This may grate against some egos and trigger some cynical responses. My apologies. I'm a real person. This is a real problem.
Saturday morning I finally learned something new and valuable about Love, and I've been processing it all day.
Bluntly put, here it is:
If I love too completely, too selflessly, with too pure an intention, with too whole a heart...then those who receive it and try to return it end up feeling inadequate because what they give (and why they give) doesn't measure up in their eyes to what they receive. Although they may try to improve what they give, in the end their feelings of inadequacy are too much for their ego and sense of security within the relationship: they end up feeling they need my love more than I need theirs.
Instead of finding a balance between the love given and the love received, they feel they are receiving far more than they are giving or indeed can give. This feeling of hopeless inadequacy leads them to walk/run away.
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2006-10-01 01:11:19 · 11 answers · asked by bobkgin 3 in Society & Culture ➔ Religion & Spirituality
On the one hand, receiving too pure a Love leaves them feeling that all the love they receive in other relationships pale in comparison, diminishing the value of those other relationships.
On the other hand, they feel like a charity case, being loved more than they can love back. This either hurts their egos or gives rise to the belief they're just filling in for someone who can love as well as the person whose love is too pure to be returned. So they step aside to make room for whomever they think can return such a love with an equal amount of pure love.
I met someone through Y!A who was so impressed with what I've learned about Love that she wanted to learn what I know and put it into practice herself.
And she was so impressed with the Love I freely shared with her that she wanted to give me that kind of love in return.
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2006-10-01 01:11:58 · update #1
We've corresponded for some time now, and we had a lengthy exchange last night between 8 and 5 this morning. By the end of the conversation, she felt so incapable of returning what she was getting, her ability to love so inadequate compared to mine, that she walked away telling me she believed I'd find someone else who was more capable of loving me as I love and that she would muddle through as best she could without me.
She wasn't bitter, just very sad and disillusioned in her ability to love.
I tried very hard to encourage her to have faith, to recognize that she is attempting something I've spent 36 years perfecting and that in time she too would learn...all to no avail.
Everything I said was yet another manifestation of my love, and just made her feel even more inadequate.
And so she's gone.
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2006-10-01 01:12:27 · update #2
When I look back over my failed relationships (and they have all failed), I started realizing that each one failed for the same reason: my lovers' feelings of inadequacy.
I swear this was never my intent. I was loving them and giving the best love I knew how to give.
And that was what caused their feelings of inadequacy: they couldn't give the same kind of love back. Theirs was more selfish, more needy.
I've grown so accustomed to this situation that I've learned even more of Love: to be happy with whatever my lover chooses to give. But as I was taught last night, this looks like I'm willing to accept whatever 'scraps' they give me. And as this lady pointed out to me, I deserve far more than 'scraps'.
It seems everything I do to show love only generates more feelings of inadequacy in those I love.
It explains so much about the reasons behind my failed relationships.
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2006-10-01 01:12:59 · update #3
And herein is my dilemma: how do I love so as not to create inadequacy in my lovers, yet give all that I've learned about love?
I've come to realize I can't do both.
I've tried teaching about Love, but that also creates feelings of inadequacy. I can't veil my love and only give some of it. When I love, I love with a whole heart.
I'm starting to realize that the love I give outstrips the abilities of others to return such love. That the more I give, the more I create feelings of inadequacy in those I love.
I'm trapped. I can't love anyone without hurting them. It is better that I not love at all and leave people with their illusions about how well they love, than to love and show them how pale their love is by comparison.
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2006-10-01 01:13:36 · update #4
I know this sounds incredibly presumptuous of me. Almost arrogant. It is not the easiest thing for me to believe, which is why it has taken so long for me to learn this lesson. I refused to believe I loved in a way that could not be returned by most people, given a little help and knowledge.
But after last night's exchanges, watching someone so happy with the love I was giving become so miserable that the love she was giving didn't measure up in her eyes, I realized she's not the only one who has felt that way about my love. I could see this pattern in all my previous relationships.
I feel horrible that I've unknowingly been causing this kind of anguish (especially amongst those I love)
And I feel trapped, afraid to love another for fear I will create this problem for her as well.
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2006-10-01 01:14:10 · update #5
It seems the best choice is to not love anyone else again, or at least not to let them know I love them, and to discourage anyone from trying to love me because in the end they'll feel the inadequacy of those who have come before.
But to live life without expressing love...it's a nightmare future.
I'm trapped, no matter what I do.
I want to love and be loved, like anyone else. I don't want to hurt those I love. And because of how much I give when in love, I can't seem to avoid hurting those who would try to love me back.
I don't expect a solution from you. I don't know if there is one. But this has been ripping me up inside, and I needed to share it.
2006-10-01 01:15:07 · update #6
The problem with the answers thus far is the assumption I should place others at risk in my pursuit of a beloved.
I can't be that selfish.
2006-10-01 01:58:16 · update #7
Yep, bad stuff comes attached to good stuff. A bunch of movies have been through this... you gotta take the risk or you'll be left with nothing. There's an old saying that goes "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." And as for "putting someone else at risk", YOU'RE not putting anyone anywhere unless you're FORCING them to be involved with you. Everyone makes their own choices. If you're involved with someone it's because THEY chose to be there, not because you put them there.
2006-10-02 07:04:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
No, love is not a curse. Just last night I said to someone that my problem in this life is not that I don't love enough, but that I love too much. I understand exactly what you mean, but I won't go into details. Interestingly, I am the one who walks/runs away. I can handle not getting the same kind or amount of love back, I can live with scraps.
What I can't live with is when the receivers of my love insist on exclusivity. People don't seem to understand that love is like a bottomless barrel. It does not run out. I could go on and on, but I am sure you know what I mean. Just because I love A doesn't mean that I don't love B, C, E etc. equally.
2006-10-01 08:26:14 · answer #2 · answered by Ajayu 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
love is not a curse but a blessing. some people may have a tendency to show their love a little more than others in different ways. I tell the one I love, " I love you " each time we see, talk or write each other. I inherited this from my mother. my father was a police officer in the 1920 and 1930 era and mother never knew if he would ever come home. every day when dad went to work mom would always kiss dad and say, " I love you. be careful. " when dad died years later mom was at his bedside holding his hand even though he was unable to acknowledge her presence physically we all realized dad knew the love of his life our mom was there.
2006-10-01 08:20:43 · answer #3 · answered by Marvin R 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
i can simply understand what u r going thru.. no matter how much u love a person or be loved, it is never enough. my bf loves me like crazy and i love him very much too... But i always feel that he can do more that what he is doing now.. and he always tell me the same thing whenever we fight. Sometimes i do feel that i can never make the sacrifices he made for me.. and that is when i start questioning my credibility. I feel that i can never love him as much as he loves me. i get scared and paranoid... i m scared that one day, he will find someone who can love him more than me and that he will leave me. So before he do that, it's better that i leave him. Unknowingly, i m running away from the problem instead of facing up to it. In a relationship, its very important to communicate. Leaving him/her llove notes on her mobile or email will just brighten up their day. In tat way, the feeling of inadequacy will never be there. True, action speaks louder than words... But sometimes words spoken etched a thousand memories in the mind. Don't be scared to love, and don't be scared to express yourself in love..
2006-10-01 08:25:32 · answer #4 · answered by SyaKiRa 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I don't think your problem is how much you love, it doesn't seem like love to me. Unlike many of the people here I have read your whole story and what this seems like to me is a little more like worship. It seems to me that the reason why these women are leaving you is that you smother them, everyone wants to be loved but when you don't let them do things for themselves or make mistakes they feel claustrophobic (kind of) and they need you to let them go. I think you need therapy to deal with whatever your issue is, you need to learn to love a little more freely.
2006-10-04 08:33:22 · answer #5 · answered by evillyn 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
wow... that's how i feel about God's love for me! i would never be able to give as much as i receive. sometimes it does make me feel inadequate, but i know He will continue to pour it out.
you do sound loving, but maybe you need to take a step back. maybe you are picking people that you know could never be as loving as you. maybe you (without realizing it) are doing/saying something to make them feel inadequate of loving you back. maybe you are the one who feels incapable of receiving.
i'm not presuming to know the answer, but these are things you could look at. good luck and God bless! ;)
2006-10-01 08:23:27 · answer #6 · answered by ppunk71 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Obviously, love is very difficult to do. But it is not a curse.
2006-10-01 08:20:48 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Love is many things to many people and all things to some. To me it is a blessing, gift, curse, and even an illness. My greatest joy and my greatest aggravation.
2006-10-01 09:11:58 · answer #8 · answered by Debra M. Wishing Peace To All 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Marry the poor girl already!
Sound like you're talking her to death.
2006-10-01 09:12:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
You should ask the girl you love
2006-10-01 08:14:00 · answer #10 · answered by sisa 2 · 0⤊ 3⤋