This may grate against some egos and trigger some cynical responses. My apologies. I'm a real person. This is a real problem.
Saturday morning I finally learned something new and valuable about Love, and I've been processing it all day.
Bluntly put, here it is:
If I love too completely, too selflessly, with too pure an intention, with too whole a heart...then those who receive it and try to return it end up feeling inadequate because what they give (and why they give) doesn't measure up in their eyes to what they receive. Although they may try to improve what they give, in the end their feelings of inadequacy are too much for their ego and sense of security within the relationship: they end up feeling they need my love more than I need theirs.
Instead of finding a balance between the love given and the love received, they feel they are receiving far more than they are giving or indeed can give. This feeling of hopeless inadequacy leads them to walk/run away.
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2006-10-01 01:20:53 · 8 answers · asked by bobkgin 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
On the one hand, receiving too pure a Love leaves them feeling that all the love they receive in other relationships pale in comparison, diminishing the value of those other relationships.
On the other hand, they feel like a charity case, being loved more than they can love back. This either hurts their egos or gives rise to the belief they're just filling in for someone who can love as well as the person whose love is too pure to be returned. So they step aside to make room for whomever they think can return such a love with an equal amount of pure love.
I met someone through Y!A who was so impressed with what I've learned about Love that she wanted to learn what I know and put it into practice herself.
And she was so impressed with the Love I freely shared with her that she wanted to give me that kind of love in return.
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2006-10-01 01:21:17 · update #1
We've corresponded for some time now, and we had a lengthy exchange last night between 8 and 5 this morning. By the end of the conversation, she felt so incapable of returning what she was getting, her ability to love so inadequate compared to mine, that she walked away telling me she believed I'd find someone else who was more capable of loving me as I love and that she would muddle through as best she could without me.
She wasn't bitter, just very sad and disillusioned in her ability to love.
I tried very hard to encourage her to have faith, to recognize that she is attempting something I've spent 36 years perfecting and that in time she too would learn...all to no avail.
Everything I said was yet another manifestation of my love, and just made her feel even more inadequate.
And so she's gone.
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2006-10-01 01:21:35 · update #2
When I look back over my failed relationships (and they have all failed), I started realizing that each one failed for the same reason: my lovers' feelings of inadequacy.
I swear this was never my intent. I was loving them and giving the best love I knew how to give.
And that was what caused their feelings of inadequacy: they couldn't give the same kind of love back. Theirs was more selfish, more needy.
I've grown so accustomed to this situation that I've learned even more of Love: to be happy with whatever my lover chooses to give. But as I was taught last night, this looks like I'm willing to accept whatever 'scraps' they give me. And as this lady pointed out to me, I deserve far more than 'scraps'.
It seems everything I do to show love only generates more feelings of inadequacy in those I love.
It explains so much about the reasons behind my failed relationships.
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2006-10-01 01:21:56 · update #3
And herein is my dilemma: how do I love so as not to create inadequacy in my lovers, yet give all that I've learned about love?
I've come to realize I can't do both.
I've tried teaching about Love, but that also creates feelings of inadequacy. I can't veil my love and only give some of it. When I love, I love with a whole heart.
I'm starting to realize that the love I give outstrips the abilities of others to return such love. That the more I give, the more I create feelings of inadequacy in those I love.
I'm trapped. I can't love anyone without hurting them. It is better that I not love at all and leave people with their illusions about how well they love, than to love and show them how pale their love is by comparison.
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2006-10-01 01:22:19 · update #4
I know this sounds incredibly presumptuous of me. Almost arrogant. It is not the easiest thing for me to believe, which is why it has taken so long for me to learn this lesson. I refused to believe I loved in a way that could not be returned by most people, given a little help and knowledge.
But after last night's exchanges, watching someone so happy with the love I was giving become so miserable that the love she was giving didn't measure up in her eyes, I realized she's not the only one who has felt that way about my love. I could see this pattern in all my previous relationships.
I feel horrible that I've unknowingly been causing this kind of anguish (especially amongst those I love)
And I feel trapped, afraid to love another for fear I will create this problem for her as well.
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2006-10-01 01:22:41 · update #5
It seems the best choice is to not love anyone else again, or at least not to let them know I love them, and to discourage anyone from trying to love me because in the end they'll feel the inadequacy of those who have come before.
But to live life without expressing love...it's a nightmare future.
I'm trapped, no matter what I do.
I want to love and be loved, like anyone else. I don't want to hurt those I love. And because of how much I give when in love, I can't seem to avoid hurting those who would try to love me back.
I don't expect a solution from you. I don't know if there is one. But this has been ripping me up inside, and I needed to share it.
2006-10-01 01:23:04 · update #6
The problem with the answers thus far is the assumption I should place others at risk in my pursuit of a beloved.
I can't be that selfish.
2006-10-01 01:59:57 · update #7
Love is not something that you teach or learn. It is a feeling. Once you find that special someone you can love with your whole heart you will see that it is enough and they will love you the same in return. You can never truly love someone to much. Relationships are all about giving and receiving and their is no balance. You give what you have with all your heart and they will give you the same. Try not to make more out of love then what it really is.
2006-10-01 01:44:04 · answer #1 · answered by Dcham81 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I think that some of us feel that way. I have my whole life. everyone I loved completely, never really loved me. I gave up after someone had hurt me badly for I realized that they didn't love me Even half of how much I loved them. I am married now, but still feel that way sometimes. If I WAS you, I wouldn't give up. I would love it if my husband show love and think of love the way you do. Love is sometimes a curse that we really can't escape from. It hurts like hell. BUT, if it didn't hurt, it wouldn't be love. Your question is the most complete and heart felt one I have ever read on here. I hope you all the best, for I have felt the way that you do. If I am being presumptuous, I am sorry. But when I read your question, I saw apart of me in it. You sound like you do deserve REAL love. I hope you find it. I wish you all the best. I really do, good luck.
I realy don't think that you will be putting others at risk. Most people date without loving the person that thye are dating. If they find that you love them and they don't love you, they will hurt you more if they stay with you. It is worse to be with someone you love, and knowing that they don't love. A part of you will die every day with knowledge like that. BUT, it is better to love others, no matter what. There is not enough love in the world, love what you can. I still love people that I was with at one time, but I love my husband more than them. Just like I know he has love for others. I think that the more people one person loves, the better of everything will be. It is not selfish at all to love others. I know what you mean when you said something about causing them pain with your love tho. I have done that to people too. But love is a good thing, it should be shared with the world. It would be such a shame if you didn't share your love with others. It would be so sad.
Besides my husband, I still have full pure love for three others.
I am sorry you are having so many problems with this question. I don't think, no matter how many times that you ask it, that you will find an answer that you really like. I am sorry. I wish you all the luck in the world.
2006-10-01 08:55:40 · answer #2 · answered by gin 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Love is the answer to everything. All you ever need is love,
communication and understanding. That's what I figured out so
far. If you are down, you need to get up and start doing something with
your life. Don't need to be shy, be straight forward and allways say what
you want and expect from the others.
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If you have the time, and you are looking for someone, complete this simple
form and start dating.
http://**************/go.php
2006-10-01 08:23:25 · answer #3 · answered by b b 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
i dont know if this were you but i know plenty of ppl
who "talk" about how much they love
but its also what u do which counts,,,,
and love is not always a competition
2006-10-01 09:03:24 · answer #4 · answered by enigma q 2 · 1⤊ 2⤋
Way to much to read, but good luck with it.
2006-10-01 09:24:58 · answer #5 · answered by Jenny 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋
why to show your love? why not just love? Why to measure loves?
2006-10-01 08:34:17 · answer #6 · answered by simplegirl 5 · 1⤊ 2⤋
i KNOW THE ANSWER TO UR QUESTION/PROBLEM...its quite easy... Ill have to hook up later...Im in the middle of something... but this one is to easy... give me a harder problem to solve...not me but CHRIST in me Gal.2.20
and BTW yes...way to much to read...its not necessary to put all this... capsulize it so its readable...
2006-10-02 17:47:47 · answer #7 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋
sure, whtever you say
sounds like yer a real weenie
2006-10-01 08:28:24 · answer #8 · answered by burger_punk 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋