Can someone tell me a funny joke?

Answer 1

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b**tards who want to get off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! .....and all of you b**tards who are getting on, get your a**e in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p*ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b*tch in the kitchen.

Answer 2

A long one for you:
There are these woods and in the woods is this lake in the lake is a fish, above the fish 6 inches above the water is a fly and he is just flying six inches above not moving or anything. On the land near the lake is a bear and he sees this, he says that fly falls 6 inches, the fish gets the fly, i get the fish. Above the bear on a tree perch is a hunter, he says the fly falls 6 inches, the fish gets the fly the bear gets the fish and i shoot the bear. On the ground beneath the hunter is a mouse, he sees a cheese sandwich in the hunter's pocket. He says the fly falls 6 inches, the fish gets the fly, the bear gets the fish and the hunter gets the bear, the hunter will be so happy, he'll jump up and the sandwich will fall, and I'll get the sandwich, there is a cat near the mouse and the cat runs through the fly falling six inches and the whole scenario and determines the mouse will be distracted so he could eat the mouse. So here we are waiting for something to happen, next thing you know the fly falls six inches, fish jumps up get the fly, bear gets the fish, the hunter shoots the bear, jumps for joy, the sandwich falls, the mouse begins to eat, the cat pounces on the mouse and they begin to roll down the hill and land in the lake.
What is the moral to this story?
The fly falls six inches the pussy gets wet.

Answer 3

(1)Que: What did Ben say when he saw a banana peel?
Ans: “ Oh! I am going to slip again!

(2)Ben: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art? Dealer: I beg you pardon sir that is a mirror

(3)Rob: I hear that you are giving your hens hot water to drink.
Sam: that’s right! I want them to lay boiled eggs.

(4)Drowning man: Help, help! I can’t swim! Sam: I can’t play the piano but I don’t shout about it.

(5)·Lil Tim c’s his mom apply cream on her face. Tim: y to dat, mom? ‘2 make myself butiful,’ say she & then begins 2 remove d cream. T: Giving up?

(6) Auntie, visiting: my, my Dave! I hardly recognized you! Dave(glumly): I know, Mum made me have a bath before you arrived!

Answer 4

A burglar breaks into a house one night. He suddenly, in the dark, hears a voice: "Both me and Jesus are watching you". He gets scared, then thinks to himself "I imagined that". Again he hears "Both me and Jesus are watching you". He throws his flash light around and he sees a parrot. He is relived and says, Hey, parrot, you scared me. What's your name? The parrot answers "Odysseus". The thief goes : "Odysseus? This is a strange name for a parrot". And the parrot answers: "Well, why, is Jesus a good name for a pitbul?"


I said pit bull and remembered another one:

A woman watches a strange funeral: A coffin is passing, with a few men and women behind it. Then another coffin, with only one woman in black behind it. Then, after a smll distance, about 400 women. The woman who watches is very curious, and decides to go ask the woman who is walking alone what is going on. She asks: "Excuse me, but whose funeral is this?" The woman in black answers : "Well, my husband is in this coffin. My pit bull killed him". The other woman says"Oh I am so sorry, and what about the offin in front?". So the widow says "My mother inlaw is there. My pitbull killed her too". So the other woman thinks a moment and says :"My condolences. Could I borrow your dog for a day?" and the widow shows the group of 400 women behind her and answers: "Wait in line with the rest of them"

Answer 5

Two oranges are walking down the street...
One of them is hit by car. The other says: Hurry up juice!

Answer 6

this one got a best answer! (from me of course : )

Its thanksgiving and this family, lets call them the browns, is having a party. the little girl goes up to her mom and asks "mom, whats a b***h?" The mom replies "Oh, thats a lady sweety." "What's a bastard?" Oh, thats a gentlman sweety." "ok." the mom is cutting the turkey and she says "f**k!" The little girl asks "Whats f**k?" the mom replies "Oh, thats a seasoning that goes on the turkey. "ok" The girl goes upstairs to talk to her dad. her dad is shaving and he cuts himself. he says "s**t!" the little girl asks "Whats s**t?" the dad replies "Oh thats the shaving cream." "ok" the girl goes downstairs to greet the guests coming in. she says "Hi bitches and bastards. Can i take your coats? My mom and dad would be here to greet you but my moms f**king the turkey and my dads wiping s**t off his face."

Answer 7

YOU HAVE A HOLLOW TREE IN YOUR YARD AND IT HAS A HOLE IN THE BOTTOM AND A HOLE 20 FT UP AND A SQUIRREL GOES IN THE BOTTOM HOLE ANR RUNS UP AND DOWN THE INSIDE OF THE TREE AND STICKES ITS HEAD OUT THE BOTTOM HOLE AND RUNS UP THE TREE AND STICKS IT HEAD OUT THE TOP HOLE EACH TRIP HE GAINES ONE SECOND HOW LONG BEFORE HE STICKS HIS HEAD OUT BOTH HOLES AT THE SAME TIME

Answer 8

their were two ghost guest their name . put and out one ghost live in the house and the other like to go out