My father divorced my mom years ago and married a much younger woman and had two kids with her.The one girl is 20 and drinks WAY too much at family parties so I am sure she is out partiying all the time and the 16 yr old boy is bi polar and has many impulse problems- even their dog is disabled-they feed him too much people food-overweight, and cannot walk due to a crippled back leg, so he sits there on a little cushion all day looking out the window. His wife does NOTHING for him-he is 72 and she is 57. She is on all sorts of pills also. I went to his house yesterday and he has gotten so fat, he looks awful-all they eat is fast food and to me, all they care about is his money. He cannot discipline the kids-she gets mad at him so they run amuk. He cannot even stick up for himself-it is like he is just THERE, and afraid of her. Should I butt out or say something? My mom passed away suddenly and I have a feeling something is going to happen to him if he does not do anything.
2006-10-01 02:08:49 · 11 answers · asked by Pesty Wadoo 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Great answers! He has been asking me to lunch for 20 years and he never goes through with it. He goes NO WHERE except to work without her and she HAS to know everything.If I call him on the phone and tell him something, he will cup his hand over the receiver and tell her exaclty what I am saying-I it is weird.
2006-10-01 02:31:41 · update #1
Normally I would say it's not your problem and live your own life. However, it's your Dad, and we all know that you can't just sit back and let the foundation fall apart. So, GET INVOLVED! It's OK to be sneaky. By a family board game, one that requires tons of communication. One that's fun. Your goal is to be "let back" into the family even if it's through the backdoor. Sell yourself on being likeable to those who want no communication, bite your tongue (when you want to rebuke), smile (when you want to stick toothpicks under thier fingernails), Then when you are in, find your fathers interests and expound on it. Make them your interests. Then after a few months, get that interest out of the house. Go to workshops that deal with that interest. Chances are, if the family is as disfunctional as you say, they won't want to be involved. When he is out with you, now you have the opportunity to be his daughter. This doesn't mean rebuke. Mistakes have been made. The past is the past. Work on the future. Never give up this time with him even if you hate his interests. You'll be thankful for it when he's gone. I bet sooner or later he asks YOU for advice.
2006-10-01 09:37:32 · answer #1 · answered by delux_version 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
At this point, your father would not say anything to his wife, about how she is treating him. And I do not recommend you saying anything about how your father is being treated.What I would do if I was you, is for you is spend some time with just you and dad, Take him for a walk, get him out of the house for a while, go to the movies, take him bowling, do some fun things with him. may be once a week, or every two weeks, I think he will love that, don't tell her what you are going to do, she will find out when he comes back. It is good you are so concerned.
2006-10-01 09:20:07 · answer #2 · answered by roseannetb@verizon.net 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i feel you!!!! unless your father has dementia/alzheimers and cannot make an informed consent decision, then i would say butt out. why? because its his life. you KNOW we cannot MAKE people act in a way that we think is beneficial to them. heheh--my mom was alcoholic and there is no way i could have made her stop drinking--. i think you should offer your dad LOTS of love and support but at the same time, do not become an enabler. you could offer to take him to a gerontologist who could make a professional assessment of the situation and determine whether or not he can/wants to handle it. make the
appt ,then just tell him you are taking him to lunch or something and tell him on the way. then if nothing changes, butt out. i would also say that the 20 yr old needs to be out of the house on her own. pls let me know what happens with this k? also stop putting your attention on the situation---you will drive yourelf crazy!
2006-10-01 09:22:46 · answer #3 · answered by hepette 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can sit down with your father and tell him your feelings, but you should not tell him all the bad things you see in the family. When you start off with negative things, people tend to get defensive and you will get nowhere. Tell him what you worry about him. His health, etc. Ask him if there is anything you can do to help him. There is nothing you can do with the others and you will not be able to change them. They are adults. If your father doesn't want anything, all you can do is be there in case he does need you. Big hug to you for caring for your father. Maybe you could tell the rest of his family that you are worried about them too. I would tell them gently too. Sounds like they wouldn't listen to the negative aspects either. Find some positive attributes to start off with. I wish you luck.
2006-10-01 09:15:41 · answer #4 · answered by Stephanie F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your question was, "How do I let go?" Then at the end, you say, "Should I butt out, or say something?" If you are inclined to butt in and say something, where were you 20 years ago? Your dad has made his bed, and now he must lye in it! And remember, "the girl" and "the boy," are your siblings, and you should work towards having a good relationship with them now, while your dad is still around. Try to get them involved in encouraging mom and dad to take better care of themselves! Remember, you get more flies with honey, than you do with vinegar!
2006-10-01 09:19:32 · answer #5 · answered by rebecca_sld 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only thing you can really do is gently voice your concerns to your father.
Tell him you are worried about his health, and since mom died unexpectedly, you really want him to live for many more years. Tell him your worried if he keeps eating and not exercising you feel he is lowering his life expectancy.
In the end, only your father can decide what is right for him, no matter how hard it is for you to watch.
He chooses to let his wife and kids act the way they do, and if I were you, I wouldnt' mention these worries, just the ones about his health.
2006-10-01 09:13:22 · answer #6 · answered by anabele6 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ask your dad if you can help him with anything to make his life better or easier. Take time to stay around him enough to have talks with him. If you have his trust he will open up and share his thoughts & feelings with you. I personally get involved with those I love if I see something not normal.
Good luck
2006-10-01 09:24:10 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like Stephanie F hit the nail on the head.
2006-10-01 09:19:38 · answer #8 · answered by Sunbaby 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can tell your them what you feel but I doubt it if they will change their ways. It's certainly is too late with your dad being used to such condition for so long. But, if I were you, I would tell them what I feel. At least, I feel good that I have done the right thing.
2006-10-01 09:36:54 · answer #9 · answered by Peter_F 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave it alone. Just help when you can and not be interfering.
2006-10-01 09:14:03 · answer #10 · answered by super stud 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋