leave for a different country for approx. 3 years to better my career and rebuild the time I lost from my sickness. He just doesn't accept my reason for turning down his proposal.

What're some ways for helping me tell this guy that I want to focus on my future & not my past?

He DID say this (it was in an email he sent to me this morning): "I would win you back at all costs, whatever it takes to do it I will...that's how much I love you. There are things in this world that are still worth fighting for, but you think thats stupid, don't you? If I had plans, I would change them for you. You may think that I'm not worth, it but your wrong."

Answer 1

Look after yourself and your future. As some of your answers have said look ahead not behind and pursue your dreams.
I had the opportunity of going abroad to work twenty years ago. Instead I stayed and got married. Twenty years on I'm single again and trying to rebuild a career.
Tell him straight the wedding's off. Believe me you should go abroad then you will realise the opportunities there are for you.
Whatever you decide, good luck and good health for you.

Nigel. Abu Dhabi.

Answer 2

You need to sit down with him and have a serious chat. If your not ready to marry him tell him, it's better he knows this than leading him on. If he loves you he should understand that you are not ready to commit and stand by your decision.

Him asking you to marry him may have come out of the guilt of you getting ill and the way that you split up. If you want to move on to another country and start a fresh then go for it but don't make any rash decisions, have a long hard think about it.

Answer 3

Look at it form his point of view. If you love someone so much that you can't stand to be apart from them, you would do anything to keep it that way. It's hard to accept the things that keep you apart, because love is very persistent. Try explaining why you feel the way you do and what would make you happy. If he really wants to see you happy, then he would let you be and still have love for you no matter what. A friendship can last for a long time and blossom into something good, keep that.

Answer 4

Hon, you have to be honest and authentic in life. Take him aside and do exactly that. Tell him, "I've got some really bad news." Then tell him all the good points about him that you appreciate; do not say "you're nice, but..." (men take that statement way too seriously); tell him you are not interested in marrying him, and that you would be very grateful if he simply released you now and moved on. You cannot make it simpler than that.

If he continues pursuing you, tell him point blank to stop.

If he continues pursuing you after that, it is not you he wants; it is the idea of a relationship, and "a win". This is where you have a stalker and will need to use a restraining order. I am hoping it doesn't come to that for you. Be kind and be firm. Lay it on the line. He needs to know it's over, and it needs to be direct.

As someone who's been stalked several times by men, my heart goes out to you.

Answer 5

It sounds like you've already told him, he just doesn't want to listen. Tell him one more time that you are not interested in dating him and therefore really are not interested in spending the rest of your life with him and don't return his feelings. You should be very clear and prep your speech so there is no mixed messages to him.

You are moving to a new country so once you leave you shouldn't need to look back. Now if he follows you to the next country and finds you again. Call the cops!

Answer 6

it sounds like you've already told him that you don't want to be with him and if you've said it firmly and honestly he should understand but there are a lot of really dense guys out there. But since he's not getting it you might need a temporary restraining order, sometimes the law sinks in a little better than a pretty girl. He might be the "any attention means she wants me but just doesn't know it" kind of guy. Good Luck!

Answer 7

Well, maybe he is right, and you are wrong.

I'd say first of all, don't eliminate all your options.

If you are going to another country, try to stall him for awhile. Tell him you need to venture out and try to change your life path. When you figure out where you are going, and how you are dealing with all of that, you will contact him again, and perhaps there will be a place for him in your new life.

After all you've been through.... you just might get to your new destination and long for some connection with your past. And he may just be that connection you need.

Don't feel like it's either/or... at least right now.

I♥♫→mia☼☺†

Answer 8

I'm not sure there is any other way to tell him other than to let him know that he, at one time, had a very special place in your life. However, now your life has changed very dramatically and your are in a different place than you were several years ago. Let him know that you will be leaving the country to pursue other dreams that you have and that if it was meant to be (that you and he marry), then nature will take it's course. But at this time, your feelings are not there and your priorities are elsewhere.

Answer 9

As strange as this may sound, I also had someone try to insist with me once, and do you know what happened? It made me physically ill. That is how bad a fit it was for me. My entire body and nervous system protested this person. The good news is that it gave me the resolve and strength I was looking for to stand up to him and tell him I meant it when I said I did not want to go in the direction he was trying to lead me. I had to "put my foot down." Earlier that week, as I recall, I had been on a counselling hot line locally and the trained counselor told me to tell him exactly what I had told her, but not to be mousey or casual about it. To speak to him in a firm voice and to mean what I said. Tell him just once in that tone and then drop it. He just did not seem to want to get the message, so I broke off the relationship, cold. That lasted three years when one Christmas I felt it was time to try to be kind and just say hello once again and he had sent a similar note in the mail and they crossed. His message and my own. Talk about timing! Well, in my situation, he "got the message," and has backed off and now we can be good friends, but that other thing that was making me physically ill is completely gone now.(In other words, the bedroom is off limits, in plain language.) I never quite let my guard down, and you know, you don't. You always have that in the background, so if you have to step forward again and say no, you can do it instantly and firmly. If I ever had to go over all of that ever again with him, that would be the end of the relationship forever. You need to tell this fellow in very clear language that you mean it when you say no to him. It is my understanding if he continues to bother you and upset you by "getting in touch with you again," it is then called stalking, and you can take legal action. I hope I have not offended you with this lengthy peek into a chapter of my own past. I also hope you will be able to find gentler, middle ground with him, so you can "let him down gently," because I think that would be more to your liking, frankly. If you need to be firm, then do what you know you must. Sent to you with the knowledge you will think this one through and do exactly the right thing, and then move on and have a wonderful, fulfilling life for yourself. Take good care, now. Chris in South Portland, Maine, U.S.A. (I am 63 years old, and when your whole body is reacting to a situation it is trying to tell you you must be firm and put your foot down.)

Answer 10

I think that you should tell him that you need to concentrate on you because you cant count on him. Let him know that he was not there when you needed him the most and that you are trying to better yourself. Sorry if that sounded rude but it is not intended for that reason. Let him know that your career suffered when you got sick and you need time to fix it and marrying him is not going to help your career.